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work. O H. my manager.problems.long.

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My manager is referring me to Occupational Health.

She went to a course the other day about Occupational Health and so this is it. It feels like the end.

Because they do counselling and suchlike. She wants me to learn ways to cope with my Depression at work.

(I work in a small public library in NW London, UK)

(which I am already talking about in therapy and with my GP, so I am totally confused and feel hurt)

Apparantly its not ok that I have occasional blips when I cannot handle being with customers, when I have panic attacks and need to take some time out to gather myself (like, 5 minutes in the staffroom the other day...)or when I get upset.

Apparantly it doesn't make for a good team.

I told her that several times my GP has offered to sign me off sick, but that we then agreed that being around people is better for me, rather than sinking deeper at home on my own.

I had to outline all my background to her for the referral form. How I've always been depressed, the dates of episodes of major depression (when I was 17, 20, 24 and then pretty much always since.) the treatment from my GP, how long I've been in therapy.....

I did make it clear that my Depression isn't just something that's appeared recently--she is always saying "but you weren't like this when you first came" --- and that I didn't start having therapy until 2001, and until then it went undiagnosed and untreated (in fact I've only been formally diagnosed this Autumn...)so its a lot of years of depression and depressed thinking and feeling to recover from and heal.

And that its Recurrent Depression.Which means I have had and have episodes, which vary in severity. Its not just this is one isolated episode.

And I told her that I left my first full time job, after 4 years of teaching, partly due to Depression complications. And that the Head of the school was very unsympathetic and demanding until I crumbled, and basically had to resign or go through disciplinary procedure.

That she would only give me a reference for supply teaching.

And that this job where I am now is my first nearly full time job since I left my first job in 1996.

Maybe I shouldn't have told her that....but I feel that its important, gives an overview of the wider picture.

I cried on her. My manager today that is.

I cried a lot.

I would have cried more only she told me to stop crying.

She doesn't understand Depression, how to talk with people who are depressed. Even though she is basically caring.

I had to tell her, for ****** sake, that Depression is counted as a disability-and is refered to as such on the appraisal form, but I didn't tick it then (over a year ago) as I wasn't formally diagnosed. Now I am.

And I asked her why did I have to take some of my leave time when I am basically ill, someone with flu would have sick leave, but I have to take it off my holiday time.

She said how she has to report my situation with my Depression and how it affects my work to her senior manager.

I feel so crap.

I feel such a failure.

I'm getting better, damn it, its not a straight line, and I'm fragile at the moment as the therapy break has just started, and that I will settle a little in time.

Basically, I can't refuse the Occupational Health referral.

I am scared. I need help. I feel so alone, I feel like I'm falling with noone to catch me.

Most of all I need practical advice on how to handle this. Please.

Some sympathy and a shoulder to cry on would be good too.



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hey sweets...

i'm soo sorry you r goin' through this shit!!! anyone who understands major depression would NEVER say *stop crying*!!! ;)

just remember you're just starting your journey n that hopefully with the right treatment n good docs you'll be able ta smile a bit...without having ta put on a front!!! but until then you were right ta tell her what you were goin' through...i'm just sorry she didn't give the responce she should of given!!!

i don't live in the u.k. so i don't know the avenues you have ta take...but i WILL be that shoulder you were talkin' bout if you need one!!!

if you don't feel like posting it all ta read you are more than welcome ta p.m. me!

i'm usually on n off line from 6a.m. ta 7p.m.

good luck with your journey n good thoughts ta you!!!

flutterfly xo

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thank you flutterfly....thing is, I've been depressed *this time round* for 2 years.....1 year since I started efexor...so this isn't the beginning, really...

I told her not to take away my feelings-telling me to stop crying-and that people who are depressed can't just 'snap out of it'...

I am upset and angry....calmed a little by remeron right now thank goodness...

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