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hello,

i have been suffering from strong depression for a few years now. but i also have gad and ocd and have been having this since i was young.

i already tried many antidepressants (lexapro,memantine,wellbutrin,remeron,stablon,ritalin,cymbalta,anafranil,brintellix) but so far nothing works.

currently i am on 10mg brintellix since 5 weeks and I don't think it does much. maybe my memory is a bit better but i dont feel less depressed or anxious.

i also have adhd and currently take dexedrine 10mg but it doesn't really give me a "kick" and i feel like i needed a kick something to motivate me.

i'd like to try adderall but it's not available where i live.

i don't even know if anything can even work for me cause a lot of my depression is caused by my personal situation (health,job,future,fears of the future etc).

because my situation doesn't get better my depression also gets worse. i feel totally empty and have nothing to look forward to. i feel like i just ruined my life

with bad decisions which i made and now it's all messed up.

 

basically i'm already 33 yo, have been a university student for over 10 years and still haven't finished it and i also don't

know if i even can because of my fear of exams.

even if i finished i wouldn't know what to do then since i don't know what i could do or should do and since i am

depressed i also don't feel like i could even work in a job at all.

my health is also bad. i have many health problems.

every day i think about how hopeless everything looks. i wish so much i could finally stop suffering from studying

which i have been for all these years and do something which

makes sense to me and which i like. but i have no such thing. even when i think that i ever get finished and then have

to work in a crappy job which i hate then this is also not

really attractive to me.

the problem is the older i get and still haven't finished studying the more i feel like ever finding a job becomes more

and more unlikely. who should hire somebody like me?

and i dont even know if i can finish studying. my fears don't get smaller and i have been having them for years

this is why i started with antidepressants years ago in the first place....

 

i also have no motivation anymore to even try to get back to studying and learning. and the more time passes by

the harder it becomes to motivate myself to do something again.

the absolutely worst is this feeling of everything being senseless and not having a perspective.

i just notice how I'm sinking lower all the time. i have nothing which i enjoy anymore. i enjoyed watching game of thrones

but since the season is finished i have nothing else.

i just feel so empty all the time. and the past few weeks i have been watching porn almost every day and masturbating

various times daily even though because of being on Brintellix

I have a really hard time getting an orgasm. what i do is simply so pathetic.

it's like i watch myself from the outside and think  WTF are you doing you act so damn foolish. and at the

same time i dont know how to get out of this. in order to get out of this i needed some to give me new hope

but i have nothing like this.

 

i also worry about that all the porn and masturbation is also bad for the brain and makes me become even less motivated.

can porn make adhd worse?

i don't know what to do. i have tried out different pdocs in the past always hoping to find someone who is better and who puts more

thinking into it but i couldn't find anyone who really is good.

i feel like i needed a specialist, a real genius, who knows what neurotransmitters I lack and how to raise them but the ordinary

pdoc out there is pretty much useless. they put not thinking

into it and do not do personalized medicine! I am so sick of it!

 

i also tried therapists and they were such a disappointment. going there only made me angry and feel even worse.

 

 

Edited by regis
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i was lacked motivation for 2 years, i get the pain. i am available to message with you if you need that. dont have much to say about the medications though. dont know much about antidepressants, but just from my experience with them, i can tell you that you havent tried all of them. maybe try another one with your psychiatrist's help? i know its hard but just think, you haven't been this way your whole life, have you? there's a chance something might change with a med tweak

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Hi and welcome to CB! I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. You still have a lot of meds to try so don't give up on meds just yet. Have you tried other classes of meds besides antidepressants and stimulants? For example, Abilify made a huge difference for me. It was like night and day. Also, anticonvulsants really help me. It took years to find my ideal cocktail of antidepressant + anticonvulsant + atypical antipsychotic. These meds make it possible for me to live a somewhat normal life. I'm not saying they would work for you; I'm just saying that there is hope for you. You do need to find a good pdoc though and one who is not afraid to think outside of the box.

About therapy ... I'm wondering if you just haven't had the right kind of therapy. Sometimes therapy is like meds and you have to try several until you find the right fit for you. You see, therapy is the best treatment for situational depression. Meds can only do so much, but when you are in a tough situation, you have to learn new ways to think about it. Also, it helps to talk out your problems to a non-judgmental person. I'm sorry that you've had such bad experiences with therapy, but I would encourage you not to give up on it.

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I also encourage you to give therapy another try.  Perhaps you could write down some things you would like to accomplish in therapy and then "interview" a couple of therapists to see who is a good fit.  Sometimes getting angry in therapy is positive in that it breaks down walls we have put up.  It doesn't feel good at the time, but it can be helpful.

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  • 2 weeks later...

hi everyone,

thanks for your replies.

 

yes i have always been this way. the only difference is that compared to 10 years ago my situation is now much more hopeless and depressing.

i mean 10 years ago i still felt like i had a future and i could learn something and get a good job and a better life and find some friends. now everything

seems pretty much ruined to me. i am already pretty old and don't have a job and don't know if i ever will. i still live at home, have no friends and no life.

and my health is also bad. over the past 10 years i got more and more health issues. some seemed minor but still dragged me down. and then out of the

blue when i visited a dermatologist i found out that i have a rare genetical syndrome which causes a certain type of fibromas on the skin. i cannot count

how many of these fibromas i have no my body. since i found out about this it has been dragging me down ever since. the fibromas are only a symptom

of the syndrome. the syndrome itself can also cause kidney tumors and other things. this is really scary. i also cannot get over it. i mean if it was something

i cannot see i could try to ignore it. but i see these fibromas every day when i take off my shirt. i cannot ignore it. i also cannot deal with it. i told a psychologist

about this and he said nothing in reply!!! how does this crap help me!? he probably didnt even care.

