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Schizo....? The Beginning...

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Well hi everyone! 

I'm Lara, just joined a week ago. It's crazy how your life can change in an instant, right? Just like that, I was in some doc's office with two chairs, hand sanitizer, a fake plant, and books on "impulsivity" "psychotherapy", and GODDAMMIT! "coping with mental illness." Ugh.  

I came in for anger. Because I was just so angry you know! Just so stressed out! And people had started to avoid me, and squint at me with suspicious eyes, and I think they were talking about me. :((Now that I look back....nope...., I firmly believe they were talking about me.) "Is there any history of mental illness in your family?" Ugh.

And I just couldn't sleep. For the life of me I couldn't sleep. My thoughts were conducting their daily midnight podcast, their own seminar documenting my life. Even if I did talk louder than them, and turn up music, and watch TV at the same time, and sing to myself, they were still so loud.  

Then she asked me did I hear voices. Wait...how did we get on that subject? Like really, I can't remember, how we got there. And "well yes, sometimes I hear someone calling my name, a female screaming my name, but it's not often you know, it's not often, maybe twice a week, not too bad." Shrugs shoulders.

"Well we can't diagnose quite yet, it usually has to be a period of 6 months or so..." Yes, your stigmatizing DSM. Okay doc.

"Tell me about the paranoia, the suspicion."

"Well, I think my roommate is thinking bad thoughts about me and I believe she's plotting to kill me. A vent connects our room, and I believe she may release harmful chemicals into my room any minute now, so I've stuffed the vent.....People in general are plotting! They look at me strange you know. They wrinkle their noses, suck their teeth...they must can hear my thoughts. That must be why they're so mad, so mean. But hey doc, you can tune in too if you like to my channel. My thoughts are actually being aired--I even have my own radio station. 95. point FUCK YOU! No, but seriously I do have my own radio station, doc. It's local, not too big you know, just low-budget stuff. It doesn't have a name, but it exists."

"Do you ever see things?"

"Shadows and cats, and I feel bugs crawling on my skin, in my hair, sometimes I'll see day when it's really night and everything has this bright, luminescent sheen to it..."

And it's so gradual...this psychosis or prodromal phase. Cause everything starts off so small. Because I didn't really notice that my delusions, and suspicion, and lapses in speech, and hallucinations (someone really had called me, right?) (and it was just something in my eye, that time) were significant. You don't think its anything serious, or even something worth noticing, until your psychiatrist points it out. Until you start losing interest in people, even your closest friends, until you're afraid to leave the house. 

And then you realize you're only 20, and you're too young for this.

I haven't had a psychotic break yet, so I sometimes avoid taking my meds, because it really can't be that serious, right? I mean, I still get from point A to point B. Why take them? Even if she says it's serious, it can't be that serious right? Maybe I'm just afraid to accept that there may be something going on up there. Maybe subconsciously, I'm just afraid of the stigma. 

God, I hated that fake plant. 


Edited by Lara Christ
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Wait, I have anger/rage issues too. I also get very paranoid. I too have thought my whole family and friends were trying to kill me. I suspect they have camera's watching me at work with hidden microphones.  I too get tactile hallucinations, bugs or some one touching or nodging or poking me. I also see shadowy stuff, and have even heard distant voices like in a crowded room but far off. Occasionally I hear some one call my name but there is no one there.  But most of the time I'm ok. Mypdoc dismissed schizo for me. May be you need to see 4 more pdocs and see what 4 out of 5 pdocs say about you.


I've been diagnosed with major depression, upgraded to bipolar, down graded to bipolar2 with anxiety disorders.


I agree, your too young to have to go thru this, but perhaps it's a blessing in disguise! Better to get this taken care of now!

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Yeah, do not expect a quick diagnosis at all, it will take a while before you and they have a firm idea what's the problem. I've gone through a lot of the same stuff in terms of wanting to know what's wrong, I'm not really any closer five months into being under the care of the CMHT. We all have some ideas of what the problem is for me. What has helped though is being able to relate to other's experiences here, my needing to know what's wrong has diminished quite a bit. Keeping a log of the things going through you head might help. But try not to self diagnose and keep your mind open to all possibilities; psychosis comes in many favours and sources, from depression to asperger's; schizophrenia to bipolar.

Edited by Southern Discomfort
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