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I guess he's Just Not That Into Me


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I think for us, three months is a long time. For men, not so much. We think that at the three month mark a guy should know whether or not they want to be with us exclusively or not. Not so for a lot of men.

We have the terrible habit of putting all our energy into one guy, even if he's very new, hoping things will work out all the way to marriage. Men diversify more looking for the one that matches best.

I say, take the men's example and start dating around more. Look for what YOU want, not just what's available right in front of your face. You deserve to find everything you are looking for. Just because this guy can't see how great you are doesn't mean you are unlovable. Why let some guy who is just trying to have his cake and eat it too define your self-worth. Don't you dare let that happen. Next time you talk to him, tell him you're going to date other people also. If he doesn't care, then he isn't the one for you anyway. If he flips his lid, then ya'll have something to talk about. Like him dumping this other chick.

Just the way I would handle it.

Croix

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Just my opinion (being a guy), but 3 months is a significant amount of time, especially of you're going away for a weekend together. Different people have different ideas of dating and being exclusive, and younger people are a lot more liberal while they can still get away with dating multiple people, but if this isn't what you want you should just walk away and take what you can from the experience. Hold out for someone more mature who knows what they want. It may be this guy just wants steady sex and a friend but doesn't want any more commitment than that. Some people want that, some people don't. Look for the ones who don't.

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Hey all, thanks for your thoughts!!  I just looked at my calendar and it turns out it hasn't been quite 3 months, in fact, it's been just short of 2 months.  (I'm really bad at keeping track of time.)  Don't know if that changes things much.

I just feel...so rejected...so burned...so hurt.  He seemed really nice, really forthright.  I am very shy and was slow to warm up to him and he said it was "fine" and my shyness was "cute."  But of course, I bet this other girl is really confident and wonderful and I just look like a reject in comparison.  I told him that I am infatuated with him and he said he's really infatuated with me too!!  So, why jerk me around?  Is it just infatutation and nothing else?

All I want is love...why can't I just find someone right for me who I can love and will love me back.  I just don't understand.  I feel so unlovable!  Other guys ask me out, but I am looking for certain qualities that are pretty rare (ie. not mainstream), so it's not easy for me to meet the right guy. 

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Guest Guest_Croix_*

Danna, I agree with Karuna on this one. If a guy is really into you, he'll show you by his actions. You teach people how to treat you, and if you stay hoping he will pick you over this other chick, you're letting him know he holds the cards as far as your self esteem and relationship goes. Let him go, move on.

You are not unlovable because a couple of guys you liked didn't meet your expectations. You really need to get a grip on your self esteem where guys are concerned. They are just looking out for their own interests, which is exactly what you should be doing. Demand higher standards. If they don't meet them, then bye-bye.

Although I should point out these must be realistic standards. Is it possible that you disregard some men that you meet because you don't get to know them well enough to know if ya'll mesh well? Don't get stuck looking for one "type". Give em all a try. Accept as many dates as you can get. Get to know lots of different types of people.

I hated jocks and popular people when I was in school. Wouldn't even talk to them. They were beneath me. What happens... you guessed it, I ended up marrying a Marine who was his high school's star quarterback. The ultimate jock. I never would have thought. But I realized a couple of years out of school that I was unfairly not giving these types of guys a chance. And now I have a loving, caring husband (with a hot bod, I might add) and a wonderful little boy. I would not have had these blessings in my life if I hadn't given him the chance.

Instead of concentrating on Mr. Right, look for Mr Right Now and enjoy yourself. Then meet another Mr Right Now, then another. Get out there and have fun. You'll learn a lot about yourself, I promise. Then suddenly Mr Right For You will show up. He may not necessarily be what you had in mind, but you never know in what form love will show up.

Croix

PS. The book Why Men Love Bitches, get it. Read it. Live it.

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I don't do this often... but I'm going to stand up for the guys this time. 2 months is NOT a very long time. I think the fact that the guy told you about it shows some integrity. It sounds like he was noticing that you were feeling more than what he was able to promise you, and he didn't want to mislead you and make you think you were getting more than what he was willing to give. . Letting you know that he likes someone else too, might be man secret code for "whoa.. slow down lady!"

I dunno.. I'd review what you're looking for. Are you comfortable with casual dating? Can you handle a relationship with no commitment? If you decide to keep spending time with this man, I'd suggest deciding on your boundaries NOW, talking about it with him, and then go with the flow. It's possible that your ability to communicate with him, and his feeling safe confiding in you, will be what tips the scales in your favor.

So yeah.. don't allow him to disrespect you, and don't do anything that will cause you to lose respect for yourself, but don't stress about being "unlovable" either. He's been going out with you because HE LIKES YOU. It's possible that this will become something more serious, and it's possible that it will fizzle out and you can part friends. It's also possible that you will decide to walk away now, and that's fine too. Try to give him the benefit of the doubt with this though. He told you because he thought you should know. That is an indicator of respect. If he had no respect, he wouldn't have told you anything, and he would've played with you until he got tired of you and then disappeared. 

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SerraGeorge, I hear what you're saying, but it still hurts.  Why can't a guy be on the same page as me?  Why do I always have more feelings than they do?  Why do I always want to get closer to them than they do to me?  It makes me feel so unlovable.  It just hurts because I always felt rejected and unloved...and now this makes me feel all of those feelings all over again and brings up so many doubts.

For instance...will I ever meet the right guy and be in a healthy relationship???  I'm so lacking in self confidence that I don't know if that's ever going to be possible for me. 

