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I'm new here but in desperate need of advice asap!

(If this is in the wrong spot can someone please help me to where I should move this?)

 

 I'm not sure I been properly diagnosed as no doc seems to listen to me but because I talk fast (and that's any time I go into public) They assume I'm manic and Bi polar and ignore that I'm anxious. Though threw out childhood it seems more like borderline personality to me and if there was bi polar its being pushed under by my constant moods swings which happen all day long from depressed to angry to whatever.

I digress I'm losing all hope in finding help! I tried anti depressants and they either made derealization worse OR made me amped up for the first few weeks, So we tried anti psychotics and almost all I tried so far gave me horrible side effect and made my anxiety EXTREMELY worse. So far benzopines mainly Valium but ativan can help (xanax and klonopin is a NO) Have been  keeping all well when it comes to vertigo and my vision and sound misperceptions even mellowed my mood and so on... Until years on them I got worse with now what appears like MS symptoms (probably arnt tho) SO with the new MS like symptoms I became both depressed and angry and wanted to stop my tremor so I decided to get serious about taking a mood stabilizer. (Meanwhile my P Doc is making sure my MS are not psychological but physical who knows) 

Onto mood medicines first one I ever tried was Depakote ER and OMG for the first time a medicine other then benzos made me feel calm and within 30 mins to a hour after taking 150mg (odd probably) By the second day I felt depressed but didn't care cause I felt like things were gonna look up! By the third day I decided to take it at night like I'm suppose to and sadly an hour after when I went to bed I had a very odd experience. To me it felt like sleep  paralysis and as if I was unable to wake and all I could hear was indistinct talking as if in a crowded mall and I fought hard to move or get up. However my husband said I wasn't stuck asleep I was asking for thing and feeding the baby and just complaining to him I was hearing voices. (not how I remember it) (at that time I was taken off my Valium and put on Klonopin which makes me angry and hyper)

So I was back on valium until I saw a new Doc. The most bothersome symptoms besides my anger/depression was the feeling I been having as if warm waters running all down my head, sweating cold hand and feet, nausea and gasterial upset, internal tremors (that sometimes become full body ones), tongue chewing( (at one point id chew it til it bleed but couldnt stop the compulsion), ridged muscles and locking, nerve pain and sometimes small random body jerks (which lastime got to the point my foot would bleed) During this I get brain fog, some memory laps or disorientation and bad derealization  which leaves me drained and needing to sleep afterwards.

So fast forward new psych decided to try Trileptal with the valium (valium  5 mg 3 times a day which sucks cause last June I use to be on 30mgs but Docs are starting to not want to prescribe it) The trileptal was only 150mg yet again instant breaks on my "MS" like symptoms or whatever those symptoms are but god UNGODLY anxiety after the does and upon waking up today. I find It odd these mood stabilizers seem to stop the symptoms I said above almost instanly (within one dosing) But it seems to wreak havoc on my mind/moods.

I feel at a loss I wan't to try the Depakote again because I actually didn't feel that much need for the valium on it but I'm afraid cause no Doc can explain why that happened and if It was something I should have seen would pass they just freaked out with me. The trileptal  was WONDERS for all those symptoms but I had to take MORE valium to calm down as I freaked out the whole time I was on it and even in the morning I was panicking and very nauseous and faint feeling and I can't up my dose as I think the doctors hope to take me off it.

Basically I was wondering if anyone can relate? Or tell me what it sounds like to them (My new psych don't really have much time to listen to me and my P DOc don't know much about psychiatry and wont write me a neurologist referral yet) Is there any mood stabilizer anyone thinks may help? I fond it odd after one dose of depakote or trileptal my hands don't sweat I don't shake and my head doesn't feel wet e.c.t 

Thanks for any repose! I know the grammar and spelling and phrasing may be messy but I'm in a rush as theses feelings have been making me feel as though Id have to end my life for relief but I been trying to keep hope ) They been going on since 2013 and have gotten worse over time.....

I'll try to add some info on  me in my profile if I can.

 

 

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Lithium has been a godsend to me, but you really need to talk to your pdoc if you are having issues with medications. If you don't trust your doc, maybe you need to find a new one because at some point you have to start really taking on their opinions. You don't always have to agree, you can bring your opinion to the table, discuss it, but in the end, these are highly trained people (12 years of schooling alone) with years of experience treating many patients besides yourself. they actually do know what they are talking about most of the time.

