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I'm starting to lack the ability to function


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It's been a very long time since I've been on the boards. Through a combination of medication and a therapist who was my sounding board, I was okay. The depression had given way to mostly anxiety but anxiety (not the panic attack variety so much - just the unending worry -) was manageable. It's not anymore despite still being on the same meds. No therapist though. I lost my job last October and have been in school since January. The first quarter back was an unending panic attack; I felt like I was being attacked and crushed on all fronts but I made it through. The next quarter was better. I was calm and only had a few brief episodes where I couldn't handle things.

Now. Now is bad. I've never felt this way and I've got no resources or support system. Counseling from school isn't an option because they can't see me until August (now probably September, I cannot afford the lowered payment visits to my therapist because an hour isn't going to make this go away. There's a free clinic I can go to but they just want to pray over me which isn't helpful.

The trigger is that I have six months of unemployment left but about 9 months of school for a degree that possibly might get me a sustenance job after I graduate. I've fallen so far I'm looking for sustenance jobs and not even trying much for jobs in my field (tech support - lots of experience and stable background but in an obsolete industry). I will lose my house if I don't manage to get a job in the next four months but nobody wants me - not even the low wage jobs. I don't feel like I want to or can go on.  I often think of killing myself but am pretty sure that I won't. I tried to get a volunteer job although I kind of agree with the person I talked to that I should focus on getting a job instead of volunteering...but I think she saw through me and could see that I wasn't very stable. It's bad when you can't even get a volunteer job.

I'm on day three of the new quarter and am doing another thing I've never done before. Staring at the walls. I cannot concentrate; I can only see a very bleak existence in front of me. I like this band called Garbage and she sings of doing this over some bad breakup and I always kind of wanted to be able to zone out like that but I've always had one of those racing minds. It's still spinning just at a very low speed. Now that I am - I need it to stop. I have to hang on to what little I have - school and looking for work.

I'm not sure why I am posting this because I don't see much upside. I don't want sympathy or empathy. This was the only place I thought of to go.

Oh, it's all complicated by an underactive thyroid. I've been on the meds for that for about a month but I don't think they are working. The symptoms that I noticed that made me get tested weren't the depression but I think it's being exacerbated by it.

I don't feel like I've expressed everything but I'm already long winded when I write so I will end here.

What I wish I could do would be to check myself into a hospital but I don't have insurance and I don't think it would help either..besides I've hear the horror stories from my sister about the hospitals she has been in (she's had mental health issues far longer and more serious than I). On top of it, I'd miss school and then I would have no unemployment and I would lose everything just that much faster.

 

 

 

 

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I've been there. Hell, I kinda am there currently.

 

I have the underactive thyroid as well. What specific meds are you on for that, and why don't you think they're not working. I know once my thyroid meds kicked in the depression became more manageable.

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I'm so upside down, I don't know what came first - the thyroid problems or the depression. I think the thyroid problems have been building for some time because things that worried me physically were happening six months ago. But, the house is huge. If I lose my house, I lose everything I've ever worked for in my life and I'm too old to recover.

 

Meds. Lots.

iron 325mg x1, multivitamin, vitamin d 4000iu, generic librax 5/2.5mg x3, generic prevacid 30mg x1, generic adderall 30mg x1, geodon 80mg x1, generic librium 25mg x4, dyazide 37.5/25 x1, potassium chloride 30ml (or equivalent) x1, levothyroxine 50 mcg x1 - started 06.10.15

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Are you not taking an antidepressant? I know how you feel about not being able to get a job. I sometimes think that if I could get a job, most of my problems currently would vanish. It's pretty clear to me from your post (and I'm not a doctor) that you are facing a lot of situational stress, and I think you know that the best treatment for that is therapy. Meds can help put you in a place so that therapy can take hold, but you need to work this out with a therapist.

I advise you to get that appointment with a therapist at the university even if it is in September. Get it now before it becomes October. If you can afford it, try to get in with your old therapist even if it is only for a session or two between now and September. Those are important steps to take.

