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There is a voice in my head that is constantly telling me I am a stupid ugly idiot who does everything wrong.

I went to a wedding this weekend. Very stressful, exhausting weekend filled with family obligations. But.....I had a good time and managed. I survived.

 

Now, the FUCKING INTRUSIVE VOICE in my head is drifting in and out of my day telling me exactly how I screwed up.

 

This FUCKING INTRUSIVE VOICE is invalidating the fun and the hugs and the love and the blast over the weekend.

 

It is an UGLY BITTER VICIOUS VOICE IN MY HEAD THAT I CAN SEE AND HEAR AND TOUCH AND TASTE.

 

 

This voice meddles in my choices, before and after.

It is directly targeted at me and all of my various peccadilloes.

I am weird. I can be loud. I don't like to be part of the crowd. 

 

The voice hones in on every little bit of outside the box that happens.

 

I am fairly 100% sure it is the voice of my mother.

 

"Yes you may be happy and love but it it is an illusion, no one really loves you and everyone is really pretending to like you. YOu are an idiot. If you do this your way you will lose. If you don't do it PERFECTLY you will fail."

 

The Voice has standards that are unrealistic. 

The Voice is deaf to anything good that happens.

The Voice sneers at my art.

The Voice laughs at my life.

The Voice is unflappable.

The Voice is a yellow gas that threads it way among the window panes.

 

 

Does anyone else have An Intrusive Voice?

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Emphatic YES.  Definitely.  Very similar to everything you said.  Nearly identical to this part:

 

it it is an illusion, no one really loves you and everyone is really pretending to like you. YOu are an idiot. If you do this your way you will lose.

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Yes I do. Its been there so long I just ignore it/continue on with what's supposedly my life. Probably not much help, but I know what its like. Sorry you have to deal with it too.

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Yes, I do also.  I've been able to ignore it for the most part for awhile now, but it took years to be able to do that.  I found that if my mind is working to slow, the voice will come out more and try to communicate with me more.  It is ALWAYS cut-downs in one way or another.  Never anything good that I do, or that I am.  Sometimes I think back to the voices that "it takes one to know one" ... meaning if you (the voice) think I am a loser, then you must be too.  Then I have to distract myself to get the voice to go away and I don't hear it in my mind.  But it is always there.

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I take it that your mother is very critical of you. I should know this, but I don't: Are you in therapy? CBT is great for talking back to such critics. Meds are hit and miss, but with the right tools (from therapy), you can take on the voice toe-to-toe, and you can beat it. You are stronger than any critical voice!

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I take it that your mother is very critical of you. I should know this, but I don't: Are you in therapy? CBT is great for talking back to such critics. Meds are hit and miss, but with the right tools (from therapy), you can take on the voice toe-to-toe, and you can beat it. You are stronger than any critical voice!

I know exactly how to fight the voice. Otherwise I wouldn't be alive right now with  my life exactly the way I want it. I am blessed.

The Voice however, never really leaves. Ever

 

 

 

Yes, I do also.  I've been able to ignore it for the most part for awhile now, but it took years to be able to do that.  

What helps the most?

 

 

 

Yes I do. Its been there so long I just ignore it/continue on with what's supposedly my life. Probably not much help, but I know what its like. Sorry you have to deal with it too.

Thank you. Sorry you have to deal with this too.

 

 

 

 

 

Emphatic YES.  Definitely.  Very similar to everything you said.  Nearly identical to this part:

 

it it is an illusion, no one really loves you and everyone is really pretending to like you. YOu are an idiot. If you do this your way you will lose.

 

Thank you Circles. It is always an amazingly simple truth but just knowing that I am not alone helps so much.

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What helps the most for me to keep the intrusive voice/s away is keeping my mind distracted with things.  Anything.  The longer I am distracted the more desensitized from the voices I am. 

 

I have to stay away from certain music that will start up the voices that always cut me down (although I have to say once in awhile they are helpful ... not with saying nice things about me, but helping me out making a decision or giving me advice on something).  But really anything I can do to not have enough time to sit back and think about things (anything), like reflecting on something.

 

Also making sure I get enough sleep helps, as well as keeping my stress level low.  Doing these things will keep the voices at bay that say mean things to/about me.

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My voice always the same voice.

The same FUCKING INTRUSIVE VOICE

that takes everything created and smashes it like brittle glass.

 

Will turn something lovely and wonderful into ugly and awful.

the voice that always mistrusts, never forgives, never understands.

