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Went off meds and am now on Mirtazapine, but....

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I just don't feel good on it. 


I had been of Effexor for many years and gradually weaned myself down to where I thought, I don't want to take this any more.  I've always had problems with libido, and I felt numb on it anyway, so thought I'd see if the libido would come back off of it.  Big mistake.  It wasn't about the withdrawal problems.  I started taking supplements like Sam-E and 5-htp, and things seemed to be going ok I guess, but then I was tested for ADHD since I was having such horrible problems with concentration, memory, scatter-brain, and I've always been a disorganized clutter bug...I tested negative but the psychologist said I had depression (I knew that), GAD and OCD.  He said "there are meds that can make you feel normal!"  And so I went to the p-doc thinking that might be true - maybe there's a new drug out there....


Well, she put me on Viibryd, and when I bumped up to 20 mg, all hell broke loose with the worst anxiety I've ever had in my life, including insomnia with horrible fretting about all things out of my control.  I didn't like her, backed down off the Viibryd, and went back on the supplements.


I just couldn't get back anywhere near where I was, and I was still having horrible insomnia and periods of anxiety like never before.  Out of desperation, I stopped the supplements and started a very small dose of Effexor since I had a big leftover stash of the non-time release type, broke the 37.5 mg in half and started with that.  In a few days I was serotonin syndrome almost to the degree of needing to go to the ER!


So, I stopped everything and managed to get an emergency appointment with a p-doc I had seen once before.   He put me on mirtazapine, said it was a gentle antidepressant, that I needed to be consistent, that I had been on three years' worth of med changes in a very short period of time, and that this med would help me sleep and get my appetite back.  He said play with it, start with 7.5 mg and then increase as I needed to.


So, initially I felt much better on the starting dose, but pretty soon I was having mood swings, would start the day ok but have anxiety and depression in the afternoon.  I began adding more.  After a few weeks I was already up to 30 mg and still having bad days, really bad actually.  My family was concerned and everyone wanted me to see that doc again.  I called his assistant, since he said she was the quickest way to get to him, left a VM, but she didn't get back to me.  Long story short, four calls later and finally talking to another assistant and leaving a concise message saying essentially "help me!," I still never got a response!  She did say don't wait for a response if I was really bad, go to the ER.


Well, I am afraid to go to the ER for all the aftermath that would ensue.  What if I get committed, and all the cost associated with it all?  Our insurance pretty well sucks.  I hate the thought of my husband and I going into financial ruin over my fucked up brain.


I upped the dose again, adding 7.5 mg mid-day to the 30 mg I'm taking at night.  I still don't feel it is adequate.  I am still apathetic, have no desire to do the most basic things that I used to enjoy, and bide my time during the day waiting for my hubby to come home since I feel more secure when he is home.  I have had depression all my life, but I have never been this bad.  In fact, though I feel I have never been happy with myself in all my 50 years, I can look back and say that yes, I felt better and was more functional than I am now. 


I often feel empty and unsettled.  For those of you on mirtazapine, do you ever feel that way?  Sometimes I just can't stand being in my skin.


I am doing some CBT and am seeing a therapist once a week, and she said I seem worse than when she first saw me a few months ago.  There was a gap where I didn't see her because there weren't any available appointments, during which all this got really bad with the deep depression and anxiety.  She wants me to see the p-doc that works out of the same office as her, and I have an appointment with him in two weeks, kept trying to get one sooner but there aren't any appointments.  I have an appointment with the p-doc who never responded on Monday.  I need to see him just to renew the script at the higher amount to hold me until I see the new guy.  I just don't even know what to say to him.  He is not big on meds to begin with.  I didn't think I was either, but clearly my brain chemistry is so deficient that I'm one of those people who HAS to be on meds.  I'm just scared.


I'm afraid of SSRIs, now.  I hear such bad things about them.  I'm afraid of the process of figure out which one will work, taking months at a time to change them and give them time to work.  I wish the mirtazapine were capable of doing the job because it does seem to have fewer problems, but it's just not working!  I feel generally horrible.  Mood swings, irritable, and when I do feel better it's very superficial and prone to fading.  I wish I could get back to where I was on the Effexor, though I remember times of not feeling well-controlled on it, too.  


I'm just feeling pretty hopeless that I'll ever be able to feel content, secure, happy to greet the day, energetic, motivated, satisfied ...

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Oh, I will add that yes, I have learned my lesson about doing shit on my own without a doctor's guidance.  I realize the need for that now.  I have been beaten soundly about the head and neck by life's lesson about this! 


I am also taking a multivitamin, Vit C, Vit E, fish oil, B vitamins and magnesium in addition to the 37.5 mg mirtazapine

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I'm sorry you are having a rough go of it. I take mirtazapine and I don't get those side effects. Mirtazapine is approved to go up to 45 mg in the us so you do have room to go up if your doc agrees.


I'm moving this to the antidepressants forum because it is about meds.

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