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I don't know what to do.


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I'm sorry for bothering you guys, especially since I've never been any good to anyone here.  But I'm meeting with my pdoc tomorrow for the last time (I'm moving), and I'm really not sure if I should be honest with her or not. 

Things haven't been going so well.  I was taking 250 mgs. of Lamictal for about 10 months.  After my last major overdose, my pdoc was threatening me with involuntary committal, saying how sad she was that I'd have to lose my job and my apartment...my lovely therapist argued it out with her, and I haven't said an honest word to her since. 

I decided I didn't want to take meds anymore.  They're too dangerous for me.  I quit my job in preparation for the move, so on Thursday, I simultaneously went down to 100 mgs. and started a water fast.  By this morning, I felt so awful that it was all I could do to open my eyes. 

But the truth is, I like it this way.  I feel cold again.  All of the emotions that surge up when I take Lamictal...I can't deal with them anymore.  I don't think I have it in me.  This numb shell of a person I am without medication is the only way I can keep myself alive.

Please give me your opinion.  I don't like my pdoc, and I don't trust her, but I also don't trust myself.  I told my doctors that I'd make arrangements to see someone where I'm moving to, but I never meant to.  I feel so afraid now.  There's nothing holding me back.  I'm not sure I have enough energy to care, and I've never quite liked myself enough to think I deserved better.

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Moving? As in to a whole new town where you don't know anyone? Moving is one of those events that's always near the top of those "most stressful things" lists. Tapering too fast off Lamictal and fasting right before moving sounds like a great way to really fuck yourself up. I hope you'll give this some further thought and come up with a better answer. Really.

I'm not sure I have enough energy to care, and I've never quite liked myself enough to think I deserved better.

Nobody deserves mental illness. It's not a punishment. It just is. Give yourself another chance. Find a new doc. Maybe it'll be someone you can trust and who can find a way to really help you.

Good luck in your move. Please post and let us know how you're doing.

Greeny

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I am quite aware that this is fucking me up.  I know this is wrong, and that's why I'm asking here...trying to come up with something, anything, other than this. 

What choices do I have, really?  I quit my job, won't have insurance anymore, and I'm moving for no particular reason.  In the process of "moving", I want to be confident that I won't decide to drive off a bridge or into a tree.  I don't know.  I just don't know.  Psych wards have been nothing but bullshit for me in the past.  Maybe everything will be fine if I just keep my mouth shut.

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I'm sorry if I sounded like I was berating you; that wasn't my intent. I hate finding new doctors. Ugh. Maybe you could find a support group where you're moving. Even if you don't end up staying in the group, lots of times the members will know who the good doctors and therapists are.

I hope you find a good place for yourself.

Greeny

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Ouch.

Have you told your tdoc? She sounded pretty helpful. Maybe she can suggest someone to start seeing in the town (state?) that you're moving to? Have you told your tdoc that you're trying to get off medicine?

Why are you moving exactly? What are you trying to do once you're moved? When are you moving? Do you have a new job lined up? Can your pdoc giv eyou samples or get some last minute scripts written out so you can get them filled while you still have insurance?

I think you had a shitfuck of a pdoc. But not all pdoc's are like that. I bet you could find someone else who would be willing to work with you. Because it sounds like you had an awful experience with the one you had.

Is that even a possibility? To find a new pdoc who will help you, and give a shit about you and your mi. I went to three different ones until I found one I liked and was comfortable with. There's nothing wrong with "shopping around" until you find someone who matches your goals.

As for the getting off the Lamictal...please please please be careful. There's a warning about cutting it out cold turkey that you can get seizures, and that is definitely NOT going to help. (I realize you're doing the whole weaning thing, but at least talk to your gp.)

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A couple things to note when stopping anti convulsants= there are different kinds of seizures.

There are the big scary ones that every one knows about, but then there are partial seizures. These can have all sorts of fun symptoms- strange stomache sensations, odd physical sensations, confusion, and associated emotional instabitlity are some of them. This means you could be messing yourself up a lot more than you know. And you don't really ever know what is going to happen.