There are duds, I had some really awful doctors over the years, but most are decent people and they are there to help you. The reason they can come off sometimes as critical and might disagree with you is because they are experienced medical specialists. Their knowledge is extensive and steeped in experience. They are trying to do their job to help you and their criticism can be necessary, especially if you aren't in a stable state.

Also there is no miracle drug that does the job perfectly without any side effects. Side effects, if they are not serious and life threatening, are something you learn to live with. I've had to accept this and I consider tolerable side effects, which might not seem tolerable when you first start taking them, worth the sanity they can give back.

I really wish you luck, and I hope this didn't come off as too harsh. I'm simply trying to be honest. I actually work alongside a lot of doctors, particularly specialists, at the medical museum I volunteer at and they blow me away. They are astoundingly intelligent and I never get over how much information they manage to hold in their brain and can bring out at the slightest need. It really gave me an extra level of respect for their abilities.

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@saintalto Sadly I been threw many DOc's I havn't found not one yet to listen to me it's either my insurance being crap or the ones around me are just uneducated. this is my 3rd psychiatrist since last October. I left the one in October because he never listened and didn't believe meds had side effects and when he made a taper plan (so I could come off benzos when pregnate) He would change what he said and just cut me off and then go back cause he forgot what he said at his last appointment. If I held between my eyes from a headache he'd keep saying stop picking your face from anxiety.... I said look my face has no marks I'm not picking it I have a headache and he'd ignore me and go on about how I'm picking my face from anxiety and me and my husband were like wtf?

The second psychiatrist treated me like a child and when I had that Depakote issue I was also switched to Klonopin which makes me more aggressive and hyper oddly  Klonopin and Xanax are the only benzos with noticeable side effects for me that are bad. When I told him about the Klonopin he said then ALL benzos would effect you that way  that it's impossible for Valium to not give me side effects like the Klonopin did cause it's the same thing (though I was on  Valium for years) And when I told him about the one night on Depakote (I was just hoping he could tell me if it was something I could ride out or not since i really liked the Depakote and it only happened once even now I want to try it again but have no explanation as to what happened and the way docs acted about it has me thinking it was really bad?) Instead he said no to ALL mood stabilizers and tried antipsychotics again which make my locking and tremors worse and cause more anxiety. Also he said benzo withdrawal isn't real (I almost died of shock) and the one before said withdrawal is over in 3 days and the psychological part in a week :/ Which isn't true at all.

Now I'm seeing this guy (and I can't do much looking anymore I ran almost all places dry) THing with this guy is he asks about what you were [ast diagnosed with and goes off that. I didn't get to tell him ANYTHING about how I feel or what I go threw. And he sometimes doesn't understand what I say like when I said I use to use as a teen he would keep say so you use now? I said no. He kept smiling saying yes? I was like I said no. Then he asked why I kept taking more pills then needed and I was like wtf and told him I NEVER said I was taking more pills then need or ran out my meds before time? So idk where this guys getting his info from. I'm hoping the therapist there can talk to him better because the pace is so over run maybe he'l listen to a co worker and it be easier for him to read what she put on paper then to hear from me since he has no time.

 @Gearhead I did demand to see one that was my intent when I first wen in but she said she won't send me to one until she exhausted all other possible causes first and there is only one other primary doc I can see but since the primary Docs make so many back to back appointments I kept the closest one that I can walk to should there be too many appointments that week. (Besides my appointments with different docs I got my kids appointments and one of my kids has to see many docs for his epilepsy and other issues)

 

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I have never really did any self inflicted stuff like biting my tongue yet I have od. Question? Do you find anything in your life that is calming or joyous to you? If so focus on that one thing. You just might be able to beat this. Depakote is great. Just my two cents because my mood swings are horrible. I'm on 2500 mg. Question your pdoc possibly about a higher dose. 150 is really low. I hope you get better.

