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Is anyone else haunted by what they say?


hollow log

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I kick myself sometimes after I've said something that sounds stupid or rude, or is innapropriate, and it really bugs me!  It repeats on me, and follows me around.  I have just started a new job in a science museum for children, and I've been getting to know the people, and it's never easy breaking into a large group.  You walk a fine line between what to say and what not to say.  I was mucking around with two other gay guys yesterday, and we were being quite crude, but I came out with something quite crude (playing with one of the guys) in front of some of the older crowd there.  They were a bit shocked, and I left there kicking myself that I'm creating the wrong impression.  I do just want to be myself, but each work place has it's own culture.  I keep telling myself that they have probably forgotten what I said, and it is no big deal.  But I still feel so ashamed!  It's annoying because I still feel bad no matter what I say to myself!  The joys of being a nutbar... 

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sometimes it involves kicking self, or cringing, but mostly i seem to grunt/squeal when i'm in the middle of ruminating about what an ass/fool/heelbar i was. this is in itself kind of embarassing, but i really don't find it something i can control. if my wife asks me what i just said or what's wrong (when she hears the grunt), i usually say nothing. i don't like the fact that i am so haunted by that stuff.

in my house growing up there was a lot of over-analysing social situations that had passed. what did so-and-so mean by that - no, maybe they meant this - or they could've meant that, or maybe it wasn't about you... or what did that gesture mean, or was it really so bad what i said, what should i say the next time on the phone.. etc. etc.  i think MOST of the time i kept silent girl routine.. but i must have internalized the process.

i guess i usually try to just make more statements, and do things to push the memory out of their minds (with ref. to the job thing and making impressions on people). of course, this can quickly lead to over-talking and more foolery so i don't necessarily advocate for this.

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sometimes it involves kicking self, or cringing, but mostly i seem to grunt/squeal when i'm in the middle of ruminating about what an ass/fool/heelbar i was. this is in itself kind of embarassing, but i really don't find it something i can control. if my wife asks me what i just said or what's wrong (when she hears the grunt), i usually say nothing. i don't like the fact that i am so haunted by that stuff.

in my house growing up there was a lot of over-analysing social situations that had passed. what did so-and-so mean by that - no, maybe they meant this - or they could've meant that, or maybe it wasn't about you... or what did that gesture mean, or was it really so bad what i said, what should i say the next time on the phone.. etc. etc.  i think MOST of the time i kept silent girl routine.. but i must have internalized the process.

i guess i usually try to just make more statements, and do things to push the memory out of their minds (with ref. to the job thing and making impressions on people). of course, this can quickly lead to over-talking and more foolery so i don't necessarily advocate for this.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Yeah I do the grunt thing as well, or I swear at myself out loud.  It is something I feel I can't control either.  And when something happens, like at work the other day, it seems to bring up other things in my head for me to cringe and grunt over.  2 days ago it was happening all day.  I've already thought about making more statements that will put me in a positive light... but yeah I don't want to chase my tail with that.  What you describe is pretty much what I go through.  It's nice to know I'm not alone.

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hello, hollow log:

To answer your Q: Yes. I've certainly done the same thing.

What I've found that helps is to remember that the sooner I let it go, the better. If I keep hanging on to it in my mind, I'll just act even more "off" around people, and will draw even more attention to myself and what it was that I did or said that was wrong.

One trick I've found to let go of these thoughts is this: Whenever one of these thoughts come to mind, I treat it as if I were in a meeting of all my different selves, and in my mind I act as if I were the "chairman" of this meeting and say to this thought "Thank you very much for sharing. Now let's hear from the others." After awhile, it becomes rather humorous, and I can start to laugh at myself (which is a heck of a lot better than taking myself too seriously). I find this technique works much better than trying to suppress these thoughts, which only seems to fuel their power. If I can acknowledge them and then in my mind say "okay, let's now move on" it is much better in the long run.

We're all human. We all make mistakes. Take it all with a big grain of salt.

Best wishes,

revlow

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One trick I've found to let go of these thoughts is this: Whenever one of these thoughts come to mind, I treat it as if I were in a meeting of all my different selves, and in my mind I act as if I were the "chairman" of this meeting and say to this thought "Thank you very much for sharing. Now let's hear from the others." After awhile, it becomes rather humorous, and I can start to laugh at myself (which is a heck of a lot better than taking myself too seriously). I find this technique works much better than trying to suppress these thoughts, which only seems to fuel their power. If I can acknowledge them and then in my mind say "okay, let's now move on" it is much better in the long run.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Cool, I will try that out.  Thanks!

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  • 2 weeks later...

pretty much everything i say is inappropriate.  It's pretty much what i'm known for.  If i had an australian dollar for everytime someone said or gave me that look saying "i can't believe you just said that" your country would be bankrupt.  I am, undisputed, a complete jackass.  I think what i do about it is accept it.  I say some pretty damn funny shit sometimes, and i guess that's who i am.  Some people love me, some hate me, but I guess what's most important is that i manage to leave quite the impression on most everyone.

As for swearing, learn to swear in obscure languages.  I swear in dutch and allemagne german.

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I like the swearing idea! I have to learn some phrases in another language! I know a zillion swear words and phrases in Spanish, but where I live it'd be just as bad as swearing in English.

I was just telling a friend last night about my fear of saying something goofy, inappropriate. I do the same thing. "I think what i do about it is accept it." Yup.

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Guest FrannyNZooey

Wow, hot red button. Kind of result of lot of arguments(I think maybe all at first 12 years or so with ex). All the inappropriate things I supposedly said in front of our groups we met with at church, and his work, and in neighborhood, and at childrens schools, and at grocery stores,while getting cup of coffee, and guess just me walking out front door.

Got kids to be on alert for it too, and they were good on "sharing" all I did and said on our outings.

God, Hollow when you find the med that cures that, PM me STAT, so I feel like I really can go get job again(not come home after couple days, and have same story as yours, cause always did, yeah things just flew out that I thought were funny, then got that same look) and get the fuck out of this house!

Aly

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Some people love me, some hate me, but I guess what's most important is that i manage to leave quite the impression on most everyone.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Yeah I've had in mentioned to me a few times that I seem to leave a mark on everyone I meet.  It makes me happy to hear I'm "out there" at least.

As for swearing, learn to swear in obscure languages.  I swear in dutch and allemagne german.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I am sooo going to start doing that Pasta.... spanish looks good.

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Boy, do I know the embarrassment of a loose tongue.  Not so much for crudeness, but for TMI.

As for vulgarity... instead of learning another language, get creative with English.  My co-workers get a giggle whenever they hear me say something like, "Dag gum it all to blazes!"  or "Slimy son of a dog!"  That's as crude as I get in my conservative office environment.

My daughters picked it up too.  When my 15-year-old told someone at school to "Consume feces and expire", the teacher let it slide for creativity, but told her to watch her tongue.  The person she "cursed" at had no idea what she said.  My 17 year old "cordially invited" someone to "visit the theological place of eternal damnation."  She got away with that.

People still get befuddled when I tell them to, "Kiss my left toe."

It may not work for everyone, but it worked for me.  I still use vulgarity when I'm really REALLY mad or when the situation can bear it, but I generally get creative with it.  It's still venting, and I get the added pleasure of confusing people because they don't know what the hell I'm staying - even though I'm speaking English. 

Stubborn mules, all of them.

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How about calling the VP of I.S. a "fat ass complete with a Napoleon complex and a small dick that has the programming skills of a 10 year old? " during a staff meeting? Naturally he was not there, but I know the manager told him.

OK, now I was trying to get fired so I could keep the bonus they paid. They DIDN'T fire me for that.

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