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I’m caught up between my boyfriend and my ex.

I spent the night with my ex the other night due to some family issues and I just needed out of the house. My ex is caught up into some bad stuff. Drugs, selling, drinking, smoking weed. There’s never really a time he’s TRULY sober. When I spent the night my boyfriend didn’t want us sharing the bed, but we did. His excuse was I don’t want another man in bed with my girlfriend yet his friend laid on the bed when he left so we could watch OITNB together. My ex cuddled me that night, and started to get me in the mood by rubbing my legs….it felt so amazing but I didn’t give in. I even had him meet my boyfriend before that night so he’d know who I was staying the night with. I fantasized about my ex, I still do, I just wanted his hands and lips all over my body…..but he screwed me over in the past when he left me for his ex. Last night, I got into it with my boyfriend. I put everything on the table. He knows I still like my ex and redeveloped feelings for him. I didn’t plan to, no one plans these things. My boyfriend is very shy and reserved. And totally not confrontational, so that’s something that doesn’t make me feel safe….what if something were to happen and I needed him to defend me? He’s so sweet and god to me. He reminds me how beautiful I am. He helps me with my family issues and my anxiety and depression. Etc. Last night when I was upset and crying I was at a friends house, and he was going to walk there when I was upset in the wee hours of the morning so I’d feel better. I wanted him or my ex. No one else… I see my boyfriend and I having a life together, kids, etc. He works, he doesn’t do drugs anymore, and he’s an overall good guy. I got mad at him for not ever getting mad at me for one, last night. Because of what happened with my ex and I. He said it’s because he trusts me, which is great but he can still get mad….I didn’t do anything with my ex. Believe me, I wanted to. But I held off….right now my ex and I are kind of mad at each other, again. We do this every time. We fight, forgive each other and are fine again. And it’s over and over….My BPD makes me attach to people easily, so when one person isn’t giving me attention and someone else is, there I go getting attached. My boyfriend’s roommate won’t let me see him at their place anymore, he’s working when I’m not. Or I’m in school when he’s not working. One of us is in the mood when the other isn’t. He’s the first and only guy I’ve slept with and my first real adult relationship. I’m his first girlfriend since he is so quiet and reserved too./….I don’t wanna give my boyfriend up because I’m pretty sure guys like him are dime a dozen and I don’t think I could find that again. I’m totally comfortable around him too. I’m semi comfortable with my ex since we didn’t last as long….this is also the longest relationship I’ve had. Coming up to a year…

What should I do…? I feel like I’m hurting him…

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Your boyfriend sounds like a good guy. I'm going to tell you something I haven't talked about on this site yet. I have been where you are now. When I was 18, I was dating a drug dealer, but it wasn't weed, it was cocaine. I also have BPD like you, and he gave me so much attention and made me feel so special, so I immediately got hooked on him. Before long, I was going on drug runs with him. It all felt so exciting and dangerous to me. Then we started doing the cocaine together and staying up all night. It started out with a gram or two, but before long we were doing two 8-balls(7 grams) a night. One night he left to "make a run", and didn't come back. I kept calling his phone obsessively until about 6 in the morning. The next day I found out that he had spent the night at his ex-girlfriends house. That was pretty much the end right there. I felt so used and stupid. It was pretty much the worst time of my life. A couple months later, I found out that he never stopped seeing her and he was seeing and sleeping with both of us at the same time, and he also got arrested and sentenced to 2 years in prison. In my experience, men that sell drugs are nothing but heartache and trouble. You boyfriend sounds like he really loves you, and your ex sounds like... well he sounds like my ex. I know that your situation probably won't get as bad as mine got, thank god, but your are right. Good men are hard to come by. You need to really think about this before you make a decision you might regret. I hope everything works out. 

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Completely cut off ALL ties with the ex. Let it go. Move on and focus on your current boyfriend. The ex is an ex for a reason. No good can come of it. Focus on your current boyfriend and let the ex go.

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I agree with Annabanana. It's hard to let go of twisted relationships, sometimes, but it is so much healthier when you do.

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