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So I'm just messed up.. I know it seems like every other teenager.. but I'm 14 years old and have little to no quality of life. Its not like I'm not happy with what I have, what my parents and family do for/with me, or anything like that. I just don't like who I am. I have acne, I'm as thin as humanly possible, I have major confidence issues, I failed English and get terrible grades, I dissapoint all of my family; my parents especially, I'm weak, I push my friends away, I am the shittiest brother I'm capable of bein,  Im lazy and no matter what I'm not able to change anything.. I cut (of course.. as I said, the cliché) because I have no self control. I just often feel like everyone would be better off without me. At one point a few months ago (I wanna say about April) I had a breakdown and wrote note,  like final notes, to my mother, my stepdad, my brother and sister, and my best friend. I obviously calmed down after about an hour and a half to two hours of crying all over notebook pages and having intentions to go out that night. I had a friend who overdosed and I asked him what it was like and blah blah blah because I thought about doing it intentionally. A lot of the time I make fun of myself for being this way because I feel like I'm a bitch and hope it rids my mind of idiotic thoughts. I've been better more recently until last week where as I've just been sucked back into the abyss. I don't mean to be a bother to anyone.. I just can't sleep and keep self loathing so I wanted to get this off of my chest. Thanks to anyone who took the time.

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I'm glad you found a place you could get things off your chest.

Being a teen is ridiculously difficult. You couldn't pay me enough money to do it over again, even if I know now what I didn't know then.

It sounds like you might benefit from talking to a therapist to help you get more skills to manage thoughts of self harm and negative self-talk. And maybe ask your parents to make a doctor's appointment so you can talk about your mental health symptoms.

All of the problems you describe have solutions.

And yet when we feel overwhelmed and despairing, we feel trapped. And when humans feel trapped, or any animal for that matter, we start to look for ways out. It makes sense to me that suicide would show up in your thinking for this reason. I think about suicidal thoughts as my brain sending up an error message that something isn't right and needs to be fixed.

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...probably in the interest of helping you get the help you need, it seems likely a responsible adult would help you find ways to tell your parents and help protect you from unhelpful responses if your parents had them.

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hope things go ok for you, remember you are loved even if it doesn't seem like it in this life.  Teenage hormones, pollution & school not always being right for us etc are some of the things that make life hell for us.  Keep safe and remember that you are loved. 

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