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@saintalto Sadly I been threw many DOc's I havn't found not one yet to listen to me it's either my insurance being crap or the ones around me are just uneducated. this is my 3rd psychiatrist since last October. I left the one in October because he never listened and didn't believe meds had side effects and when he made a taper plan (so I could come off benzos when pregnate) He would change what he said and just cut me off and then go back cause he forgot what he said at his last appointment. If I held between my eyes from a headache he'd keep saying stop picking your face from anxiety.... I said look my face has no marks I'm not picking it I have a headache and he'd ignore me and go on about how I'm picking my face from anxiety and me and my husband were like wtf?

The second psychiatrist treated me like a child and when I had that Depakote issue I was also switched to Klonopin which makes me more aggressive and hyper oddly  Klonopin and Xanax are the only benzos with noticeable side effects for me that are bad. When I told him about the Klonopin he said then ALL benzos would effect you that way  that it's impossible for Valium to not give me side effects like the Klonopin did cause it's the same thing (though I was on  Valium for years) And when I told him about the one night on Depakote (I was just hoping he could tell me if it was something I could ride out or not since i really liked the Depakote and it only happened once even now I want to try it again but have no explanation as to what happened and the way docs acted about it has me thinking it was really bad?) Instead he said no to ALL mood stabilizers and tried antipsychotics again which make my locking and tremors worse and cause more anxiety. Also he said benzo withdrawal isn't real (I almost died of shock) and the one before said withdrawal is over in 3 days and the psychological part in a week :/ Which isn't true at all.

Now I'm seeing this guy (and I can't do much looking anymore I ran almost all places dry) THing with this guy is he asks about what you were [ast diagnosed with and goes off that. I didn't get to tell him ANYTHING about how I feel or what I go threw. And he sometimes doesn't understand what I say like when I said I use to use as a teen he would keep say so you use now? I said no. He kept smiling saying yes? I was like I said no. Then he asked why I kept taking more pills then needed and I was like wtf and told him I NEVER said I was taking more pills then need or ran out my meds before time? So idk where this guys getting his info from. I'm hoping the therapist there can talk to him better because the pace is so over run maybe he'l listen to a co worker and it be easier for him to read what she put on paper then to hear from me since he has no time.

 @Gearhead I did demand to see one that was my intent when I first wen in but she said she won't send me to one until she exhausted all other possible causes first and there is only one other primary doc I can see but since the primary Docs make so many back to back appointments I kept the closest one that I can walk to should there be too many appointments that week. (Besides my appointments with different docs I got my kids appointments and one of my kids has to see many docs for his epilepsy and other issues)

 

Sorry to hear you have such problems finding good treatment, especially with the responsibility of a family to take care of and a sick kid. I haven't any decent advice to give except that I can assure you somewhere out there are a lot of decent psychiatrists and i hope you eventually find one of them. Keep looking.

I am sorry I didn't respond to this sooner, I know you took so much time to write it. I overlooked it in my notifications.

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I have never really did any self inflicted stuff like biting my tongue yet I have od. Question? Do you find anything in your life that is calming or joyous to you? If so focus on that one thing. You just might be able to beat this. Depakote is great. Just my two cents because my mood swings are horrible. I'm on 2500 mg. Question your pdoc possibly about a higher dose. 150 is really low. I hope you get better.

I'm not self inflicting on purpose like cutting and all. The tongue thing is an odd sensation like when my hands lock up and twist i have a uncontrollable urge to grind my teeth however my tongue is numb at the time thus I end up biting it

Unfortunately no I don't really find anything calming everything I use to find calming is now something I can't do, Tho someone shed light to me that the "sound misperception" I have could be a type of Tinnitus.... 

I start off on such low doses cause I'm sensitive to side effects and since I had a odd side effect on such a low dose the Doc isn't sure about Depakote again. Though someone told me the indistinct voices I heard at night on the Depakote may have been Tinnitus ramped up by the Depakote and not a hallucination maybe I can convince my Doc to let me try it again and see if the side effect occurs again? The Trileptal  is great it just ramps up my anxiety so much which is something I need to keep down because high anxiety is what sent me to a pyschward many years ago. Also I find myself feeling aliltlle excited and energetic hours later after Trileptal which makes it hard to sleep or relax. 

@saintalto It's ok and I hope I find one soon! lol I'm just trying to avoid a unneeded trip to the psych unit.... There not very sanitary around here and they put you on 50 pills even if you don't need it or tell them you had a allergic or serious bad reaction in the past.

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