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I haven't found much help on this forum as of yet. I admit that it's highly unlikely due to symptomatic general behavior patterns, but I wish some more people with ASPD/psychopathic tendencies would post on here.

Entonces, I've researched quite a few sites in search of not only basic daily behavior patterns, but, more to the point, specific daily interactions that most sociopaths/psychopaths "put up with" to get on with things.

Being a music buff, one of the very few things I've been looking for includes music that sociopaths/psychopaths truly identify with, lyrically (or even aesthetically). As far as the internet has taken me, I can't say it extends past anime, which is incredibly sad, to say the least.

So! Please let me be the first to post one of my favourites, in the ambitious hope that someone will reciprocate. To reiterate, this is to better understand myself, with the hope that I can savour a bit of identity after reading some posts from like-minded people.

Slayer — "Seven Faces"

 

Edited by snickers
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Haha I've heard that song numerous times. It could just be that I have a chronic aversion to Slipknot, but it's never rang a bell for me. It's not bad, but since I was a kid, that band always seemed they were trying just a little too hard. How about something more metal? Not that I want to restrict this to metal songs, because it's not about the genre at all; but this song has always hit home for me as well, is in the same vein as my first post, and I used to give the singer's cousin saxophone lessons. Perhaps it's in the delivery?

 

 

Edited by snickers
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The daily experience of putting up with stupid shit from people while also putting on an act is hardly unique to AsPD. It's not even unique to personality disorders in general. Certain personality disorders just find it either more difficult or less difficult than Nons to pull off consistently, but Nons experience and go through the same shit and often for the same reasons.. to make money, to avoid getting in trouble, to get people to cooperate. Consider any customer service schmuck, or anyone dealing with an idiot customer service schmuck, the elementary school teacher who has to refrain from blurting out, "No, Jimmy, your drawing really sucks, the trees look like giant hairy dildos."

My words have no meaning to you
You interpret as you please
I know that you pretend to care
But there's nothing you will miss
And if you think this isn't about you
Well I'm sorry, 'cause it is
But all you wanna do tonight
Is get caught up in youth

And maybe you're impressed
With everything I do
But I don't give a shit
I don't give a shit

I'm just being used
So all you idiots can
Go and breed to death
Go and breed to death

I just can't wait to get you all out of my way
My metaphors didn't work so I'll just say it straight and plain:
I'm not good with affection
Or with getting inside
But you just force it down so hard
That I wish I could just rip the tension right out of my lungs

I know you're still impressed
With everything I do
But I don't give a shit
I don't give a shit

I'm just being used
So all you idiots can
Go and breed to death
Go and breed to death

Here, I'll sell it to you:
I hope you breed to death
I hope you breed to death
I hope you breed to death
I hope you breed to death

 

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The daily experience of putting up with stupid shit from people while also putting on an act is hardly unique to AsPD. It's not even unique to personality disorders in general. Certain personality disorders just find it either more difficult or less difficult than Nons to pull off consistently, but Nons experience and go through the same shit and often for the same reasons.. to make money, to avoid getting in trouble, to get people to cooperate. Consider any customer service schmuck, or anyone dealing with an idiot customer service schmuck, the elementary school teacher who has to refrain from blurting out, "No, Jimmy, your drawing really sucks, the trees look like giant hairy dildos."

Fair enough, though most of the time this facade stretches to almost all aspects of daily interactions. Thus, it gets incredibly repetitive to look like you're having fun with others, surprised, upset, etc. Most people would call me an extrovert, but to be honest I feel the same with or without people around. Lately, however, I have been a little more angry when others are around, but it doesn't ever show. It's this silent, ever-present rage that I've had as long as I can remember, that I believe most individuals with this disorder must feel at some level. Although the song you posted is deeply misanthropic, as opposed to embodying that perpetual misunderstanding, I liked it! I've never heard it before.

Speaking of relationships and breeding haha... one song comes to mind that's one of my favorites. It hits the nail on the head in regard to how I view romantic relationships, no exceptions. Chronic emptiness. The feeling that comes when you become close with someone romantically but you don't feel any different in regard to them--there's still nothing there, no more emotional attachment than when you first met. It's difficult to explain, or deal with, or even fake (the attachment). Meanwhile, the other person has no idea and assumes that the relationship is progressing, but it's not, and it's never going to. Romantic relationships, more than anything else in my case, always leave a deep-seated desire for a connection (that's impossible), just like a bad taste in my mouth that won't go away, every time.

