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Benzos and booze


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I am trying like hell to keep my head above the dark tide. Sometimes I want to kill myself, but this is one of my other"sisters" the one that just wants to make me hurt. Understand that sometimes I cut, pierce,pound or burn for other reasons, but there are time that the shard of me that thinks I'm a shitstain that needs to be bleached becomes overwhelming....my tdoc won't address this issue with "shards" and just thinks I'm a dramatic and an attention seeking BPD...

We have one "loony bin" and the doctors there treat me with contempt and very poorly, I'm afraid to go to the ER for the same reason, but my dark sister isn't satisfied with lighters and matches anymore...she wants propane torches and things. I love the idea of Christmas, but can't deal with the ugly memories of my screwed up family and am scared of myself. I guess I just needed to vent... It's been really rough herer lately and I'm trying to deal. My tdoc is out of town until after the 1st and I'mreally having problems...I don't want to turn the propane torch on myself, but part of me does...

What can I do to survive? any sugestions?

Sorry to involve the board in my continuing melodrama

EDIT: Sorry to leave this out...so I'm taking clonazepam, seroquel,synthroid and lamictal and drinking like a fish...part of me just wants to die and part of me doesn't I'm so damned confused.

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Hold onto the part of you that doesn't want to die. Death is final, permanent, and whilst there's a part of you that wants it, there's a part of you that doesn't. I think the fact that you're asking for help here suggests that the part of you that doesn't want to die is trying to do something positive to overcome the other side, if that makes sense.

If it gets so bad you're about to do something, go to the ER. It doesn't matter what the doctors think of you, for now, it matters that you stay safe and live to see another day.

Not sure what else to say, but keep posting.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I have sister shards too.  One that likes to insult and cut and thinks the rest are generally garbage, but at the same time protects them (me) from everyone in the outside world.  Not that I have DID to my knowledge but I am certainly fractured. 

Fucking docs thinking we are melodramatic.  Asses.  This place was made for your drama, express it loud and clear, we are listening.  And we don't think you are attention seeking. 

I know that feeling.  That if I express all that is going on inside me it will be thought of as attention seeking.  Especially the SI.  But fuck them.  Better that I hurt myself than end it all together.

I know you feel like absolute shit.  And there seems to be no end in sight.

I too have many many phases of too many benzos and fishy drinking.  All I can seem to do is force myself to taper.  I want the whole bottle... I will drink half.  I want a handful of benzos, i will still take them... but not as many.

Your tdoc sounds like a jackass for not addressing what you clearly see as an issue.  Fuck him.  Tell him he MUST address it.  Do not relent.  If he wants to talk about something else, interrupt him and say, "We are talking about THIS today."

Can you find another tdoc?  Because seriously, if this one is ignoring issues you think are important then he is not doing his job.

Are your meds not working?  Maybe you are due for dosage alteration or a change.

This shit always passes, but weeks or months of it are fucking unbarable.

All I can say is taper, stand up to your doc and give him shit (it will feel good ;) ), and keep coming back and letting us know how you are.

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If you are feeling really crappy Panz, to the point where you are considering doing something stupid then I urge you to get down to the ER room without hesitation. Who cares what the doctors think, they are paid to treat you, not judge you. Your welfare is paramount, not their snotty affectations. Please please tell someone, dont do what I did and make a half arsed suicide attempt whilst pissed - you could seriously do yourself some harm or really killing yourself whilst you are only in half a mind to do so, please please tell someone or get onto this board  ;)

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