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relapsing already


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hi everyone.

i am relapsing already i want to hurt myself i want to cut and i have been making myself vomit. Hell i barely lasted 24hrs without replapsing. i just want to cry but dont have the energry or the tears left to cry today.

i keep looking at my wrist they are so more skinny and small compared to the rest of my body and i think of how easy it would b to just slit them and let myself go. i feel trapped i feel horrible.

its like nothing helps and time isnt healing any of my wounds.

i got my dx in hospital and am so confused about this borderline stuff. i dont know what to do i am confused and feeling so alone.

i want to eat, but i dont, i want to cut, but i dont, i want to die, but i dont. i dont know anything about anything anymore.

my pain goes deeper then simple CBT therapy can help. i feel when i am getting CBT its like they are talking to me like i am an idiot. i am not an IDIOT far from it, i have a high IQ its my emotional IQ which is so low.

what else can i do???

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ok babe, slow down there.

borderline is a shithouse label and nothing more. it says precisely jack about who you are, why you're unhappy, and what to do about it. all it says to me is that you've been fucked over by people who should have looked after you, and now you're stuck trying to figure out how to feel. full stop. it says to me that you're vulnerable, you're confused and you could do with a hug.

cbt is in my opinion a waste of time unless you're in the time and place in your life to do it properly. don't do it if it makes you angry, if it makes you want to hurt yourself, because then it's just counterproductive. you seem tired and worn out and depressed. take a load off. lie on the couch. it's ok. we understand.

i say this a lot. don't try to cure. learn to manage instead. the self-harm is just a symptom of something else. i don't see it as bad, as revolting, as self-indulgent. i see it as a way for a broken soul to cope with a crappy life. i have self-harmed many times as a way of preventing myself from committing suicide. guess why i'm still alive today?

there will come a point where things will start to make sense. it took me a lot of self-reflection, a lot of painful decisions, and a lot of balls to realise that my mind would take down my body if i kept fighting it. these days, all i want to do is stay alive. if that means self-harming, then i'm going to do it. if it means taking my drugs every day, then i'm going to do it. if it means accepting myself as a mentally flawed and ill person, then i'm going to do it.

don't try to fight it honey. just sit back and let your life happen, because if you try too hard, there might not be any life at all.

pm me if you need to.

stinky

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Does your hospital have a day program? That's what helped me transition from inpatient care to regular life "on the outside." From the way your post sounds, I think you could do with a bit more medical intervention. If there's no day hospital program, going back inpatient wouldn't be unreasonable. If you went to the hospital and had an operation, and then when you got home, your stitches burst open and you had a gaping wound, what would you do? You'd go back! Just because your problems are invisible, doesn't mean that they are any less real or devastating.

If the way they talk to you is not helpful, you've got to let them know that. You are your own best  indicator for what kind of treatment you need! I think it would be really hard to tell someone that they were talking down to me. I think I would try writing them a note about it. *shrugs* That may just be me though. Either way, you need to interact with the people who are trying to help you. If something doesn't work, you have to tell them that. If something is helpful, they ought to know.

Please help your doctors help you! You deserve to get better! I'm thinking of you, and so are many others here. We're cheering you on and sending you good wishes. Hang in there!

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Iona,

Serrageorge had an excellent example with the surgical analogy.

Going from being completely protected and enclosed in the hospital.  Where everything is taken care of and your attention is directed and focused, to being home again can be very tough.

Suddenly you are back home with all the old memories feeling as if you are all alone. But that isn't true.

Call your Pdoc and let him know you are falling hard.  In the mean time, go be with a friend, family, wherever you feel safe. If things get too bad to the emergency room, just don't hurt yourself.  Do what it takes to keep yourself safe.  Try to remember some of the coping skills that you learned in hospital.

Be safe,

A.M.

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hi everyone.

i am relapsing already i want to hurt myself i want to cut and i have been making myself vomit. Hell i barely lasted 24hrs without replapsing. i just want to cry but dont have the energry or the tears left to cry today.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Iona,

Please call your pdoc!!  You are strong and you can recover, but right now, you need more help.  I think Serra's advice to call and inquire about day treatment options is very good and would be helpful to you.  Hugs to you, stay well...

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I agree Iona, you need to get in touch with your pdoc ASAP. It can be really hard making that transition back to "normal" life - I was hospitalized for only 3 days (!) and it was still really surreal, getting in the car and driving away. It is easy to feel hopeless and alone and vulnerable at first. But please know you are NOT alone, and there is indeed hope...your problems don't disappear just because you spent some time in hospital. The time you spent there is supposed to help you gain coping skills and the medical intervention you need to keep on fighting "outside" the hospital. If you just don't have that yet, then you may need to get some more help...I know you don't want to go back, hon, but you have to do what you need to for your own health. So please don't close your mind to the idea, or view it as some sort of failing if you do end up needing to go back at some point, but call your pdoc and talk over what you are going through. And if you just can't wait that long and are thinking of hurting yourself, then go to the ER and have THEM get in touch with him.

Borderline, I agree 100 times, is just a label. It's a way of putting a name on some of the stuff you're going through, but it is not YOU. You are still the same person you were before the dx, the dx just gives you the power to name what is going on and learn more about it, and helps the people treating you, too, to understand what is going on. And I don't believe any one dx will magically explain away all of anybody's "issues." Or even a multitude of dxes...because we're PEOPLE, not labels, not words. You don't need to understand everything about it right away, just take your time, and learn as you are ready to learn.

It is a lot to get hit over the head with at once! When I was dxed with bipolar, I knew nothing but stereotypes about it. It tooks MONTHS before I finally felt comfortable enough to do more than just post the occasional question about it here on the board. I got a book or two right away on the subject but couldn't bring myself to read them. Only now- about 9 months or so after being dxed- am I really ready to start absorbing what the bipolar thing is all about. And the knowledge has helped me a great deal already. But there was no way I could have taken in it at the time of my diagnosis! Please don't feel like you have to be able to put it all together right now...this is the healing process of a lifetime. It will take time and you have to take it at your own pace. Right now it feels like too much to grasp, but I promise you, the time will come when you will feel better able to cope with it.

For now, you need to take care of yourself, and get whatever help you need so you can get to that point. It is NOT a weakness or a shortcoming to need more help than what you've already gotten. Far from it- it is real courage when you can reach out for the help you need, for as long as you need it. And I know you have that in you, Iona, or you would not have agreed to go to the hospital in the first place. Please don't give up.

~Faith

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i am a mess i do not know what is screwing up, but something isnt right (my mind, the meds, my environment, the silly season)

all i can describe it as is a roller coaster of one minute feeling fine, the next i am loathing myself.

i go from stable to lost in seconds.

i am starting to wonder how close u come to "thinking" about suicide to actually "attempting" it. i wonder what will break my back bone.

i dont want to call my shrink as it is now well into christmas eve.

but instead i will go to bed and try and cry myself to sleep. if i can find some tears to cry.

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