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Deliberate re-dissociation


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I think my body's health is being wrecked by feeling my feelings, along with my life getting ruined as well.

I think I need to just wall all my inside people off, leave my one alter 'dead'- she is/was the majority of my ability to love.  I need to just be...singular, to shut it all off and walk away, to re-dissociate.

My inside people, oddly enough, are both sad and comfortable with this.  They are safer Inside, in the Rooms of Ruin...they hold the feelings.

I can leave them behind, more or less.  I feel like I'm amputating my chance at a full life, but feeling was ruining my " full " life, constantly making me miserable.

I will shut that nonsense off.  I will move forward.

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I'm not sure that it's possible to turn it off and on like that. Things will leak through, and they will continue to affect you. Only you won't have context for why it's happening. 

Is it possible for you all to have a meeting? Maybe you can work on ways to dial things down a bit. I still don't have feelings, on the whole, so I'm not sure if that's entirely practical. But maybe if you could know about them through stickers or stories or drawings or what-not rather than needing to feel them directly folks wouldn't be so shut out? Because here, shutting people out tends to lead to problems. Even though they say that they're comfortable with it, it also makes them sad. I suspect that that sadness will break through to you, if only as they desperately try to tell you that they're okay/still there, whatever.

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Sad is the exact way it feels, like I have to mutilate something important to survive?

 But I am really floundering, and I am really physically ill. Body needs a long break from all this emoting.  My life needs to be made better.

Ooh, it's late, I need to work out.

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