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I have no reason to be alive. I have nothing to look forward to. I have no hope of any kind of happiness or satisfaction. I have no desire to do anything. Everything is too fucking pointless. I have no friends. I have no idea what it's like to have a friend. I'm too lazy to succeed in my work. I don't care. I'm tired of the coldness of everything. I am desperately in love with a man who hates me and is three thousand miles away anyway. I cry every day and no one knows or cares. I haven't taken trash out for weeks, haven't done laundry for months. I eat junk if at all, I don't take care of myself, I don't even brush my teeth on days I don't go out. I'll probably die early and in pain anyway (I also smoke and have no plans to give up). Life is not for me. I have never felt at home anywhere. There is no place for me in the world. I'm still too afraid to kill myself. So I will continue living like a zombie. And no one fucking cares.

And I don't know why the fuck I'm even writing this. I know all the possible responses. None of them can help.

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Are you on medication?

Can you talk to your tdoc or pdoc about any of this? (Assuming you have one.) Do you have any family that you could talk to?

It sucks balls when you get to that "why bother" point. I know that feeling. You might've posted because you know that many of us have had "that" feeling. We've walked in your shoes, and we're still posting. Sometimes it's easier to get things out to a bunch of strangers than it is to "real life" people.

But there are all sorts of resources out there, just waiting for you to call or go to them. There are crisis centers and hotlines, and hospitals, just to mention a couple. (I think there's a stationary post somewhere here on the boards that even have websites with more information?) Have you tried the chatroom? And of course posting here can get you some really helpful feedback.

If your life sucks as much as you say it does, why not at least give something (hospital, phoneline, etc) a try. If it's as bad as you say it is, can it get worse? It's always darkest before the storm (ok, so I know that's not quite how that saying goes, but near enough), and it sounds like you're in the eye of it. Maybe giving one of these places a try could get you past that storm?

And for what it's worth. I care, or else I wouldn't have responded. So many people have reached out for me when I needed it desperately. I only hope that I was able to help in the tiniest bit, or at least know that you're not alone.

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I have no reason to be alive. I have nothing to look forward to. I have no hope of any kind of happiness or satisfaction. I have no desire to do anything. Everything is too fucking pointless. I have no friends. I have no idea what it's like to have a friend. I'm too lazy to succeed in my work. I don't care. I'm tired of the coldness of everything. I am desperately in love with a man who hates me and is three thousand miles away anyway. I cry every day and no one knows or cares. I haven't taken trash out for weeks, haven't done laundry for months. I eat junk if at all, I don't take care of myself, I don't even brush my teeth on days I don't go out. I'll probably die early and in pain anyway (I also smoke and have no plans to give up). Life is not for me. I have never felt at home anywhere. There is no place for me in the world. I'm still too afraid to kill myself. So I will continue living like a zombie. And no one fucking cares.

And I don't know why the fuck I'm even writing this. I know all the possible responses. None of them can help.

Space -

Are you taking your meds?  If so, it sounds like they're not working for you.  Your post is classic depression-speak, so you need to know that it's the disease talking, and not your stable mind.  Many of the statements you accept as fact rely on information that you don't have and can't get

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Thanks for the nice responses, but I'm kind of sorry I made the post. It's just useless whining. I know everything you've told me. And it's really not that bad. Just... pointless.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Yeah. I'm sitting here, not in the shitter quite as deep as you seem to be, though I've been there--as I'm sure you've been there before. My disorder spirals, and it seems bottomless, which is why I guess we need Cerberus around to be our trusted Inkeeper.

It's a long way up from the bottom of the bottomless pit.

I'm glad to hear from you, as I've always had an appreciation for the "what are you listening to now" thread you started.

I don't hear whining at all. I hear very raw pain. Very huge difference.

Personal hygiene is overrated.

S

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Hey Space~

I don't think I have anything helpful to say, but I want you to know that I'm here and I'm listening.

I moved into this apartment right before Halloween, and I still haven't finished unpacking.  There is crap all over my desk.  I love showers and clean clothes too much to give them up, but I am very messy.  I need to vacuum, but my vacuum cleaner has died.  *sigh*

Love,

CS

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Space,

Your writing uses the same phrases and echoes the same feelings we have all had when we're in the pit.  Any one of us could have written that. 

Please allow us to give you the dignity of acknowledging your pain from the standpoint of actually knowing what you are going through. 

It always meant more to me to have acknowledgement from people who understood, rather than lollipop talk and weasel words from civilians.

What meds are you taking? 

This trip, after four months of failed combinations, it was Cymbalta and Wellbutrin that did it for me.  Along with Concerta to keep me awake at work on those days that I have to sit at a desk.  Works like a charm.  I used to fall asleep in meetings - honest to God.  Now, same meetings, no sleepies.  Prai - ze Jay-zus for Concerta!

Oh.  I'm officially in remission.  But - I still don't take out my garbage, do my laundry or clean up my clutter.  Too busy sitting and enjoying watching the dog sleep and enjoying not feeling the blackness choke the life out of me. 

Activities, a social life, a clean apartment, and too many clean clothes to choose from are causes of stress and to be avoided.

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