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I've just recently finally accepted the fact that I am crazy. I very recently suffered a psychotic break, and I did some amazing and hilarious and really bad, like really, really bad. I basically packed up all of my stuff and told my husband that I was leaving him, which I didn't end up doing, and I shaved a part of my head. It made perfect sense at the time, but in retrospect, what I did made absolutely no sense, and was quite embarrassing and crazy. I have been slowly declining into madness, and the voices just will not shut up as long as I'm not acting impulsive and trying to ruin my life. They're always there, telling me how worthless and miserable I am. Today I lost some time, even. I'm terrified, I feel like a burden, and I feel confused. Lost, lonely. I don't have any interest in anything anymore, I kind of just want to physically touch something. It's like I don't want to feel anything emotionally anymore, I just want to go through the motions. I've tried to research coping mechanisms, to figure out how to help myself, but with no definitive answers. I always feel like everyone around me is out to get me, like they all have a secret agenda and they're waiting to screw me over. It makes it impossible to make or keep friends, and i've just about given up trying. I used to feel and hear things around me, and sometimes I get the feeling I'm being watched, but until now I always thought it was ghosts, but now I'm even questioning that. :( any advice would be appreciated, I guess I can just hope someone understands.

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This sounds like a really hard time for you and I'm sorry you've been feeling humiliation as a result of your suffering. If it's any help, the worst memories can somehow become quite funny within your inside circles many years down the track (my husband and I occasionally have a good laugh about some of my stranger behaviours in the past).

As for psychosis. My first reaction to psychosis symptoms when meds aren't handling them enough is to put headphones on and listen to music very loudly non-stop. It's a distraction from the mind and for me, it can sometimes prevent the building up and worsening of symptoms. I also report it asap to my psychologist (she works alongside my pdoc so calling one reaches them both).

If your relationship is a good one, hang on to it. Having companionship and patience from a loving partner can make this struggle easier to cope with.

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Thank you both for the support. I used to have a therapist but as of late I have found myself without insurance, and in turn without a doctor. I do want to correct that soon, but life isn't always that easy unfortunately. I have so far been skeptical of medication, as my husband is strongly anti-drugs, but I am definitely considering it after this episode, which is by far the worst I have ever had. I spent a long time denying my illness, and it's disorienting to finally realize that my brain works differently from other people's. My husband is a wonderful man, though we do have our own issues. I'm chronically insecure and a very physical individual, both of which he is not, and I struggle with that sometimes. I probably should appreciate him a lot more then I have, being as he has known for a very long time that I'm a bit odd and still doing what he can to take care of me, but the one thing I cannot seem to get past is that I want to protect him from myself. Not like I would ever hurt anybody, I wouldn't even be able to, but more like maybe my crazy is contagious, that's probably not right either, but the words aren't coming to me...

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His mother has been put on several different medications, and because she drilled it into his head at a young age that all medications are bad because of her own aversions, he is now skeptical of them. He prefers me not to take them unless it is absolutely necessary. 

Edited by LittleKittyMine
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Maybe he needs to talk with a doctor with you so they can explain the leaps and bounds treatment has made since that time. My husband's mother was freaking out over my treatment when she first learned about it because she worked on a mental health ward in the early 70's and saw some nasty stuff at the time. She just assumed, for some reason, that things hadn't changed. 

I know you love him, but you need to do what will bring you wellness. This might mean standing up to his misconceptions and calling him out on them. He's concerned for you and doesn't want for you what his mother had, but he doesn't realise it's harming your prospects for recovery. Discussing this with him and doctor at the same time might make things easier than if you were to do it alone, though.

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Discussing this with him and doctor at the same time might make things easier than if you were to do it alone, though.

I totally agree.  I'd bring your husband to one (or more) of your appts so the DR can help him understand why you need the medication, and to answer his questions he has about anything.

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He sure would and you'd also feel more comfortable discussing meds with hubby and doc in the same room.  ----You need medication and there's noway around that.  On another note--I'd love to see what you've done w/your hair can you post pics of it I wonder.---I'm glad you have right forum to refer to when troubles arises.--

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The way it happened was unfortunate, but I do like the way it turned out.

That's cute!

I remember one time I tried to dye my hair with henna over an older, normal, dye job and my hair turned bright mango orange by accident. Horrified, I then tried to dye over it with a blonde kit. My roots had been showing and I have light blonde hair naturally. The kit I used caused the exposed roots to become bright white and the mango colour was impossible to dye over and stayed the same. It was very striking. I got so many compliments on it and a lot of people asking how I did it with hopes of doing it too. I couldn't help them as it was just a lucky disaster. I kept it until it grew out enough be cut.

note to anyone: Avoid henna if you ever plan to dye your hair with any intention of dying over it again at some point. 

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A friend of my mother's had auburn hair when she was younger, she said she used henna to bring the red out even more. If you just want to enhance red hair or dyed red hair, and you have no intention of going back to your old colour or trying a new one, henna can look lovely when used for hair dye. I just got stuck with it at a time when I loved changing my hair colour at the slightest whim.


Since you're curious, here's a pick of that mango dye job I found lurking on my comp. I was smiling with an orange slice in my mouth so I look pretty dumb. You get the idea though. This was taken 18 years ago... long live the 90's.

 orangepeel.thumb.jpg.3ab6ee8e5181efc8a44

*edit on the years... math fart

Edited by saintalto
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