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Not Good Enough?!?! No Sympathy.. Etc.


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No, No, No, No...

(Rinse, repeat)

To even intimate that you were not good enough for a "great guy" is so freaking wrong I don't know where to start! To flat out say it, and then suggest that you go find someone who doesn't know you well so that you can hide part of yourself from them is hideous!

Making a value judgement that one person is "more worthy than another is despicable, especially for a pdoc. So... how far down the "worthy" food chain does he think you are? Should you date an abuser, or an addict, because you aren't "worthy of more?

Jade, I've got so much more to say on this that it's all rushing, trying to get out. But I'm so fucking mad right now that I can hardly stand it. I'll be back when I'm not seeing red anymore.

Your pdoc was criminally wrong, in my opinion, whatever the circumstance.

*bubbles the chimp*

InfoNut

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Heya Jade,

I'm with InfoNut on this one.

How unprofessional and downright cruel can you get?!?

Don't know what he thought he was doing, but it wasn't therapy.

Is he your only professional, or is there someone else you can talk to IRL about this?

Because this can't stand.

This is just so wrong.

We're here for you.

--ncc--

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Thanks for the responses,

I guess I just needed confirmation that yes or no, my pdoc was wrong for saying what he said.  Unfortunately, he's the only mental health professional I deal with, I have trusted him with everything, so I can't easily seek another opinion.

karuna - I actually agree with a lot of what you wrote.  The issue is that I wanted to discuss the feelings with my pdoc so that I can stop interacting with X and start moving on.  He wouldn't even let me do that, which is why I guess I wrote this message.  He actually did say both things, which are different, at different times.  When I was talking specifically about X, he kept telling me that X would not put up with my manic, selfish behaviors anymore.  Which was really weird, because from my side of the story, I was nothing but the best to X until he screwed me over first.  Then, when I was finished crying and babbling, he told me that the best thing for me was to meet someone new who knew nothing about me.  If he had said what you had said, I would have totally been okay with it.  But it's like he wants me to hide who I am, and I can't do that.  Not like I'd say "Hey, I'm Jade, Bipolar Loser" on the first date, but he implied I shouldn't reveal anything about my struggles or my past because it is just too much.

BTW, I haven't talked to X in 4 days.  Not that I haven't been thinking about him...

Jade

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  • 2 weeks later...

I think that what your Pdoc said was completely cruel, uneccessary and unprofessional.  It's bad enough for her to know who your ex is, but to let that knowlege in any way influence how she speaks to you about the situation is completely reprehensible. 

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Just an update,

My pdoc told me last week that he didn't mean I wasn't good enough for him, just that I didn't have a chance with him. (Oh that makes me feel better)  ;)

In the meantime, I feel like a total idiot.  I called X on Christmas Eve, as I was calling all of my friends, he's the only one I didn't get in contact with that did not contact me back.  At this point, I wonder if I am just a bother to him.  I asked some really wise friends, should I just tell him, I know you don't really want me in your life, so hey, let me go ahead and leave you the hell alone?  They told me no, just don't contact him, but it is killing me right now.  There is really no excuse for him not to call and say "hi" back or e-mail me a "thanks" - he's a prick. 

As the Commodores said - "It ain't too hard to say would you please just go away."

Jade

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Jade,

Don't contact him. This is the hardest point, but once you resist the urge it will subside and you will begin to get over him. You don't need him to give you closure, you give it to yourself.

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Just an update,

My pdoc told me last week that he didn't mean I wasn't good enough for him, just that I didn't have a chance with him. (Oh that makes me feel better)  ;)

Dear Jade,

I tend to agree with InfoNut. You're pdoc went "beyond the beyonds" as the Irish mammies like to say. I don't care how he clarified it later. I don't know, maybe it's tough love. But you do need to some how figure out a way to quit obsessing over X. I have turned the corner on Jackson, aka, Jackass. He no longer has an priviliges in my head or heart. Permenently DENIED. I had to lock myself in a hotel room for two days of solitude after the nastiest phone call I've ever had with anyone (him), but I was finally able to pull my head out of my ass and see the truth. Ouch. Give it up, turn it loose, diva girl.

You deserve better.

Hugs,

Suze

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So my pdoc (who I also go to for therapy) was brutal with me this week.  I guess this situation is weird because my pdoc actually knows my ex on a professional level (ummm, I'll just call him X from now on), because X used to be his drug rep (yeah I know we hate them - but I've known this guy all my life).

So I told pdoc I had met up with X, that I was still crazy about X, about the tiny interactions.  My pdoc said - not word for word - "There is no way X wants to have a relationship with you.  Why would he want to?  He's seen you at your worst, which is shit (he did say shit), and face it, he's a great guy.  You need to move on." 

This guy sounds like a woman-hating ASS.  Fire him.  It also sounds like he's been discussing you with X.  He's an ass. Fire him!!
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CS and Libby,

Thanks so much for adding your thoughts to this thread.  Again, I have more information to add to this thread, including my pdoc's comments (like I said before, he's usually awesome, so I've been trying to give him a chance with this one - but I am about to give up).

So the very day that I posted about how he ignored me, X called me and asked me to spend some time with him. A small part of me wanted to say no, but I said yes.  I asked him if he had gotten my Christmas Eve message, and he informed me that when he's on vacation, he doesn't listen to or turn on his cell phone (I can believe it, I actually saw his cell phone with 28 messages that night) unless he needs to use it.  And he doesn't check e-mail on vacation either.  So I guess I understand..  ;)

Anyway, we had this totally emotionally deep conversation.  He asked me if I knew what my husband would look like.  HUH?  And what was my definition of a real man.  He kept making all of these comments, like "If we looked at all of the guys who are attracted to you in a given year, it would be this great big bunch of eclectic men."  I asked him how the hell he even knew that, he tells me "I talk to other guys."  At one point in our conversation, he put his hands in my hair - I had a feather in my hair. After he took it out, he twirled a curl for a second. Umm, I don't want my male friends playing in my hair.  Either you are my man and you can put your hands (basically) wherever you want - sorry to be so crude - or you aren't and you can't!

