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Feeling betrayed because of sex stuff


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I wasn't sure where to post this, but it shouldn't cause triggers because I've not been sexually assaulted. It's a weird issue and I know I need to talk to a counselor about this but until I find one (recently switched to state health insurance), I just want people's ideas or hear that maybe someone understands. I'm ashamed of this weird anxiety or whatever it is.

Okay, so I'm an adult, I know sex is normal, and I like it, etc. But here's where it gets weird. If anyone I trust finds me sexually attractive, I suddenly feel betrayed and hurt. There is no reason for it! I haven't been raped. I have had many relationships as a young person where the guy focused way too much on sex and it ruined the relationship and made me feel used. But I'm talking about now...I don't mind a casual encounter with a stranger, even though that's definitely us using each other. But if it's someone I'm close to, I feel afraid and angry and disturbed. The worst example is my best guy friend, who would go to the moon and back for me, and who is in love with me. If he suggests anything physical, I get panicked and upset and resent him. You can see why relationships don't even work for me...because once we cross the point of me trusting them, it's like sex is off limits. How could I not mind a random person doing it with me, but hate when someone I trust does? How could I ever experience "making love" with this stupid issue? I'm a freak. 

 

 

Edited by koali777
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It seems like you have unresolved issues about whatever happened during the first time you felt like your partner was out of line and focused on sex too much.  It seems like you might have a fear that your modern partners will be the same way or worse, when maybe they aren't.  Each new person is a new ball game, in my opinion, unless you are choosing guys of a certain type.  Sorry if this is blunt, but I mean for it to be a truly helpful response.  I think maybe some sort of therapy could help. 

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do you feel as if the relationship itself changes once someone finds you sexually attractive, or sex becomes part of the relationship?  what specifically might be different about the way someone might behave (or you might perceive them as behaving)?  does that person treat you differently in some way?

i struggle with this a little too (though i do have trauma in my past).  i can easily see why it could happen without trauma, though.  i've had relationships where as soon as sex was a possibility, it seemed like the physical intimacy immediately began to replace the emotional intimacy i felt with that person.  as if they didn't need to share intimate thoughts and feelings like close friends would do anymore, because the physical closeness was supposed to express that somehow (and it just doesn't, it isn't the same AT ALL).

maybe this is different from what you're feeling.  but going through that makes me resentful when a friend expresses sexual interest as well, whether that's fair or not.  i feel like it's going to take precedence over any kind of friendship we might already have.

and then there's the slightly paranoid part of me that wonders "are you just being nice to me to get in my pants?".  which is also an unfair assumption but unfortunately sometimes it's turned out to be true.

this is definitely a great issue for therapy, if you have a tdoc.

 

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To the first response, don't worry, you aren't being too blunt and it was helpful. I mainly am with guys who are sweet when it comes to relationships, but very needy. As for casual encounters I've had in the past, they were mainly drunk guys. But those are the ones I wasn't afraid of.

To second response though, yes, you're so right! That's actually exactly how I feel. That it suddenly replaces the closeness and intensity of the emotional part, with sex...and as much as I like sex, I also agree it is NOT the same. So that may be my issue. I do still feel weird that I feel this way when there hasn't been trauma, but I really value emotional connections, even with people I'm not attracted to, and I'm scared to lose it. So this does clear up a bit for me. However, I do still need to find a therapist. 

Edited by koali777
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In general, people are not two dimensional. It isn't either emotional intensity or sexual intensity. Ideally, it should be both. You probably are reacting to some bad experiences, but try to keep in mind that everyone is different.

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