This is a long shot, but I figure I can't be the only one who has ever had this thought. Is there a way to induce a state that includes the productivity/happiness of mania - without all the extra bullshit? 😅
Mania is better than any drug, the euphoria is incomparable. Every time I skip a few days of sleep, feel an increase in energy, or anything that might be the beginning of an episode, I think - ''Please let this be the onset of the best feeling in the world. I can't do this shit anymore''. I feel so guilty admitting to that, because I know that being manic and being functional are generally not compatible. I also don't ever want to end up in hospital again, because that never fails to be a de-humanizing experience.
I have not had any symptoms of mania since my last hospital admission, three whole years ago. It was the first and only manic episode that I've ever had, and it lasted for about three months. I feel like I could have avoided hospital completely if I had experienced mania without the accompanying psychosis. If I could just achieve that level of elation without:
rapid speech word-salad delusional beliefs dangerously impulsive acts (e.g. jumping out of a car on the highway because the sky looked beautiful and I wanted a loser look) I look back on those ugly symptoms and I could never cope with them now. I go to college full-time, I work, and I have so much to lose if I lost the ability to communicate with others and behave safely. On the other hand - my life just feels so damn gray and stagnant; I miss feeling invincible.
Does anyone else have sound sensitivity? It comes and goes, especially when I’m feeling agitated/mixed. Been off work 3 days per pdoc and I go back tomorrow because I cannot afford to be off. Today’s been the worst for the sensitivity. I dread going back tomorrow because my workplace is very noisy and often when on the phone with a client a voice hits a certain pitch and I’m cringing; it’s almost painful. I want to hang up and flee.
The pdoc is sending me this afternoon to a depression/anxiety group which is senseless and I don’t want to go because it’s weekly but this is the only day I can go since I’m off work - normally I’m working. I’m effing agitated and a group one time isn’t going to help but I have to in order to appear “compliant” to the HMO. They offer no groups for any type of bipolar. I think after being in and out of therapy since a teen (although not knowing it’s BP until a couple years ago), I probably have the group thing down pat and consider this one-time thing to supposedly give me “coping skills” to be something to placate the insurer; not helpful. I have loads of coping skills or I wouldn’t have made it this far and snowed most the people I know, that have no clue what I’m going through inside while I always act positive on the outside. I’m exhausted by acting and don’t look forward to the noise tomorrow. Can’t even take the chirping of a bird right now, which I find sad to admit. So stressed.
Venting here, as I wait for the group to begin.
By Distorted Me
Can you tell while you're hypomanic and/ or manic? Or is it always hindsight?
For me, I have a hard time detecting my ups and downs during a single day, let alone several days or weeks though I'm getting much better at it now. Historically, I have not noticed I was hypomanic until it was over and things calmed down. It took me over 2 weeks to notice but do know I'm definitely in a hypomanic phase right now, some days way more exciting than others, but clearly hypomanic. For me, and probably most of us, this is difficult thing to do since we've probably gotten so used to just being very emotional all the time. When that becomes the norm, it's nearly impossible to detect, for us at least.
It stands to reason that we might be able to control and even harness those periods if we were really aware of them early on. Thoughts? Experiences? I'd love to hear some.
I live in Ireland an have just returned from a 10 day trip in the U.S (Massachusetts....crossed 5 time zones). Despite being awake for 36 hours I am far from tired. I'm alert and busy and haven't been able to relax since I got home this morning. I'm starting to have racing thoughts and am becoming really restless and a bit irritable.
Anyone else experience this???? Don't want to develop full blown mania.....I am a bit worried!!