 

The voice is either HERE or NOT HERE. 

There is no in between.

All that other shit is MY ruminating, obsessing, anxiety. The normal stuff. lol

 

This Intrusive Voice is always talks from the same side of my head.

It is NOT ME.

Always negative. Never ever has anything good to say about anything at all.

And anytime I take a risk, make a mistake, stumble, 

The Intrusive voice is right up front and center saying told you so.

 

A poem about my mother.

 

 

‎"Accomplishments"

 

I painted a picture-green sky-and showed it to my mother.

She said that's nice, I guess.

So I painted another holding the paintbrush in my teeth,

Look, Ma, no hands. And she said

I guess someone would admire that if they knew

How you did it and they were interested in painting which 

I am not.

 

I played clarinet solo in Gounod's Clarinet Concerto

With the Buffalo Philharmonic. Mother came to listen and said

That's nice, I guess.

So I played it with the Boston Symphony,

Lying on my back and using my toes,

Look, Ma, no hands. And she said

I guess someone would admire that if they knew

How you did it and they were interested in music which

I am not.

 

I played an almond souffle and served it to my mother.

She said, that's nice, I guess.

So I made another, beating it with my breath,

Serving it with my elbows,

Look, Ma, no hands. And she said

I guess someone would admire that if they knew

How you did it and they were interested in eating which

I am not.

 

So I sterilized my wrists, performed the amputation, threw away

My hands and went to my mother, but before I could say

Look, Ma, no hands, she said

I have a present for you and insisted I try it on

The blue kid gloves to make sure they were the right size.

 

Cynthia Macdonald

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I hear a intrusive voice that acts similar to yours.  I dont recognise the voice, but i call her "the bitch voice" or "Lauren".  She really pesters me about what ever i'm doing.

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Yeah, I have a voice. It is an amalgamation of people in my life, but mostly I guess it's just the voice of my MI. It says the same kinds of things to me that yours does to you.

 

Slowly slowly I have started having voices of my counselors. A therapist, G, from an outpatient program I did was always on at me to be assertive. I have a G voice now that once in a while tells me to be assertive. I have a voice of my current tdoc too. 

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I take it that your mother is very critical of you. I should know this, but I don't: Are you in therapy? CBT is great for talking back to such critics. Meds are hit and miss, but with the right tools (from therapy), you can take on the voice toe-to-toe, and you can beat it. You are stronger than any critical voice!

I know exactly how to fight the voice. Otherwise I wouldn't be alive right now with  my life exactly the way I want it. I am blessed.

The Voice however, never really leaves. Ever

I’m not sure if the OP is referring to psychosis or not.  

I realize that it’s possible to have psychosis with depression, but I was under the impression that it is only likely to happen during a severe depressive episode.  Maybe this is incorrect?

 

I’m tempted to suggest meds, but I think that the people who have experienced depression probably have a better idea of what the OP is going through.

 

 

I hear a intrusive voice that acts similar to yours.  I dont recognise the voice, but i call her "the bitch voice" or "Lauren".  She really pesters me about what ever i'm doing.

^^I can relate to this, my voices were very negative about me and everything that I was doing.

 

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There is a song about this voice called Mr. Self Destruct by Nine Inch Nails. I feel that song and its lyrics best describes this entity within me and probably you. I share custody of my mind with this voice, it's not another personality, it's definitely still me but not me me. If you know what I am talking about then you'll understand, otherwise I just sound crazy (which I probably am).

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I have what I call an inner critic, that sounds like my Father, and yells at me telling me how much I messed up.  I can ignore him up to a point, but I still end up feeling uneasy. It does make it hard to enjoy things.

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What helps for me is to write back and forth with it- like we are having a conversation (granted an ugly one) I can usually come to some sort of compromise with it. It helped for me to try to understand what it was really trying to tell me, usually that I needed to be more assertive because I was letting a situation control me , like Geek said. It just has a really shitty way of trying to communicate.

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I hear a intrusive voice that acts similar to yours.  I dont recognise the voice, but i call her "the bitch voice" or "Lauren".  She really pesters me about what ever i'm doing.

 

I'm sorry. My voice has a name too - Phyllis. When I am in the midst of wondering if my negativity is really the critical voice, I;ll ask hubs, "is it Phyllis talking". If I have to ask I know it is.

 

 

 

Yeah, I have a voice. It is an amalgamation of people in my life, but mostly I guess it's just the voice of my MI. It says the same kinds of things to me that yours does to you.

