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***TRIGGER WARNING - Food, body image***

 

 

 

I am supposed to be a bride's maid and now I want to back out of the wedding. My friend since 3rd grade is getting married. I keep ignoring her messages to hang out. I bought a dress a few months back and if it doesn't fit, I'm screwed. I eat from the time I get up to the time I sleep. I can't stop eating. I have even hidden food in my closet now. I don't know what to do. I hate myself for it. Every time I wake up is a trigger. Being in a dress is even more of a trigger. I can't keep worrying about trying to fit into my dress in November for the wedding. I hate weddings anyways. I don't know what to say to my friend. I don't have energy to help her with her wedding. I don't even care how she would feel if I backed out of her wedding, but I must be nice. How do I go about backing out of it? 

 

I also want to quit college. At this point, I can no longer even sit through a movie. Now that is bad. My mom will be so angry at me, but untreated ADHD and college are one of the worst mixes possible. I have lost interest in school now and I am supposed to start in less than a week! I will fail if I try to go back to school. Trying to sit through something and failing to do so makes me need to punish myself for it and if I go to school, I will have to punish myself after each and every class. What can I say to get out of going to school?

 

I also want to ditch all my friends, leave them behind with no words left, no regret. I must get rid of all methods for them to contact me. 

 

I want to sell almost everything I have, even my most prized possessions. 

 

I want to sell my horse that my mom and I bought for me this year. I have no energy or motivation to deal with caring for her and training her. I do care for her still but I don't want to anymore. I want her to be sold. I feel nothing nothing but tired. I have no emotions from seeing her but regret. How do I tell my mom this? 

 

These are major changes, but they must be done. 

Even the internet is not interesting anymore. I have no feelings left for life anymore. I want out, but no worries, I have no plans. 

 

 

Edited by InfiniteInsanity
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You sound really stressed out.  About the wedding ... I backed out of my sister's wedding a month before it was happening.  It was just enough time for them to change the names on the things you get when you walk in that says who is the maid-of-honor etc (I forget the name of it).  Long story short, it was very stressful for a few reasons, and I just couldn't do it. 

Everyone was pissed, my sister was upset, but in the end I just couldn't do it and I am pretty sure I made the right choice.  The stress was getting to me, I wasn't eating (was anorexic back then ... 2000), and everything else.  My mother understood.  My father didn't.  But now, everything has passed and there are no hard feelings.  It took about 8 or 9 years for that to happen, but it did happen.  So do what you need to do to help yourself, IMO.  If backing out of the wedding is going to help you, then I would do it, personally.  But that is me.

Maybe if you do just that one thing, the college won't feel so hard to deal with? 

Also, do you see a pdoc so your ADHD can be treated?

(I have to sign off now but will be back later on to write more if I can).

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Thank you for your reply. It sounds like the wedding you were going to go to was very stressful. It also sounds like you made the right choice. You were very brave to be able to say no to such a huge event. That takes a lot of courage. 

The doctor won't treat my ADHD until my "psychosis" is under control. He said he would give me the ADHD meds after I am better, but he changes his mind like the wind, so I don't trust that. I don't like the options he has given me to treat it. I lactated with risperdal and he wants to give me invega which is closely related to risperdal. Invega will make me lactate too. The haldol mixed with seroquel is the same as just seroquel. Either way, I sleep most of the day. I sleep about 17 hours a day. 

College will be too much since I can barely even get out of bed. I am having a horribly difficult time staying awake during the mornings, afternoons, and evenings. Getting up triggers me and makes me feel worse. I have no passion to learn anymore and that is pretty bad. I would have to get up early and drive almost an hour there. Even taking a shower is too much effort now. 

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Have you brought all this up with your pdoc?  What does your pdoc consider "better" ... when he will treat the ADHD?  It sounds like the beginning of depression to me (apathy, not wanting to shower, sleeping a lot, etc).  I hope you start to feel better soon. 

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I brought it up with him and his idea was to lock me up in the psych ward. I said NO. I really hate his med options. Antipsychotics can help the positive symptoms, but they even worsen my negative symptoms. He thinks the antipsychotics will help with my negative symptoms. I am beginning to have really bad thoughts. 

Basically when I am brainwashed by the government, when I start to watch TV shows like Jersey Shore and Honey Boo Boo, when I start to listen to pop music on the radio, then he will be happy. Also, when they dumb my intelligence down and become very submissive. 

I can't let them give me medicine that will do that to me. I can't stand a lot of TV shows or the radio. He is part of a program to try to force me to like that stuff. 

He needs to help my negative symptoms. 

My quality of life is completely gone. I made a post on craigslist to sell my soul. 

Edited by InfiniteInsanity
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I think it is your MI talking. If you felt better I bet you wouldn't want to give up on all of those great things in your life. You are lucky to have such good things and to be so fortunate. Don't give them up! Keep fighting!! Get a good pdoc that will listen to you if that is what it takes.

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I agree that you should seek out another pdoc that treats you with respect.  I know what its like to be sleepy all the time and it really sucks the life out of you.

Could you talk with your friend about the wedding and tell her your concerns?  I'm sure she would be understanding that you're having a hard time and, perhaps, the two of you could come up with some solutions.

If you feel like college is too much for you right now, could you cut the number of classes you'll be taking?  You can always pick up hours later.

Is there someone where you keep your horse that could help you with the grooming and care?  I think its probably therapeutic to care for your horse, but if you need extra help there's no shame in that.

Don't ditch your friends.  There may be one or two (or more) that would be very understanding about the situation you're in and could be valuable support.

Do you see a therapist?

Edited by Phoenix_Rising
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Thank you guys so much. I will try to see if I can find a better pdoc, one that will help me out. 

Today, I didn't even make it through my group therapies. When I left, I felt like sobbing, but only two tears got out. I can't even really cry anymore. I immediately halt. I think it is some kind of defense mechanism, to feel apathetic. If I can't sit through my classes, I will just punish myself. 

My friend is not even putting any pressure on me about the wedding, but she has been asking to hang out and I just can't. ;( I will try talking to her. 

My mom helps with barn chores. She technically owns the horses. She feeds in the morning and I do stalls in the evening and we both feed in the evening. 

I see a therapist at my day program but I am so upset with her that every time I see her, I cuss her out and make threats against myself. I know it is childish, but I am feeling cornered, trapped and I lash out when this happens. She has been wanting to send me to the hospital, but this week she saw me in group and she didn't check on me. I can't blame here though, since I am hard to deal with. 

I don't know. Part of me wants to go to the hospital to get help because I am having really bad thoughts and I need help. I threw out most of my medicine a couple months ago because I thought it was government poison. I am on just enough seroquel to sleep. I asked the pdoc about going back on the other meds and he won't let me until the psychosis is better. I don't like his med options, so he just left me with the seroquel. He could have at least given me my lithium. I get suicidal without my lithium. The hospital knows that and if my pdoc read the stuff from the hospital, he would know that. I need my lithium so badly and he won't even give that back yet. ;( I have really gotten myself into a pickle. The other part of me does not want to go to the hospital. I am lost on what to do. 

I am afraid of government- released robot mosquitos, so now it is hard to go outside, because it is so hot out. 

I am just scared, and tired right now. 

 

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He smiled evilly. He wants me to get a certain medicine that I don't want, so, that is one reason I am avoiding the hospital. He wants me locked up. 

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