When this guy told me what he did, I let out so many vulnerabilities and now I feel ashamed.  I told him how infatuated I was with him, and that I didn't have good luck with guys and this always happens to me. I feel like such a loser!  Who would say this to a guy who is dissing them??!  They'd be like, "your loss, sucker."  But not me.  I'm so needy and down on myself...it's really pathetic.  I just feel that it's no wonder that he's cutting me loose.

These feelings are really eating me up inside.

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For instance...will I ever meet the right guy and be in a healthy relationship???  I'm so lacking in self confidence that I don't know if that's ever going to be possible for me.

No. Chances are you won't until you are healthy and capable of providing a healthy half of a relationship.

People always dismiss this, but I really think that the key to finding a good relationship is to stop looking. It's more than that though. While you're not looking for a relationship, you have to find out who you are and get comfortable in your own skin. Practice being a good friend, a good family member and a good human being. Develop hobbies and interests. Fall in love with your life, realizing that you are complete just as you are. You don't *need* to have a romantic partner to be fulfilled. It takes some time and effort, but the results are awesome.

When someone loves their life, their friends, their social activities, their hobbies, their family, etc, they become much more selective about who they allow into it. Dating becomes "Is this person worthy of my time and effort?" instead of "Oh god I hope I don't screw this up and let him see how lame I really am!" You will start attracting people who are fascinated by you and the things you do, and you'll believe that they like you  because you'll be proud of the things you do!

And... if doing that doesn't draw someone worthy of you, it won't matter! You will have cultivated your other relationships, and discovered a life that really is fulfilling to you. If it does draw someone special, you will be able to give a wonderful gift to that relationship. You will not *need* that person, which will free you to simply *enjoy* that person.

I know that these relationship things can hurt. I'm so sorry you are suffering. I'm rooting for you though. You have a tender heart and a sensitive soul. Put those things to good use! I believe in you! Let this be the door to something different in your life.

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I would never get a couple/few months into a relationship without addressing the issue of whether I was being monogamous or not. Besides the fact that in modern times this is a *major health issue*, it just makes no sense to keep such a thing secret unless you're looking only for your own gain and don't care about the people involved. The only reason I might not bring it up were if I was being monogamous, which I would assume to be the default if no one said anything about it after 2 or 3 dates max. That's me.

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I would never get a couple/few months into a relationship without addressing the issue of whether I was being monogamous or not. Besides the fact that in modern times this is a *major health issue*, it just makes no sense to keep such a thing secret unless you're looking only for your own gain and don't care about the people involved. The only reason I might not bring it up were if I was being monogamous, which I would assume to be the default if no one said anything about it after 2 or 3 dates max. That's me.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Jemini, you're less of a frog than this guy!!! (I'm talking about your avatar, of course)

I still feel a little bad, but I'm feeling better than a few days ago.

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I haven't talked to him since our last date when he dropped the news about the other girl--and after which things got physical (we slept together...I know, I know but I really wanted to and was crazy attracted to him, and he claimed to be crazy attracted to me).

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I figured I'd wait for his call and if it didn't come I'd have my answer.  What do you think?  It's been 3 1/2 days I guess

He may be waiting for you thinking that you may be pissed at him.  Give him space but let him know if you want to keep dating (do you? that's the question I guess).  Let him know that you are glad he told you but are bothered by it.  Or act all mysterious and maybe he will want what he can't have.  I've been no help have I?  Sorry.

Dating sucks.  It is so hard to find someon that you are on the same page with, and usually things are just awkward and weird.  My MO is to date any halfway decent guy way longer than I should to avoid dating all together.  Suuuucks.

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I'm vaguely encouraged by the fact that women actually advise each other to act all mysterious and see what happens. I'm not sure why exactly.

This may just be me, but I've never in my life been more attracted to a woman because she's being mysterious. I've never been attracted to a woman for being direct, either, but mystery holds no special allure to me. It sounds to me like *if* you are interested still in this guy, he probably needs to know what you think. There's no reason to be direct, coy, mysterious, or anything else if you aren't interested in him still, and if it were me I'd bail. But I don't know all the facts, and I'm a guy, so I dunno.

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Hey guys, so I waited a bunch of days and called him, figuring I'd get his voicemail.  He answered and he sounded really relieved to hear from me!!  He said he had a good time the other night, and that he still had to think about things.  I feel very encouraged because we had a good talk and he said he'd call me over the holidays.  All along I'd already figured he'd given me his "answer," ie. that he's not that into me, when now he says that that's not true and that he is interested in me.  Of course, I still don't know where things will be going with this guy.

Thing is, I feel that I have very high expectations for people, and when they let me down I tend to make a lot of assumptions or even "bail" and go out of my way to avoid them.  I feel that this was a learning experience because I decided that rather than close him out and assume I knew what he was thinking--and that he was rejecting me--I decided to just ask where he was at.  I think one of my New Years resolutions is going to be to try to be more open to people.  I think a lot of the time I expect people to hurt me or reject me, and therefore, I go around feeling like a bit of a victim.  I take everything soooo seriously.  I'm starting to see a pattern that maybe I can change.  Maybe people aren't all out to stomp on my feelings and hurt me?

P.S. I love hearing a guy's perspective on these matters, as I always feel that I have a hard time understanding men...they just seem to think so differently than women.

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Stop feeding his ego. In a very direct manner tell him what you want and more importantly what you expect. Giving anyone enough freedom to dance at two weddings is not a good way to build a stable relationship. What you want, need and expect are just as important as his feelings.

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