If you can get your depression under control, the other things will come more easily. I know you are now looking at the worst case scenario, but the worst case scenario rarely comes to pass. Kudos to you for going back to school and getting new skills. That was an important step to take. About employment ... have you tried using the employment services at your university to help you find a job?

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I've forgotten how to reply to posts so forgive me if I am doing this wrong. I thought there used to be a reply button. Like I said, it's been a lot of years.

The geodon actually works for me as an antidepressant. I tried lots of your basic ones before. Lots. Geodon is the first that made me not want to die. Wellbutrin was my first and it was like manna from heaven (I'm an atheist but it's a perfect description.) Unfortunately, I only started it to stop smoking and when it actually made me feel like a human being, I realized that what people were telling me was right all along - I was depressed. I thought I knew what that was before the Wellbutrin. I'd just call it one of my moods but it was so much more than that (although nothing like how I feel now). Anyways, since she didn't know me, and I wasn't sleeping, she wouldn't prescribe me sleep meds. She took me off it. It's never worked again. I've tried repeatedly to go back on it trying to recapture that feeling but it's always the same. No impact.

The problem with September or whenever (from school) is that I don't know how to deal with what I am going through right now and I'm not that confident of getting from here to there.

 

As for my therapist, as much as I need her and I desperately do, that's money for meds. If I don't have meds then all bets are off. That frightens me more than anything. It's one thing to be on meds that don't work that great but it's another to not be on anything. If I'm starting to not function on them, what will happen then? I think I will turn into my sister and that would be a bad scene because I think that I would succeed where she failed so many times. I'm much more logical than she is.

I'm trying everything on the employment front that would allow me to keep my house. Right now the things I qualify for just don't pay enough. I backed myself into a technological corner and out of the market by staying in the industry I was in. There are so many things in retrospect but ultimately I should have left a long time ago. I was trying to hold on to the dream of retiring there and that was unrealistic. The house may end up being the same but the problem there is that I'm going to be paying about the same in rent somewhere else and I'm going to lose a lot in the process.

 

 

Are you not taking an antidepressant? I know how you feel about not being able to get a job. I sometimes think that if I could get a job, most of my problems currently would vanish. It's pretty clear to me from your post (and I'm not a doctor) that you are facing a lot of situational stress, and I think you know that the best treatment for that is therapy. Meds can help put you in a place so that therapy can take hold, but you need to work this out with a therapist.

I advise you to get that appointment with a therapist at the university even if it is in September. Get it now before it becomes October. If you can afford it, try to get in with your old therapist even if it is only for a session or two between now and September. Those are important steps to take.

If you can get your depression under control, the other things will come more easily. I know you are now looking at the worst case scenario, but the worst case scenario rarely comes to pass. Kudos to you for going back to school and getting new skills. That was an important step to take. About employment ... have you tried using the employment services at your university to help you find a job?

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i'm sorry that you're dealing with so much while feeling so terrible.

i just wanted to add that thyroid meds take forever to feel the difference.  a few months at least.  but when they do reach the appropriate level, things will be so much easier.  it doesn't fix everything of course (i wish!), but the depression will not have this same depth you're experiencing now.  i've been there several times and it is so very difficult.  you'll be able to think more clearly again.  when i am depressed and my thyroid isn't functioning as well as it should, it's almost impossible for me to believe anything besides what the depression tells me.  when i'm depressed and my thyroid is okay, it's still hell, but i can at least entertain the idea that life will not be hell forever and i haven't completely ruined everything.

i hope that better day comes soon for you.

 

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Your post pisses me off. Why can't people with MI get the help they so desperately need? I swear.. if anyone of our "leaders" ever experienced severe depression or psychosis mental health services would be free. 

Don't get down on yyourselfabout your job. Its not your fault. You can't B expected to predict the future. I AM sure you worked hard and deserve more than you got. I'm impressed that you haven't given up on yourself. Keep moving forward and don't give up or in. 

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