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I need help


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I need help. Life got hard and it hurts and I'm not coping well at all. My skills aren't strong enough for this.

Nothing's working and I read through the reasons list and maybe I'm not processing properly but I can only seem to come up with rebuttals to everything there. I deserve it. I need it. I'm never ever going to be able to explain away my scars or hide them from someone close to me or wear sleeveless tops, my arms are far too damaged and scarred from deep cuts... so what's one more? Or ten more? Who cares? I'm deeply ashamed but at the same time... this won't change that either. I wouldn't do it to anyone else, but I already treat myself unlike I would anyone else.

I don't know where or with whom to talk about this or if talking is really a good idea anyway. My care team has generally taken the approach that talking about it encourages it, so I have to bring it up and I can't because what could they really do anyway? Also I'm ashamed I'm back here and that I don't know what I want or need.

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I have no advice but you're not alone I know exactly how you feel because right now I feel much the same way.

Just try to hold on, find anything you have that means something to you and keep it close and try reaching for it first.

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delay... distract... defer... decide...

delay acting on urges by distracting with whatever works and doesn't make it worse in the moment

defer making a decision about whether or not you will self harm until an hour from now, or a certain time of day

don't decide until that certain time happens

you can always decide to self harm later if it still seems like the best option in the moment

 

It's true that sometimes our skills and other resources aren't strong enough or robust enough to get us through very difficult times. In very difficult times the neural pathways that are strongest will tend to be the ones that get activated. It takes active efforts to NOT follow this path. Sometimes we have enough resources and we can get through the moment safely. Other times it becomes a good way to examine afterwards where our skills and resources need shoring up.

 

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Thanks, Queenie, Mari and Woo. I did delay and distract. I was really panicky this morning when I wrote that because I'd been awake for two hours before my alarm, but getting started on my morning routine was calming. When I went to work I kept deciding to wait an hour but I managed to get sucked in. 

So maybe my skills are stronger than I thought. It doesn't seem to change the wanting though, or the hurt. Life hurts and that's really hard because it builds overtime. 

Of course, now it is evening and my boss will be in the office tomorrow but my friend will not. I'm feeling overwhelmed and hopeless and terrified already. I have let my emotions run away from me. My neural pathways suck.

Edited by Geek
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They don't suck.

They just need more practice.

I like to think of it as a herd of cows in my mind. In order to get them to go to new and exciting pastures, I have to wear in the new trail and block off access to the old pasture.

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  • 2 weeks later...

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