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Love at the Pdoc? NO-NOT YOU!


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I met a person at my pdoc's office who is an MDD patient. He is very nice and all, and I like him as a FRIEND. For my loyal readers (smirk), you already know I have a boyfriend of 4 years who suffers from anxiety disorders. I have no plans on changing boyfriends.

The new FRIEND gives signs he thinks it could/should be more. Like he called me today and told me he had such a nice time yesterday and is thinking of me. ???

I take this to imply he thinks it was a date, or would like our next meeting to be a date, or anyway, that  he LIKES me.

How can I tell him nicely, without splashing my boyfriend in his face, that it is a friends thing for me? I've always been kind of weak in this department so I need some advice!

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As a guy, I have to say: guys fucking HATE it when girls pull this indirect bullshit, dropping their boyfriend into the conversation or whatever. I've talked to other guys about this, and this seems pretty consistent. There is nothing wrong with being direct. Tell him you are in a relationship and aren't available for dating. It may seem like you're throwing something in his face, but actually it's a lot more open and honest, which is the foundation of any relationship, including just being friends. And there is nothing insulting about it. When you do the hinting thing, guys either pick up that you find them completely unattractive and find it too hard to be open with them about any possible attraction on their part, or that you are attracted to them too and are leaving this unsaid while clueing them to your unfortunate non-single status, which could change in the future. You don't want to convey either of these things, particularly if you'd actually like to be friends.

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As a guy, I have to say: guys fucking HATE it when girls pull this indirect bullshit, dropping their boyfriend into the conversation or whatever. I've talked to other guys about this, and this seems pretty consistent. There is nothing wrong with being direct. Tell him you are in a relationship and aren't available for dating. It may seem like you're throwing something in his face, but actually it's a lot more open and honest, which is the foundation of any relationship, including just being friends. And there is nothing insulting about it. When you do the hinting thing, guys either pick up that you find them completely unattractive and find it too hard to be open with them about any possible attraction on their part, or that you are attracted to them too and are leaving this unsaid while clueing them to your unfortunate non-single status, which could change in the future. You don't want to convey either of these things, particularly if you'd actually like to be friends.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

This is good to know.  But what if the guy ISN'T thinking that it was a date, and just wants things platonic too?  Then you (we) end up looking like (a) dork(s) because you (we) were thinking you were thinking something different?  It's hard to tell. 

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That will almost never happen. Guys will want to get to be better friends pretty much because they want to have sex with you. I can't remember the last time I pursued a platonic friendship with a female. Oh, no, wait, I can. She became attracted to me, went into couples counseling with her fiance (a friend of mine at the time) to deal with this, and both of them eventually gave me the cold shoulder because I was threatening their relationship. I'm not sure what lesson I learned there...

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  • 4 weeks later...

Confession-

I don't know what it is...but the guy I met at the pdoc is turning out to be a real friend, a very cool person with a great heart.

I'm not in a romantic relationship with him, but his simple KINDNESS, without EXPECTATIONS or worse, OBLIGATIONS has pointed out to me just how lacking my relationship of 4 years has been. Looking at this friendship I have with Mr. X (guy from pdoc's office), I see someone who is responsible for his own mental health, who doesn't run off to take his drugs when his girlfriend is crying and asking for a favor. (cosigning is a huge deal, I know, but I never missed a rent or car payment in my life, so where's the TRUST?!).

I've made up my heart and mind that my relationship with Mr. Anxiety is 1/2 of MY anxiety and I feel like his callgirl or something. (My manic mom claims I should charge Mr. Anxiety for my "time" hahahahah  ;) !)

I'm going to take it in stride and just enjoy friendship with Mr. X and feel great knowing I have a real friend and that I'm not going to get picked up and carried off to bed anytime soon unless I start it. We've had some great times!

----------- loon---------------

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Anxiety boy!!! Great and accurate way to describe him! He is actually 48, ready to GROW UP. If I feel more mature than someone old enough to be my dad, then it is over-- gotta have boundaries.

Thanks for all your great input- I'll handle Anxiety Boy (or AB) the next time I talk to him on the phone. I'm considering a public place, just because we were together for 4 years and it seems kinda crass to dump him on the phone, but I need BOUNDARIES. ;)

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