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So lately I've been feeling pretty down on myself again, not so much how I used to be (filled with self hatred and loathing), now its just I'm so conflicted about how I want to live my life vs how I should. I don't ever want to regret how I lived my life. And I feel as if I go down the road my Mom wants me to go, Im just going to regret it. I've learned its just not me. I'd honestly be poor and happy with my life than be decently off and full of regret. Just to clarify on why this is in this section: I'm not seeking advice as to whether to follow my dreams (Tattoo Artist) or go down the suggested road (Clean Cut army boy in a Suburban home), I'm just so overwhelmed by the impending and crushing feeling of how NOW will affect the rest of my life (which I find is bullshit) and sometimes I think about suicide again. Not because I hate myself, but because I don't want to live on a world that would restrict me of living the way I want. And I understand that, yes, sacrifices are always made, everyone has to grow up, but something about this whole situation has just got me so damn blue. Its not the burning depression my earlier (Admittedly emo) years were, its just that I'm scared that I'm going to wake up as someone I never wanted to be and I'm going to be miserable like my parents are. I can't sleep tonight, its 5am, does anyone else ever get this feeling of helplessness? About life or anything else? 

Ps: my track record of posting topics has shown that I often put things in "ill fitted" categories, so please all I ask is that you politely inform me that this is better suited somewhere else and have a moderator move it. Thank you. I just kind of need to talk this out I suppose and I figured that this board was most fitting for my particular dilemma. 

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I'm sorry you are so conflicted with this. I can kind of relate.

I used to be really conflicted about how I lived my life also ... I don't do a lot ... Go to DR appts, do some errands, watch TV, on computer, sleep (lots).   I go with my parents to visit my sister when they go (not very often).  And I always felt ?guilty when someone asked what I was doing these days, and I didn't have much to say.  I felt kind of embarrassed actually.

But over time I thought how if I did things that other people wanted/expected, or I did what I thought was something others really saw as productive (ie work, volunteer, etc) but that I know I can't do because of the stress level I'd be under ... if I did any of this I wouldn't be happy, I would be stressed, and overall just not in a good place mentally.

So I do what I know I can do.  If my stress level gets anywhere near high, the hallucinations and delusions will come back full force, and I don't want that.  I have them enough as it is.  So I just do what I can.  Fortunately I support from my family.  When I tell others they really don't say much, and I flip the question on them and ask how they are doing/what they are up to.

I hope this helps.

 

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I'm sorry you are so conflicted with this. I can kind of relate.

I used to be really conflicted about how I lived my life also ... I don't do a lot ... Go to DR appts, do some errands, watch TV, on computer, sleep (lots).   I go with my parents to visit my sister when they go (not very often).  And I always felt ?guilty when someone asked what I was doing these days, and I didn't have much to say.  I felt kind of embarrassed actually.

But over time I thought how if I did things that other people wanted/expected, or I did what I thought was something others really saw as productive (ie work, volunteer, etc) but that I know I can't do because of the stress level I'd be under ... if I did any of this I wouldn't be happy, I would be stressed, and overall just not in a good place mentally.

So I do what I know I can do.  If my stress level gets anywhere near high, the hallucinations and delusions will come back full force, and I don't want that.  I have them enough as it is.  So I just do what I can.  Fortunately I support from my family.  When I tell others they really don't say much, and I flip the question on them and ask how they are doing/what they are up to.

I hope this helps.

 

I also spent my last 10 years pretty much in my room, on the computer, running errands for my mom, watching little TV, going to Dr.s appointment. I also try to sleep 12 hours a day.

It is strange that I don't have the burden to work anymore but life is still difficult even without a job. I get decent income from SSDI.

I don't know if it's the mental illness that's causing everything to be stressful or the meds. I have difficulties taking a shower every day. I hate waking up 10 times in the middle of the night to drink water.

I consider myself very ill and disabled. About 2 semesters ago, I took 1 simple college class but I had to drop it the next day. I tried looking for euthanasia but I don't qualify. My mind is very slow now a days.

I already accomplished my childhood dream. It was to have the time to play unlimited video games and watch movies all day every day. I do have fun and enjoy being on the internet and reading stuff.

When someone asks me "What are u doing these days?" I think it's best to say "Not much."

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I'm going to give you the advice that I wish somebody had given me. Usually, people have a couple or several interests or passions (for some people that takes a year or two of college to find out). Choose the interest that is likely to have the greatest odds of getting a decent job after training/school/college/university, and then follow that interest with a passion. But make sure that it is YOUR interest, your passion, that you are following. Not following your passion will lead to disappointment and depression.

I actually did follow my passion. The problem was that I followed the wrong one, and I ended up in a field without too many job prospects. You don't want to do that. Find a passion that leads to a good job.

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