 

Slowly slowly I have started having voices of my counselors. A therapist, G, from an outpatient program I did was always on at me to be assertive. I have a G voice now that once in a while tells me to be assertive. I have a voice of my current tdoc too. 

 

I like the idea of having another voice named that does battle with Phyllis. That is what happens - I'll beat Phyllis down to the mat. But I never really gave that assertive voice a name. It is an amalgamation of all of water. The best parts of me. The part that came into the world knowing I was wonderful the way I was and that life was an adventure. 

 

 

 

 

There is a song about this voice called Mr. Self Destruct by Nine Inch Nails. I feel that song and its lyrics best describes this entity within me and probably you. I share custody of my mind with this voice, it's not another personality, it's definitely still me but not me me. If you know what I am talking about then you'll understand, otherwise I just sound crazy (which I probably am).

 

Yes, I think I understand. My Voice is not really totally separate from me, I know that. But it is another personality altogether - another way of looking at the world. Still me but not me me. yeah. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have what I call an inner critic, that sounds like my Father, and yells at me telling me how much I messed up.  I can ignore him up to a point, but I still end up feeling uneasy. It does make it hard to enjoy things.

Yes!! That feeling of being uneasy is exactly what my voice does.

 

 

 

 

What helps for me is to write back and forth with it- like we are having a conversation (granted an ugly one) I can usually come to some sort of compromise with it. It helped for me to try to understand what it was really trying to tell me, usually that I needed to be more assertive because I was letting a situation control me , like Geek said. It just has a really shitty way of trying to communicate.

 

hmm...thank you. I don't think my voice has any problem with communicating. It knows exactly what buttons to push, how to destroy.  I like the idea of conversing back and forth with the voice instead of me listening, me stamping out the voice, me listening to my inner self which is all about acceptance.

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My tdoc taught me the "three for one" trick. Every time that voice says something nasty, say three kind and caring things about yourself. So my voice says, "You're stupid" and I respond with, "No, I am intelligent, thoughtful and compassionate".

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My tdoc taught me the "three for one" trick. Every time that voice says something nasty, say three kind and caring things about yourself. So my voice says, "You're stupid" and I respond with, "No, I am intelligent, thoughtful and compassionate".

Thank you!!

I like that.

Three for one. yes!!

Stamp Out The Voice!!

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Today I had a clear difference between my internal ruminating, beating up, worrying, anxious shit thoughts

And The Intrusive Voice ahole.

 

One is very different, thoughts brushing thru quickly, negative, critical, not so nice at all, but they brush on by like raindrops.

 

The Voice hits me in the gut. One punch and I could be down for the count.

It is not a grouping but a single bleak black negative WHUMP in my stomach, solid and real.

 

Amorphisizing this voice seems to help.

 

Definitely catching it in the act helps. 

Depression is a very slippery slope.

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I have intrusive thoughts, that follow me around all day. Telling me I should leave my perfectly loving, loyal, and supportive husband. Making me question if I am truely in love with him. That I would be better off alone and share custody of our kids.  I have NO desire for an actual divorce, or to seek out attention for another man.  Though if I did indeed leave it would be truely unfair of me to keep him married to me, just because id be scared to 100% loose him. I want him to be happy. Which he says despite all my thoughts, and depression he says he is with me.
Im religious and know it is not gods will to leave.   Really my husband is an amazing loving father, supportive, honest, never speaks bad about my depression. Even when I tell him I have the the obsessive thoughts of leaving he just hugs me and says he loves me and he has my back.
On days when they arent as bad, I know I would just be misearble without him. He is my best friend. We have been together 13yrs in Aug. Married for 5.5 we have 2 beautful children together.   Everyone says we are perfect together. and I used to fully believe that too... We respect each other so even when we have our arguements they never get very nasty.    I wish these thoughts would go away.. They make me feel so guilty, sucks away any joy I should be able to feel. If I left it would devisate my kids to not see both of us every single day, It would devisate my husband. I would honestly probably feel even more lost then I already am.  I dont even now where I would go as I am a stay at home mom with no income of my own.

 

Money is tight right now... VERY tight so I cant afford to go see a theripist. I do think my meds need changing, I see the pdoc on monday. We do go see our preacher to talk when we can, but my Mother in Law always complains about watching the kids for us to do so because its later in the evening when he can meet with us.
Id love to get rid of these thoughts. I KNOW I dont want to rip my family apart but my head is trying as hard as it can to convince me otherwise.

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