Plus lowering your dosage that quickly for any med is going to give you some effects, simply because you are used to it.

Be honest with your doctor. If you want to be off of the Lamictal because you feel it is not working for you, ask what an appropriate schedule is for lowering the doses and getting off of it. If you really don't feel comfortable- I would suggest going off of it the same way you titrated up. Generally, that is recommend if you are unsure.  I don't quite remember what the starter pack says, and it varies depending on what meds you may have been taking at the time.

The safest would probably be 50mgs every 10-14days.  But, in all honesty, it is likely overcautious. Regardless, you probably shouldn't take my word for it, and ask a doctor, instead.

Along wth all of the other stress you are experiencing, you don't need to add the possible withdrawal effects.

As far as getting another tdoc and pdoc- you really should persue this where you ar moving.  There are many community programs that offer assistance.

If you need help finding one, you can PM me and I can try to help you figure out where to look.  I got the impressino from your post that you don't yet have a job lined up for where you are mosing to. If you get a tdoc at the new place, they will help you sort all of this out.

Please don't just give up. Not all doctors are like your psychiatrist.  I am not entirely certain what happened, but it seems like they were a little condescending, in the very least.

I'm sorry for bothering you guys, especially since I've never been any good to anyone here.

You aren't bothering anyone.

But, please- you did overdose [at least once, though it seems lik more than that. You need a good support system.  Try to find one when you move.

~navy~

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Have you told your tdoc? She sounded pretty helpful. Maybe she can suggest someone to start seeing in the town (state?) that you're moving to? Have you told your tdoc that you're trying to get off medicine?

Why are you moving exactly? What are you trying to do once you're moved? When are you moving? Do you have a new job lined up? Can your pdoc giv eyou samples or get some last minute scripts written out so you can get them filled while you still have insurance?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thanks for your suggestions...I don't really know what I'm doing when I move, but I do know that I'm moving on December 31st.  I have scripts, but I don't have any money to use them, nor do I want to.  I haven't told anyone about the medicine (or lack thereof).  I have no way of explaining or justifying this stupidity.

I don't even have a gp.  I just feel like I shouldn't have tried to fix things in the first place.  At least before all of this -- the hospitals, the meds, the doctors -- I didn't expect to wake up not wanting to die...does that make sense at all?  I still have the same inclinations, but now I realise that it isn't the human condition to wake up wishing you hadn't.

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I sure don't think I've been having seizures.  It seems like the sensations of a seizure would at the very least be novel?

One of the things (as we all know) that is the most frustrating about bp is that when you are messing yourself up, even though you might have cared the day before and might very well care the day after, in that moment, self-preservation just doesn't seem important.

Be honest with your doctor. If you want to be off of the Lamictal because you feel it is not working for you, ask what an appropriate schedule is for lowering the doses and getting off of it. If you really don't feel comfortable- I would suggest going off of it the same way you titrated up.

Ugh, I went up 12.5 mgs at a time.  It was ridiculous.  I didn't say anything to my pdoc today; I know she would have freaked out and try to get me committed.  I just babbled on about God only knows what and then smiled sadly on the way out for having seemed okay yet again.

Thank you for your help in looking for community assistance. I'll be living off the land (without a job), and the closest doctors are about 45 minutes away...I wish I could bring myself to at least look into things, "just in case", but I can't do it right now.  I hate this.

Thank you.  I'm sorry.  Thank you.

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Just throwing in my cents...

I could be wrong here, but I'm wondering if you are "pulling a geographic"? In 12-Step groups they use this term to describe when someone tries to "fix" things by just moving, etc. You know...rather than do the real work that needs to be done?

Just a thought.

BTW, I agree with all the other responses in encouraging caution here. You need to take care of yourself, and you can't do that if you aren't being honest -- with yourself and others.

Take care,

revlow

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