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Long time stalker now new member


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Hello crazyboards,

I am not ashamed to admit that I have been stalking this website for over a year now and finally took the plunge and joined tonight. I already know and love so many of the members here - simply from reading and reading and reading posts and blogs. You all welcome and love fellow crazies. So here I am and here is why I am here:

 I have always been anxious, paranoid, and can cry at the drop of a hat. I cried from age 2 to 6 every single day. When asked, "what's wrong?", I would always sob my reply of, "nothing". All my family members remember what a super sensitive child I was. I cried for someone to love me because my narcissistic mother could not. To this day, my mother is not a source of love and goodness for me or others, but is drunk and pilled out by 6-7pm every day. She was never formally diagnosed but to me, she has been self medicating forever. Her drunken rages when I was growing up are very much part of my crazy.  She abuses pain pills and drinks every single day now and has taken Zoloft for years now...so she is not the same person who raised me and my sisters. Another part of my crazy - where is that bitch from 40-45 yrs ago who messed me up? She doesn't exist and I have no closure. It is not fair.  

I have been in therapy off and on and my family doc has been doing what he can with meds for me, but I requested and finally saw a pdoc. I was so nervous and worked myself up good that I showed up to that first appt PISSED and not a friendly person. I did not mean it at all mind you, it just happens sometimes but at least he saw me when I was not acting normal. I felt like he listened to me more when I did start talking...All I know, it was not nearly as scary as I convinced myself it would be. Huge step for me.  So is joining this site. But I did it!

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Great job finding professional and peer supports for yourself.

I hope you continue to find CB a welcoming community as you start being a more visible participant.

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Hi, Crazy insurer. Welcome to your new home.

I know what you mean about the memory of drunken rages and the lack of closure. My father died before I could ever have any meaningful conversation with him about how my childhood went. I still miss him every day. I guess that's me being me.

Feel free to ask me or the other mods any questions you have about the site.

Gearhead

 

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Hello and Welcome to Crazyboards!  I'm glad you decided to formally join.

It is very difficult to have a narcissistic parent, especially when you're young and don't understand things like the fact that your mother/father doesn't have the capability to love you.

Good for you on seeing a pdoc and a therapist.

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