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I want to be better

 

I honestly believe I am evil and horrible and unforgivable and there's no end to my flaws. If I allow myself to feel better without improving myself as a person first then I'm just being irresponsible and looking for a way out of confronting all the things wrong with me.

 

I am irresponsible though. I always try to make excuses for everything and I never do any of the things I should. I'm even using "well at least I feel bad about it" as an excuse to avoid accepting full responsibility for all the things I do wrong and actually fixing them.

 

Everything I do is wrong and I hate myself for all of it and I'm not going to do anything about it

 

So where do I go from here?

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You're receiving some sort of help, yes? Medication and therapy of some sorts? The best thing you can do is not fight against these feelings but accept they are feelings you're having and they will pass. Think of it this way: you're crossing a rickety wooden bridge, the drop is shit scary but what you can do is close your eyes and listen to the voices of the people around you who are there to help. 

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I honestly believe I am evil and horrible and unforgivable and there's no end to my flaws. If I allow myself to feel better without improving myself as a person first then I'm just being irresponsible and looking for a way out of confronting all the things wrong with me.

this is my train of thought countless times a day.  i don't deserve to feel good because i am not living up to my own standards of "good person" in so many ways i don't even know where to begin.  i'm a rotten person and rotten people shouldn't be happy.

something in me knows that this is wrong.  of course i've been told it's completely untrue by every therapist/doctor i've shared that thought with.

when my last therapist was unable to get me out of that self-defeating logic, she said something like "okay if you MUST believe that is true, also believe this: feeling better is what is required for you to make those changes".  which makes sense, but... honestly it just uncovered that even after being offered a solution to "how to stop being a terrible person" by working on feeling good first, the core issue was that i don't deserve to feel good anyway.  even if i made all those changes and became the kind of person i wish i was, i would still believe i don't deserve anything resembling happiness or peace.  if somehow i gave Mother Theresa a run for her money in the "good person" department, i'd still find a reason why i'm not good enough to be allowed to feel happy.

i know feeling undeserving is rooted in really old issues for me.  but it's also depression that is making this kind of thinking impossible to stop - so it's a catch 22.  when i am less depressed, i can say sure i'm terrible but to hell with it, i'm going to enjoy *whatever* anyway, who cares (and then if i keep doing that, it gets easier to choose to let myself feel something good).  when i'm more depressed, the fact that i am undeserving makes for strict rules about not being "selfish".  and the longer i follow the rules the worse i feel.

wow i rambled - sorry.  i guess my point is that doing everything possible to fight depression (meds, therapy, etc) makes it easier to ignore those thoughts.  i can't say i've ever been rid of them, but i can say i have times when i can choose not to focus on whether i deserve to enjoy the taste of ice cream.  or deserve to go somewhere fun.  or deserve to believe the kind things people say to me.  and that feels so much better than needing to "earn" the right to live life the way everyone else seems to be able to by being "perfect".

for me, it takes constant effort to remind myself to STOP evaluating and comparing my behaviour.  i've been told many times that the more i make this effort, the less i'll have to someday.  i'm choosing to believe that's true.

 

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I appreciate the input!

 

But... Well, one thing is that I'm not even sure this is the result of depression. Like, I'm sure they're related, but maybe thinking this way in the first place made me depressed rather than the other way around?

 

And then I think this way in the first place because it's probably all true... I mean, even my friends are just like "yeah, that's true" when I mention any of my flaws, and the professionals just change the subject.

 

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I feel the same way when I'm in a depressed state, and even sometimes when I'm elevated. Thing is everyone has flaws. Some people (me, me, me) have a shit-ton. Maybe even most. Thing is, those flaws are a far cry from true evil. That's what I tell myself anyway. Even when I have behaviors that are extreme and borderline abusive, there's a motive component. Do I want to hurt people? No. I just haven't completely developed the habit of behaving differently. I'm irresponsible at times, and yes, some of the mistakes I've made have led to more severe depressed feelings because of the situation they've put me in. Still doesn't make me evil. There's very little true evil in the world, in my opinion. We all deserve health and happiness. 

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Um...works the other way round, really.

It becomes a whole lot easier to chug away at fixing your flaws...when said flaws no longer mean you are a piece of human garbage and deserve your own hate.

Positive self-reinforcement works better than self-flagellation.

Internally-directed hatred takes a lot of time and energy.

Too, lots of imperfect people in the world, many do not hate themselves for it.

I'm irresponsible, an epic slob, incredibly disorganized, often annoying, prone to assume the head-up-ass position. Not evil. Not deserving of hatred.   

I still get annoyed at myself a lot, but gentleness works better than figuratively ( and literally ) beating up on myself.

We ( in my head ) think it's ok to like you even if you are irresponsible.

As far as fixing you? Baby steps. Give yourself lots of credit for every step in the right direction. 

Trust me, I fought myself(s) over this for years. I felt like I had to be beaten for not being perfect, every time, so I did that.

(beating hurts worse than cutting, less infection risk)

Don't take it there; it did not fix anything about me.

 It might have been sort of inevitable at some points, we felt so filthy remembering stuff? But it didn't mean any progress.

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