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this is going to be long but i really need someones help, or advice, or experience. 

im an emotional wreck. so let me give some background information.

 

Ive been on antidepressants since I was 15. I also suffer from anxiety. Ive been on zoloft before and effexor xr. I stopped effexor xr a few months back and switched to wellbutrin. Effexor was making me tired, fat, and just dulled me. It was then my pdoc suggested wellbutrin xr. From the start it was a hard medication for me to adjust to, but I really wanted it to work so I gave it a try. After a month or two I felt great. The side effects were gone, and I was happy. But about a month ago my anixety went haywire. I thought it was maybe making my adhd worse so I started taking adderall again. (I stopped for a short while because I had got up to 60mg a day and was wrecking my body). Adderall didnt help and if anything, my anxiety was worse. So about two weeks ago I stopped taking my wellbutrin. I was frustrated and Ive never tried to stop taking meds to see how Id feel. I wanted to get back in the gym, eating healthy, and give my body a chance to heal itself. 

I went about it all wrong.

First I was just taking my ativan twice a day for my anxiety. It was working well. I didnt feel doped up or weird, just normal.

And then I went back on my adderall. 5mg 3 times a day. Sometimes 10mg twice a day. Id feel great for a short time, and then crash and have to take more. So my doc suggested adding adderall xr. Tried that for a day or two but it made me extremely tired. So I tried taking it with a 5mg IR and then 5mg later in the afternoon. I still felt extremely strung out at the end of the day. Like I spent the day doing hard drugs. Id be so wired and anxious, so that then Id have to take my ativan at night.

And now that is where Im at. I take adderall during the day, and around 5 start to feel terrible. Im anxious, nauseous, dehydrated even though ive been drinking water, and i feel like im coming down off crack. I come home, and take ativan. Im rx'ed 0.5mg but last night I took two and today I took 2 again, and then another one about 30 minutes ago.

Im sick to my stomach over this. My mind doesnt know what the fuck is going on. Im up, and then Im down, and then at the end of the day Im mad at myself for doing this. I get home and feel like a zombie. I cant enjoy being with my husband, or my dog, or anything. Im so wired and fucked up and then I just want to cry.

I want to stop. I dont want any shit in my system anymore. Tomorrow (like today) Im telling myself I wont take the adderall. Its just easier said then done, especially when I wake up and Im tired and sluggish, and just feel on edge because theres still adderall in my system. So i take one, and then feel better. And say ok, Ill take my next dose, I feel the crash coming on.

Im scared. How do I do this? How do I detox? I know last time I stopped adderall  cold turkey it was awful. I was a disgusting, tired mess. I was anxious. I had no motivation. To add it in, Im scared that if I stop my ativan at the same time Im going to be putting my body in double shock. I have been taking ativan on a daily basis up until recently, so Im hoping there wont be withdrawals, but I also know I need it for the anxiety - but I dont want to get dependent on it. 

What do I do? How do I get through this? Please someone help me. Im a manic mess. My husband got me flowers last night with a beautiful note, just because, and I cried because I feel like a worthless piece of shit. I just want to be healthy. Please help me. Im desperate and at the end of my rope

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I would try to see your pdoc asap. Call them, sometimes they give you same day appointments.

It seems you're struggling.

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Does your pdoc know that you stopped taking some of your meds, and other meds you are taking more of?  For me I HAVE to be on meds, whether I like it or not, or I go psychotic in a major way.  If I detoxed from meds to no longer have them in my system I'd definitely be worse off.

I agree with carlossong ... I would call your pdoc ASAP and tell him/her what you've been going through ... tell them it is an emergency and why, and you are most likely to get an appt sooner than later.  Or at least have your pdoc call you, so you can tell him/her what is going on, and let them decide whether you should come in right away or not.

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I know this is repetition, but call your pdoc on Monday. There's no comforting way to say this, but you've made a mess out of your medications. You have to get this straightened out by a professional. As you can see, just being crazy doesn't give you the knowledge to fuck around like this.

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Butterflyx -

A couple of things:  First, I know that it can be very tempting, when you are on medications that are reasonably effective in treating your condition and you feel somewhat more normal, to ask yourself, "Do I really need these? Maybe I should come off them and see how I feel without them."  It's a normal reaction, but the only reason you can ask yourself the question is because you're taking the medication as prescribed - it's the only reason you feel normal enough to think you might not need them.  You have to realize this and resist the urge to undermine your treatment.

Second, the other posters are correct, you cannot fix your current predicament on your own, at least not without greater discomfort and confusion. Make an appointment with your pdoc at once, and explain that it is urgent.  You say that you feel like you are coming off of crack (I hope that is not from experience) and the reason for that is that by using only your Adderall during the day you are basically doing Speed.  Adderall is amphetamine salts, a central nervous system stimulant.  I take 40mg in the morning as a chaser to my Effexor; if I took it any later I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. Since you're taking it on and off at various times, it's no wonder you're up and down, strung out and crashing.  You aren't meant to be taking it in that fashion.

From your description, this whole problem began because your anxiety increased while on Wellbutrin.  You say that for a while on Wellbutrin you were stable and happy, with no side effects.  Then, your anxiety increased and you made a decision on your own to resume taking Adderall, and then stopped taking your Wellbutrin.  Take-away lesson from this: Until you complete your M.D. degree and psychiatric specialization, do not attempt to diagnose and prescribe for yourself.

Until you can get in to see your pdoc, try this:  Immediately, as in tomorrow morning, resume taking your medications as prescribed at the time you were feeling okay two months ago.  You will not feel better overnight, probably, because the levels of medication in your body will need to level out, but you need to normalize those levels back to something like the state your pdoc had intended for you.  Then, by the time you have an appointment, you should be in a better state for your pdoc to help you with the underlying anxiety problem.

Please keep checking in with us and let us know how you're doing.

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The others have said what needs to be said already. Get to your doctor pronto and tell him everything so you can both work on fixing this.

Also, in my own experience, Adderall reduced me to a puddle of anxiety and nerves.

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Thank you everyone for your replies. The logical side of me knows these things already. I shouldn't be playing with my meds. I saw my mom doing this growing up and saw what a yo-yo effect it was. My body has lost all sense of what homeostasis is and I can't imagine it's going to get back in line easily. I didn't take adderall today and have had that sluggish, tired, anxiety feeling but I've tried to sleep most of it off. I also started back on my vitamins today to help my body out. I'll be calling my pdoc first thing next week and until then, try to find a healthy way to control my anxiety. 

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Until you can get in to see your pdoc, try this:  Immediately, as in tomorrow morning, resume taking your medications as prescribed at the time you were feeling okay two months ago.  You will not feel better overnight, probably, because the levels of medication in your body will need to level out, but you need to normalize those levels back to something like the state your pdoc had intended for you.  Then, by the time you have an appointment, you should be in a better state for your pdoc to help you with the underlying anxiety problem.

^^I agree with Cerberus.  

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I agree, Cerberus gave some good advice about dealing with your meds.

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