Elliott Smith - "Pitseleh"

I'll tell you why I
Don't wanna know where you are
I gotta joke I've been dying to tell you
The silent kid is looking
Down the barrel
To make the noise that I kept so quiet
Kept it from you, Pitseleh

I'm not what's missing
From your life now
I could never be the puzzle pieces
They say that God makes problems
Just to see what you can stand
Before you do as the Devil pleases
Give up the thing you love

But no one deserves it

The first time I saw you
I knew it would never last
I'm not half what I wish I was
I'm so angry
I don't think it'll ever pass
And I was bad news for you just because
I never meant to hurt you

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The daily experience of putting up with stupid shit from people while also putting on an act is hardly unique to AsPD. It's not even unique to personality disorders in general. Certain personality disorders just find it either more difficult or less difficult than Nons to pull off consistently, but Nons experience and go through the same shit and often for the same reasons.. to make money, to avoid getting in trouble, to get people to cooperate. Consider any customer service schmuck, or anyone dealing with an idiot customer service schmuck, the elementary school teacher who has to refrain from blurting out, "No, Jimmy, your drawing really sucks, the trees look like giant hairy dildos."

Fair enough, though most of the time this facade stretches to almost all aspects of daily interactions. Thus, it gets incredibly repetitive to look like you're having fun with others, surprised, upset, etc. Most people would call me an extrovert, but to be honest I feel the same with or without people around. Lately, however, I have been a little more angry when others are around, but it doesn't ever show. It's this silent, ever-present rage that I've had as long as I can remember, that I believe most individuals with this disorder must feel at some level. Although the song you posted is deeply misanthropic, as opposed to embodying that perpetual misunderstanding, I liked it! I've never heard it before.

If you stretch your facade to all aspects of your life, then you are simply pressing upon yourself for no apparent reason. I would probably have a lot more internalized rage, too, if I did that to myself. There is no point to it.

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The reason is to blend in and try to live a normal life. That is the disorder in a nutshell. It would likely be frightening to others were I or people like me to have no readily apparent emotions.

I would bet that you are basing that on some contrived concept of normality. A lot of Nons are fairly messed up themselves. Everyone has their story. They also tend to be more laid back and accepting than it seems most people with personality disorders assume. Although perhaps that is just a common thing with personality disorders. I used to be similar when I was much younger. However there are plenty of Nons with a dark sense of humor, or who can relate on some level to frequent aggravation. Personality disorders are also far more common than most people seem to think. I tend to get along well enough with people with NPD and BPD, they often have their darker sides, as well. If you want to avoid conflict, then you only need to watch out for people with highly sensitive triggers. This is all a matter of gradually testing the waters and observing closely. Having AsPD does not mean one needs to be some mustache-twirling villain stereotype, nor do you need to go around defining yourself with "Antisocial Personality Disorder." Perhaps instead you are just a more nihilistic crab-ass with a dark sense of humor, or whatever string of words you consider most apt or prefer for yourself. A lot of self-heralded sociopaths seem oddly sensitive and insecure, come across more like depressed narcissists to me. Most sociopaths do have most emotions; there is just the matter of shallow affect. If you truly feel nothing but irritation, and feel the need to suppress your true self to the point of tormenting yourself, for the sake of other people's feelings, then maybe AsPD is off the mark.

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Someone please to show me the way
To a place where love does not decay
Where
I can see forever
I can see the truth
I can see what's real
And what's wrong inside of you
Can you feel emotion
Can you lose control
Can you make me say the things
No one else should know

Braindead you're forcefed
With our interference
Absent to madness
With holes in your head
Voiceless you're screaming
Deny that you're dreaming
As the sky falls
And time tears your life apart

Deception
My objection to this
Is that there's no where left
For us to exist
And when I try
I still can't feel
There's nothing new
You're so unreal

Obsession
No direction to this
And we still can't find
A place to exist
You read my mind
There's nothing to feel
There's nothing new
There's nothing real

Edited by BloodGeist
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A million faces, each a million lies
For each and all a chrome disguise
Prompts for action, force reaction
Embody promise in a sheen so pure
Hurt, the measure of blind ambition
The testament to your singular disease
Against all wisdom you heed no warning
Your desires giving you away

If I could change your mind
I wouldn't save you from the path you wander
In desperation dreams, any soul can set you free
And I still hear you scream
In every breath, in every single motion
Burning innocence, the fire to set you free

Your actions turn conquest to dust
In portents of fate, you foolishly place trust
Sense fear in your broken breathing
Resort to shadows till your body expires
All creation has the promise of Heaven
And still you travel the road to Hell
I'm saying nothing for the good of myself
But I'm still talking and you're not listening

If I could change your mind
I wouldn't save you from the path you wander
In desperation dreams, any soul can set you free
And I still hear you scream
In every breath, in every single motion
Burning innocence, the fire to set you free

As night descends upon the city
The streets are cold, the lights go by
And in the stories of the people
A million faces, a million lies
They'll never say they feel what you feel
That they can see the world you see
And in their faces, their expressions
A million faces, a million lies

 
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More along the lines of AsPD fantasizing, in most cases..

