Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Recommended Posts

Has anyone here ever stumbled on an old journal or object from when you were deeply psychotic? Something that you recall, at the time, to have been completely normal? Were you blown away by your own testament of psychosis?

The other day I found this journal of mine that was written during serious psychotic episode and wow... just wow. It makes no sense. At all. I have half sentences broken up by new ones and diagrams for god knows what. I am going on and on about "sentience at the atomic level" and how I'm allowing myself to be possessed by particles to do great things for the universe. Funny how when you become an atheist, the religious element of delusions turns into some screwy version of "science". Back when I was first diagnosed it used to be all about reincarnation and Saints.

Anyway, It's an old journal, so i comfortably can laugh at it, but still... How could I have been like that and not thought, even for a moment, atoms? Possession by said atoms? Pieces of being encased in particles? Come off it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes.

I used to keep many journals for myself. From poetry, philosophy, to managing my finances (which at the time was more like can I survive for another week). I had my first psychotic break at around 18-19. I filled a spiral bound with symbols and ideas. I found this notebook years later, maybe two years ago. I tried to decypher any of it. It was a nightmare. I used to be able to read it fluently but it was pretty much a different language... I too used a lot of diagrams and shapes. It was like words couldn't translate what I was thinking and only abstract geometric shapes were the only mechanism.

I was working on weird ideas. Like the creation of the universe, infinite (what does it mean really...), etc. Metaphysics. Whatever. Big problems in science/spirituality. It's interesting I ended up choosing a natural science for a career path.

I burned these note-books and all of the poetry from that era. As part of a ritual I guess. I cried really hard reading the philosophy/theory one. It was really hard to remember that I was there.  Just happy to be on the other side now.

Anyways I can relate. It's interesting both of our "crazy" journals involved theory's bordering on science. Stay well

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I burned these note-books and all of the poetry from that era. As part of a ritual I guess. I cried really hard reading the philosophy/theory one. It was really hard to remember that I was there.  Just happy to be on the other side now.

Anyways I can relate. It's interesting both of our "crazy" journals involved theory's bordering on science. Stay well

I wasn't as emotional about my journal so I had a pretty good time going through it. What was decipherable (from earlier entries) would actually have been kinda neat if it were in the context of a science fiction story.

It's probably good you burned everything if it disturbed you so much. I decided to keep mine since it doesn't upset me. If I ever start showing similar tendencies in new writing, I have a comparison I can make to check myself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Not like that, but I have had behaviors that looking back seem odd. I didn't think anything of them until recently.

I used to go to work and go home and stay inside. I would stay in all weekend and peek to make sure no one was there before going out.  I would accuse my boss of having "secret" meetings if they were on my day off, I am sure there were more.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes. Totally.  If I listen/hear certain songs, I slip back into the days when I was psychotic and off meds.  The people start to talk to me through music again.  Most of the delusions come back, and I hear voices a lot again.  But as I think about some of the delusions, it is hard for me to believe I actually thought some of them.  And acted on them.  It is kind of embarrassing, some of the things I thought and acted on, and am glad I never told anyone most of them. 

I don't have an actual journal, but the music serves as my journal (but it is all locked in my head), because when it is turned on to specific songs, it is like a light switch flips on and all of a sudden I am back in the world I used to be in.  When the music is off I forget all about it (for the most part).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've never kept a journal but I do remember when I was at university I used to send long rambling emails to my lecturers accusing them of conspiring against me to fail me. I've deleted those emails but I shudder to think what I went on about in them. I've also been reminded by a friend about things I used to do - such as voices having  a conversation with me through the TV even though the TV wasn't turned on at the time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes! I used to keep paper journals and for the life of me I'd get so into it so intense about subjects that now I have really no interest in pursuing. I still believe in some of the things I wrote though even though some may say they are delusions. Oh and I thought that what I was writing was brilliant and was going to be published. Well that never happened. 

I remember one where I was writing in a room with no light on and just rambling for pages upon pages. Normally I wouldn't do something like that. I don't know what came over me.

Edited by Wonderful.Cheese
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Omg, yes...I started a journal when I was becoming psychotic, and I wrote 22-26 (I can't remember the exact number) pages before I was finally hospitalized. I had jumbled up sentences, rambling/run-on sentences, short, random phrases and odd delusions written down. It was like I was possessed. Before I became extremely psychotic, I would also have blips of normalcy where I wrote about my day, etc...when I became really psychotic though, all I wrote about were my delusions.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would also have blips of normalcy where I wrote about my day, etc...when I became really psychotic though, all I wrote about were my delusions.

Yeah, its's funny to see brief moments of coherence here and there intermixed with all the nuts.

Yes! I used to keep paper journals and for the life of me I'd get so into it so intense about subjects that now I have really no interest in pursuing. I still believe in some of the things I wrote though even though some may say they are delusions. Oh and I thought that what I was writing was brilliant and was going to be published. Well that never happened. 

I know about the subjects that you usually wouldn't pursue. I'm in love with medical history, but I was going on and on about bizarre twisted versions of physics concepts. I also thought it was utterly brilliant too and I remember showing this stupid book to so many people telling them I wanted it to be published and used as a part of my thesis. Oh dear god I'm glad I didn't submit it. So so glad. lol

I've never kept a journal but I do remember when I was at university I used to send long rambling emails to my lecturers accusing them of conspiring against me to fail me. I've deleted those emails but I shudder to think what I went on about in them. I've also been reminded by a friend about things I used to do - such as voices having  a conversation with me through the TV even though the TV wasn't turned on at the time.

So many lecturers, so many emails. I'm glad I don't remember any of it.

Yes. Totally.  If I listen/hear certain songs, I slip back into the days when I was psychotic and off meds. 

Music is very important to me when I'm delusional. It's like a soundtrack for delusions. Eggs me on. I would write so fast and intensely when I listened to music.

I used to go to work and go home and stay inside. I would stay in all weekend and peek to make sure no one was there before going out. 

Before I married I used to keep bizarre hours to avoid other people completely. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes , as a matter of fact , I was just reading some of them, they are philosophical and funny . I was Miss know it all , and I wanted to save the world . I have dozens of notebooks where I just copied pholosophical quotes , it is something I do to calm myself now as well , google images wisdom quotes  was mainly what I wrote, then I would rewrite them , It was helpful to me when I did it and I still do it . 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I just copied pholosophical quotes , it is something I do to calm myself now as well , google images wisdom quotes  was mainly what I wrote, then I would rewrite them , It was helpful to me when I did it and I still do it . 

Wow, I would do something similar. I would write down whole block of dialogue from movies, or copy pages and pages of text from books that were secretly written in the past for me personally and now I had come along and found their messages.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...