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Excessive Thoughts of Past Mistakes


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I am 32 and was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder just over a month ago...I have always struggled with major depression and always knew that something else was going on but did not get my diagnosis until a breakdown after a messy break up.  This last month I have really struggled with constant negative thoughts of my past and past behaviors...I psychoanalyze what my ex is doing with his new girlfriend, I question my choices of sexual partners and turning to alcohol as a crutch, I isolate myself from the people that support me and then beat myself up about the fact that I am doing that. I cannot seem to move past the mistakes and poor choices I have made and because of that I have hit a wall.  I am on a waiting list for a counselor and for group therapy so I'm trying everything else I can to move forward (meditation, reading up on the disorder, writing, etc).  I feel like I am just floating through day to day life...It is hard to explain but I do not feel like I have any identity...I don't know who I really am anymore...I have always kind of just lived in the moment but I find that has intensified lately to the point where I have a hard time connecting to anything or anyone.  I have two children and do my best in our day to day life to give them what they need but I worry that soon this will affect them as well.

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I have BPD too, as well as some other things on my list of issues. I have made ALOT of bad choices and decisions, mainly though the ages of 14-23. My choice in sexual partners were absolutely horrible. I have been engaged 4 times, yet I've never been married. I've cheated on people, broke their hearts, and it came back around to me with people cheating on me and breaking my heart. I tried to escape my past through drugs and alcohol. When I was 16, I drank so much that I got alcohol poisoning. At 18, I was starting to drink pretty heavy and partying alot. By 20, I was a full blown alcoholic. Alcoholic does nothing but temporary make you feel good, with devastating consequences. The last time I drank was January 1st 2013. I realized alcohol was not helping me. I also realized that you can't dwell on the past, because no matter how much you want to, you can not change the past. All you can do is shape your future. I don't think about my negative past anymore because what's done is done, and you gotta move past it if you want to move on. I'm a completely different person now than I was back then. It's hard to explain, but one day maybe in a few years, your going to look back and wonder who that person was. I hope this helped you in any way.

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I freak out and obsess over my past mistakes. Guilt haunts me everyday and I hate it. I wish I could shake it or just let it go. People say "oh what's in the past is in the past" but with BPD it is SOOO difficult to try to think of things that way. I'm struggling so bad with forgiveness of myself and that just leads to more self-loathing.   It's a terrible tornado.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I obsess a lot over past mistakes too, even little things like the time I said 'Harriet Harman' when I meant to talk about 'Natalie Bennett'.  Ugh that one pops up on me every time I read the news and I feel so bad about it, I know everyone present thinks of me as stupid because of it.  All my past mistakes constantly popping into my head.  I think you are right, it is so hard for BPD to let go of the past, probably because emotional reactions are so strong for us, which in turn makes the memories so strong.  I am not sure how to move past this, but I am hoping that medication and maybe therapy will help with this too.

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Yeah, it's hard. It does get a little easier over time, I think. I have yet to stop analyzing my terrible relationship skills (alienated most of my inlaws) but you have to keep trying to forgive yourself. You're not alone.

Also, you're human, so mistakes happen. You're trying your best, and that's the most you can do.

Hang in there until your treatment! You can do it!

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