Insanity

Just a word used to sum up
All the things they've heard
All my deeds, all the blood, all the drugs

What I did to those pretty little girls
Pieces that were missing in the puzzle I created

Children in the streets
Lying decapitated
Eviscerated, with their tongues cut out

"What demon could do this?"
People like to ask
I read the tabloids
I like to laugh

I am the monster from their dreams
I am what they'd like to be

I can get away with this
I can be free
I can walk down your street
And you wouldn't even notice me

I am the malcontent
That slips through the cracks
I am the nightmare
That always comes back

I cannot be caught
I am above the law
The blood of millions rampant in my mind
No reparation for my crimes

I am a criminal only in thought
I'll plunge this knife into your heart
Trust in you was a lost cause
Faith in God was a lost cause

A darkened corridor slick with bloodshed
A hand that is mine, spattered in red
Trust in this was a lost cause
Faith in this was a lost cause

Screams that are muffled
Drowned out, drowned out
Out of breath

Screams that are muffled
Drowned out, drowned out
Out of breath

Run, run, you can't hide
Hide, hide, but you'll die
Run, run, you can't hide
Run, run, you can't hide

I am the monster from your dreams
I am what you'd like to be

I am the malcontent
That slips through the cracks
I am the nightmare
That always comes back

I cannot be caught
I am above the law
I cannot be caught
I am above the law

No law, no gods, no faith
Humanity is not what I suffer from
Humanity is not what I suffer from

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Intolerance, self-glorified ignorance
It sucks you down with your face pushed against the fence
Why don't you finish yourself, since you don't really care?
Let the screams in your head be the last things you hear.

Just go..

Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?

(What the fuck is wrong with you?....)

Part of me (part of me!)
Suffocates (suffocates!)
Intolerate (intolerate!)
No one is innocent
Experience (experience!)
Intolerance (intolerance!)
Familiar (familiar!)
Screaming faces

No one is innocent!

Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?

(What the fuck is wrong with you?....)

Why don't you finish yourself,
since you don't really care?
Let the screams in your head
be the last things you hear!

Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Hey! You! What the fuck is wrong with you?

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The reason is to blend in and try to live a normal life. That is the disorder in a nutshell. It would likely be frightening to others were I or people like me to have no readily apparent emotions.

I would bet that you are basing that on some contrived concept of normality. A lot of Nons are fairly messed up themselves. Everyone has their story. They also tend to be more laid back and accepting than it seems most people with personality disorders assume. Although perhaps that is just a common thing with personality disorders. I used to be similar when I was much younger. However there are plenty of Nons with a dark sense of humor, or who can relate on some level to frequent aggravation. Personality disorders are also far more common than most people seem to think. I tend to get along well enough with people with NPD and BPD, they often have their darker sides, as well. If you want to avoid conflict, then you only need to watch out for people with highly sensitive triggers. This is all a matter of gradually testing the waters and observing closely. Having AsPD does not mean one needs to be some mustache-twirling villain stereotype, nor do you need to go around defining yourself with "Antisocial Personality Disorder." Perhaps instead you are just a more nihilistic crab-ass with a dark sense of humor, or whatever string of words you consider most apt or prefer for yourself. A lot of self-heralded sociopaths seem oddly sensitive and insecure, come across more like depressed narcissists to me. Most sociopaths do have most emotions; there is just the matter of shallow affect. If you truly feel nothing but irritation, and feel the need to suppress your true self to the point of tormenting yourself, for the sake of other people's feelings, then maybe AsPD is off the mark.

Perhaps that's true, and perhaps it isn't. However, joining this site, discussion of these issues, and especially wearing the right mask at times are decisions made solely for my wellbeing and progress, not for the sake of others. I'd like to say more about past diagnoses and my history, but I shouldn't. Regardless, the reason I'm here is to find others like me, to exchange stories, and to gain advice and specific behavioral strategies to improve my life. The labels are irrelevant.

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Perhaps that's true, and perhaps it isn't. However, joining this site, discussion of these issues, and especially wearing the right mask at times are decisions made solely for my wellbeing and progress, not for the sake of others. I'd like to say more about past diagnoses and my history, but I shouldn't. Regardless, the reason I'm here is to find others like me, to exchange stories, and to gain advice and specific behavioral strategies to improve my life. The labels are irrelevant.

If you do not know what you are, in the sense of certain aspects of your mind, then how will you know truly when you have found others like yourself? I agree that you can call it whatever you like, or call it nothing at all, but you have to at least be able to make sense of it before being able to recognize it in others, I would think..

You speak of having to put up with things, how it stretches to almost every aspect of your daily interaction, and how it is for the sake of blending in as opposed to frightening people away.. even though you also report that you feel the same with or without people, except for lately, when apparently the company and interaction with others is making you even angrier than usual. So you are subjecting yourself to "putting up with" these experiences, even though the experiences themselves piss you off, and for the sake of not scaring people off.. so that they will stick around and piss you off anymore?

Perhaps it has just been too long for me. I obtained for myself an anti-psychotics prescription, which helped a great deal to shut down my seething and impulsiveness. Not entirely, but a great deal.

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