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Lately I've been having really bad intrusive thoughts where I think about stabbing people or pushing them in front of a train. I'm not a violent person and have never gotten into a physical fight in my life but the thing is I don't feel guilty about having these thoughts but it's not until the thoughts have gone away that I do start to feel guilty but I only feel guilty about not feeling guilty not for actually having those thoughts. Every time I get them I get as far away from people as possible as I have no desire to ever find out if I'd act on my thoughts.

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Simply put, you're not. You're only a horrible person if you actually went through with those thoughts. It's worth mentioning that the average person thinks about killing someone as regularly as every other day or something along those lines. I don't know if that's something that could be related to this, probably not but I thought it might be helpful to know that it's hardly a unique thing.

Of course what makes it worse is that visual element to it, seeing it played out before you and that somehow makes it feel like it's going to happen more especially when we have skewed perceptions. One thing for absolute certainty: you're not a horrible person for this.

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You aren't a horrible person.  I can relate to this (but with other thoughts of things), and the reason I don't see myself as a horrible person is that I don't act on the thoughts.  I also stay away from certain people when the thoughts go through my head, but I don't think that makes me a horrible person.  I don't see you as one either.

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dazed and confused - my intrusive thoughts aren't violent like yours are, but I know what you mean exactly. It sucks major. I've been working on learning to forgive myself, but a difficult impasse showed up in route to that. I was able to over-come it with time, the guilt anyways. So hang in there and keep looking at it differently. They are thoughts that you cannot control, and are not a part of your behaviour, or even remotely who you are as a person. Much like how we can't blame someone with tourettes syndrome for making a sound you are not to blame for those thoughts.

I started having delusions that people could read my mind and that they were judging me over the intrusive thoughts. Which made it impossible for me to not feel shame. I've been working on giving up those delusions for a few years now but they do not go away no matter how much of any med I have tried. So I live with a lot of shame unless I am healthy enough to realize these things. When I'm healthy I live with a bit of despair over how much effort I wasted having some weird invisible battle with imaginary assholes.

So you're not alone. Try not to let your passing thoughts become definitions for yourself. Remember they are passing thoughts. You won't act on them, obviously. It's not your nature. That's why you remove yourself from people. It's a big mind game. Best wishes brother/sister.

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