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*note: I have diagnosed pure-o OCD and BPD that might have some sway in this issue, but it seems like the more I obsess over being a narcissist, the more narcissistic I get so the other diagnoses might be a moot point?

 Right. So for the past two years every day I have been freaking out because I think I am a narcissist. Not that being a narcissist is a bad thing--I'm sure there are a lot of good people who are narcissists--but I'm afraid it will cause people not to love me anymore. Ever since I was little I haven't had a lot of friends and...I dunno... it always hurt. And obsessing over this narcissism thing has left me pretty numb, emotion wise--all I really feel anymore is depression. No more empathy, really, at least not for the people I know.

Empathy has taken the backburner in some ways. I cry over movies. A lot. Just the other day I cried over Benny and Joon...but in cases like that, it's because I relate to the characters. For other people, I really just feel self-pity right now but if my mom needs help cleaning, I try to help her out. So that's a bit of empathy I guess. But I also don't often take people's emotions into account and lash out or ignore their needs. Probably more so than the helping thing.

I can be manipulative at times. Like my dad had a bunch of candy from Father's Day and I ate one without asking and then only asked him for permission after eating half of it. Stuff like that.

Writing used to be really pleasurable for me. It was fun to make up stories and I would devote hours to it. As soon as I won this contest, though, and some other contests, it's turned into something I have to do for the pressure of being successful for it because I really like how people treat me when I succeed at it. Before I was sort of the black sheep of the family, but now my mom and dad seem less concerned about my future and my teachers complimented me and it just felt so good to be wanted? It felt so good to be noticed. And I hate myself for it, but it's almost like I try to substitute success in writing for love because before nobody loved me and this seems to get something close to it? So writing's not even fun anymore--it's all competition, it's all what will get people to still like me. Is that narcissistic supply? 

One thing that I don't have that narcissists seem to have is a grandiose superiority complex. People are awesome and interesting. Literally everyone is better than me. Everyone is  I love to hear people talk--like, if it were possible, I would just disappear and listen to people talk. That way, there would be no pressure about having to be liked or talk about myself and I could just enjoy learning about other people's lives. I am, however, very competitive when it comes to creative writing--in that, I *do* like to try to be better than others and get pretty jealous if other people are better.

Like I get really jealous if someone gets attention over creative writing (or academics) and I don't. It's pretty toxic. But I never put down people and try to say good things about the work despite envy. But on the inside it just burns and I hate it...but I just want people to like my work so bad. It's not even fun anymore. It sucks.

And I NEVER put people down, knowing how much it hurts for me. Ever. Even if I hate them. It doesn't make me feel better to put someone down and it won't make them feel better so what's the point?

Also, I don't hide my emotions. No attempt whatsoever. Which amounts to a lot of crying in public. Which is also maybe why I don't have friends. On the other hand, though, if someone's crying I'm not very empathatic. It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsure what to do to help them. Double-standard there.

As far as reacting to criticism goes, I wasn't sensitive about criticism until the narcissism obsession happened. But now if someone says anything critical about me I fall into a "oh no am I narcissistic"? cycle that can last hours. 

 I guess I just don't want to be a narcissist because having relationships with others is something very important to me and I don't want a disorder to drive people away from me. My greatest fear is ending up all alone, and the more I obsess over this narcissism thing, the more people don't seem to like me. It's like I don't know how to love anymore--every thought when I'm with someone is either "how can I make them like me?" or "crap i am way too narcissistic in this situation stop it".  People don't deserve that crap in their lives anyways, and I feel really bad for blindsiding people and only caring about my own emotions. They deserve more attention, but whether or not I have narcissism is literally all I think about 24/7.

There is no feeling left but sadness. I'm just lost and don't know what to do and need help. With the academics thing, I really would prefer intimacy over praise but it just never happens so praise is the next best thing, you know?  Is there anything I can do to reverse narcissism if I have it? I would do anything to fix it.

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