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Not sure why I'm here but hello

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I still wonder why I registered at a place called "CrazyBoards.org". I seriously don't know. I guess some part of me thought that's a good idea, so I'll play along with it. I wasn't sure wether I should post this or not. I must have rewritten it around 50 times.

I'm a student in my early 20s and the weirdest part about me is probably that I've been lacking the will to live for most of my life. I have some thoughts that are typical for severely depressed people, although I don't feel severely depressed nor do those thoughts frighten me. Unsurprisingly, I'm diagnosed with depression and was prescribed Sertraline, Hydroxyzine and Mirtazapine and a few others.

I'm also diagnosed with gender dysphoria, but I don't intend to live as a transsexual, which is basically the only treatment available. I'm conscious that my decision has reached self-destructive levels, but I can't help it. I don't think the alternative is better. At least I'm on cross-sex-hormone therapy which alleviates it just enough to have energy to distract myself (I wasn't able to get out of the bed before and looked really sick).

Since I accepted that I'm going to live a life that I don't want, I feel like I'm falling into nothingness, with nowhere to hold on, wondering where I'll end up. Weirdly enough, I don't really suffer that much anymore, because I care less. I'm also not scared of dying, but I'm scared that the neurotic behavioural patterns that I've accumulated recently might turn into something more serious. I was even panicking about the possibility that I'm already delusional but not even noticing it. Currently it seems fine, but I feel like i have to be careful becaue I don't trust my brain.

That being said, I don't think I'll make many posts here, since I don't think I have anything of value to say, but I felt like introducing myself.

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I found that I get a great sense of mistrust with my thoughts when I'm depressed, I have a difficulty distinguishing real ones from ones that are "made up" - or, more like I think there's invalid thoughts. 

Numbness I feel can be the elephant in the room at times when I think of depression, I see crying and feeling like I want to die and that I should, it took a while before I realised I was depressed because of that. Depression can do funny things to you, you think it's quite small and simple but the truth is that depression has all kinds of symptoms. 

Don't think your opinion is any less useful than the next guy, welcome.

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