 

my bad health alone is reason enough for me to be depressed

very often. but i'm also depressed cause i worry about the future and feel worthless cause i reached nothing in my life.

every day i think about how am i supposed to earn money one day and make a living and i have no idea! it makes me feel really worthless.

i wish i had something which fulfills me and which i am good at but i don't.

 

i also have no hobbies, no friends or anything in life which gives me some joy. i have never had many friends and it didn't really bother me. i didn't mind being at home all the time

but now i realize how lonely i am and it totally drags me down. but where shall i get friends now? i never had anyone who could be considered a real friend. only superficial contacts

which weren't worth anything. i am really disillusioned. i have experienced it many times that i thought someone was a friend and then he ended contact with me for no reason.

i used to like working out but this is no longer possibly cause i simply have too many

pains and aches in my body and no doctor can really help me with this or find out what it is.

 

maybe other people who are in my shoes could drag themselves out but i cant. i dont really have the motivation and strength to.

i know that i should do this or that and that watching porn doesn't help my situation. i know all these things. and yet doing them is totally different from knowing what to do.

 

i know i havent tried all meds. but the more i try and nothing works the more hopeless i become. a few people also told me that NO drug can help me when my situation sucks.

what if this is true? what if in my situation there is nothing which can make me feel better!?

 

another problem is that since i have adhd and take stimulants i cannot take every antidepressant there is. tricyclics for example should not be combined with ritalin or amphetamines.

maoi can even less be combined with stimulants. i know some people do but this requires a pdoc who has experience with this. my pdoc doesn't have experience with such "heroic" combos.

 

i needed a real expert but i have no expert. i tried out many pdocs and most of them sucked. the one i have no doesn't have much experience but at least he listens to me and is open

to my suggestions.

 

i will soon try lamictal. i just gotta try stuff. ssri and snri don't seem to help me.

Edited by regis
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An MAOI combined with a stimulant is the most effective combination for depression. Stahl, the supposed guru of psychiatric medications, states that in his book.

I would disagree with your statement that no drug can help you when your situation sucks. Psychiatric drugs are there for that exact reason. They allow you to deal with a situation. They don't fix the situation. You have to do the work, but it's not impossible.

I hope you find a combination that works for you.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi sam, but a MAOI + stimulant can also have very dangerous side effects. Stahl always says this is only for "experts". But the problem is

I do NOT have such an expert! My pdoc is rather young and he has no experience with amphetamines at all!

I also don't know any expert I could go to. I saw a psychiatry professor thinking he must be good since he's a professor and he was a complete jerk

he simply told me he cannot help me anymore after SSRI, SNRI, Wellbutrin and Remeron failed. He didn't even mention MAOI or TCA!

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I sympathize with your situation, but at the very least, try to find a pdoc who is willing to give an MAOI a try. You don't need to combine it with a stimulant. I know it's hard to locate a doctor that will prescribe an MAOI. It could take a year of looking. However, I wouldn't give up on it. It seems like that's the only drug that will help.

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However, I wouldn't give up on it. It seems like that's the only drug that will help.

If drugs turn out not to help, you could always discuss ECT with your doctor. ECT helps a lot of people who otherwise could not be helped.

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Hi, I guess if I could get parnate from my doc if I insisted on it.

But then I wouldn't know what to do. I'd not even know what to eat and if I could still drink coffee. I know many people on MAOIs say they can eat anything but

even if they can do this doesn't mean I can do it too. :(

Doesn't ECT destroy brain cells? I'd be really scared of this. I also don't know if it would really cure my depression. I mean my depression is to a large part

caused by my situation which simply is so dark and hopeless. I just feel like my life is pretty much over and there's nothing good to hope for anymore. I mean when you're

young and going to school you can always think you'll have a nice life and have friends and a wife and so on. But I am in my 30ies and everything is simply messed up.

I don't even know if I will ever have a job and I have no friends. It's simply absolutely dark. I cant count how many times I dream about being back in school. I dream these

dreams all the time. I can't deal with how my life has turned out. I mean I have fears of the future like how shall I survive and pay my bills. But this isn't all. I also have a really

low self-esteem and I also despise myself for being such a low life. I feel really stupid compared to most people. I hardly have any interests and I also cannot maintain stuff

I learned which doesn't interest me. I have very little knowledge of politics,history,geography. I am always scared that people will recognize it and then I'll be ashamed but I also

see no sense in trying to learn stuff which doesn't interest me. I couldnt maintain the information anyway.

But I have nothing which I am really good at and this is very hard to live with. Nobody who isnt in the same shoes can understand this. People who have a good job can define

themselves this way. Or people who are very good at something else like a hobby have their identity in this. But I have no identity. I wish I could find something which I am good

at which separates me from other people but I know no such thing. I liked working out but I cant do this anymore cause I have too many problems with my body. Now I basically

have nothing left. I sit at home all day and totally waste my time and feel miserable.

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I would give an MAOI a try before you resort to ECT. You want to exhaust all pharmaceutical options before you proceed to that step.

I think ECT should be a last resort. I have the same fears about ECT, destroying memory and such. I'm not sure if that's a valid criticism because I know it has helped some people and some don't have any major decline in their memory.

You might want to consider the fact that you're suffering from clinical depression and as a result, your outlook on your life might be clouded. If you treat the depression, you might find that your outlook might change.

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