We have this thing where I tell him way too much information - not on purpose, but I guess to shock him.  Right before I left, he told me he thinks it's kind of bullshit, and I only do it for attention.  UM YEAH.  Then he was like "I have to go check my voicemails because some of them are going to expire at midnight" - what?  You say this profound thing about me and then leave?  Also, he told me I gave him a lame hug, and that he wanted a real hug.  So I put my purse and bags down and gave him a "real" hug, as if he were my rock, my foundation.  He was into it for a couple of seconds - then he says "Okay, gotta go."  Again, WHAT?  I told him he didn't give me a real hug, and he said "next time"

Well on to what my Dr. said today - the first thing he did was ask about him.  He's changed his "You don't have a chance"  to "He obviously cares about you but he wants to figure out if you are good enough (those fucking words again) to be his life partner".  Did I ask to be his life partner?  I just want to know if he gives a crap about me as more than a friend, or if I am just someone to hang out with when he's in town every month.

I think (this must be obvious to everyone reading this) that my pdoc has a shitty concept of relationships and I need to find a tdoc to talk to about those issues.  The icing on the cake was that I told my Dr. that X doesn't know my family is really toxic and negative.  He thinks my mother, especially, is perfect, and she's a complete bitch in real life.  So my Dr. says (I swear I am not making this up) - "good thing he doesn't know, because that's another thing that would make you unsuitable as a romantic partner".  Okay, I guess I haven't had the best relationships, but isn't a real, longstanding relationship built on trust, honesty, etc.  At what point would I be revealing that these people he believes can do no wrong are as crazy (if not crazier) than I am?  Sounds stupid to me...

Thanks again,

Jade

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He actually said that???  Who actually says shit like "he's trying to figure out if you're good enough"???

Maybe keep the pdoc around for RX stuff, but get a tdoc to help with life issues.  This pdoc is an ass.  Really.

As for the guy...he's sending you all these mixed messages.  I hate when guys do that.  It's so annoying!  It may be time for an ultimatum--either he likes you or he doesn't.  Either he wants a relationship with you or he doesn't.  He needs to make a decision already.

Contacts fusing to corneas.  Must go to bed.

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He thinks my mother, especially, is perfect, and she's a complete bitch in real life.  So my Dr. says (I swear I am not making this up) - "good thing he doesn't know, because that's another thing that would make you unsuitable as a romantic partner".
Your pdoc is a sick puppy.  Clearly, your pdoc enjoys treating you like dirt, and you are allowing it.  The whole thing gives me the creeps.  It's very unhealthy.
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I think that this pdocs involvement with X is clouding his reactions to this problem and causing this kind of talk. Now is the time to set a boundary with your pdoc, as he has a professional conflict of knowing you both. Why are you discussing X with him and not with your tdoc? You could quit talking about X or get a new pdoc.

More importantly, you need to stop seeing, calling, responding to X. It is causing you pain. You cannot be friends, it will not work for you. You know this and have been told this repeatedly. X has moved on and has a girlfriend, and is being unfaithful with all this hair touching and questioning about your previous love interests. Not unfaithful because he wants to be with you, but simply because he obviously enjoys seeing you conflicted when he tempts you this way. He is not a man, he is an adolescent who is selfish and cruel. Have some self respect and let him go. You will not progres in your life until you do.

Your pdoc is trying to help (albeit in an assy way), and you have nothing but contempt. X is clearly using you, and you adore him.

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I think that this pdocs involvement with X is clouding his reactions to this problem and causing this kind of talk. Now is the time to set a boundary with your pdoc, as he has a professional conflict of knowing you both. Why are you discussing X with him and not with your tdoc? You could quit talking about X or get a new pdoc.

For the past couple of years, I have only seen him for both my therapy and my meds.  In the past it's worked really well.  Now I see that I need to find a tdoc who doesn't have issues.

More importantly, you need to stop seeing, calling, responding to X. It is causing you pain. You cannot be friends, it will not work for you. You know this and have been told this repeatedly. X has moved on and has a girlfriend, and is being unfaithful with all this hair touching and questioning about your previous love interests. Not unfaithful because he wants to be with you, but simply because he obviously enjoys seeing you conflicted when he tempts you this way. He is not a man, he is an adolescent who is selfish and cruel. Have some self respect and let him go. You will not progres in your life until you do.

I guess I didn't mention (not sure if it changes anything) - but I was wrong, X doesn't have a girlfriend.  I came out and asked him and he said no.  But you are right, he does enjoy seeing me conflicted.

Your pdoc is trying to help (albeit in an assy way), and you have nothing but contempt. X is clearly using you, and you adore him.

True.  ;) Thanks for snapping me back into reality!

Jade

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Straight from my livejournal - not based on any of the great feedback I've gotten here - just a rant... please ignore if you want:

<rant>

OKAY I GET IT!!!!

How many fucking friends have to tell me "He's just not into you" or whatever fucked up catchphrase while they sit there with their men all in LOVE (sounds confusing)?  I fucking get it!  He doesn't like me for anything more than a friend. I am a pathetic piece of shit for liking him.  Anybody ever heard of sympathy?  Damn....

</rant>

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You know, maybe it's true that "he's just not into you", but he's certainly sending you some seriously mixed message.  Plus, there's a big difference between getting it in your head and getting it in your heart.  So tell that to anyone who's constantly telling you "he's just not into you".  Or you can just tell them to come to Boston and kiss my ass.

~CS

Go Jade!

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