I lost the remaining contact with the persons I knew some years ago because in a crisis I wrote them some stuff that was bottled inside.
Does anyone else lost all their friends because of your illness or since your illness, with a reason or without reason?
And what do you do now?
My fingers are aching just writing this. A little voice in my head is screaming at me and telling me how stupid I am and how worthless this is. It's telling me "nothing can help! NO one is going to listen to you anyway, let alone understand you." Every time I try talk to someone is person they just put me down and tell me "It's just a phase" or "don't worry, you are still developing" Like WTF do they mean?!?! You can't tell me how I feel! No one will ever know exactly how I feel! I know that what I'm feeling my friends don't feel. They aren't screaming inside, or have to pretend to be happy just to fit in.
I can't even describe how bad this has gotten. Every year it gets worse. Last week I felt like slamming my against a wall, and peeling the skin off my face because their was this thing that I couldn't understand sitting in my head and feeding me all this shit.
Sometimes I sit and stare out my window and look at people passing by. I try to figure out what's going on in their life. They all seem so fucking happy. Like why does staring at your phone and petting your partners leg make you feel content? Why does love make you happy? It just all seems so fucking stupid to me.
Why are people happy living in a world where you have zero freedom. I would get thrown behind bars if I tried to take the resources that earth gives us. We are controlled by money; a useless material that has no value in the world of survival. I just don't get it.
And love, whats with that. Isn't it just for sex? Aside from sex, how is it any different from hanging outwith your friends? And considering that divorces and break ups are common, what's the point of putting yourself in that much pain?
Anyway I just wanted to vent, because I'm pretty lost right now and don't really know what to do about it.
By Kita the Shiny Ninetales
my boyfriend and I have been together a year this July.
but lately all we have been doing is fighting, and not nice fights either. a lot of shouting.
I feel as if we are drifting apart, im afraid and feeling a little helpless, I love him to bits. he is everything to me.
I love him, but he gets jealous if I talk to someone I have known and grew up with because my friend in a guy, and cos they are speaking to me and not him.
not sure what to do to be honest? are we drifting apart
By Kita the Shiny Ninetales
I have been battling with self harm since high school, after being bullied constantly, about the way I looked. Alright I wasn't the prettiest girl in the world, and still isn't, but the bullies didn't care. I lost count of the amount of different names I was called, being pushed down stairs on the way to lessons, have doors shut in my face etc. I found the only way out was to self harm. The only peace I found was when I self harmed.
I never told anyone, so I suffered in silence for a very long time, wearing long sleeves even in summer. I didn't want anyone to know.
As the years pasted, I changed high schools, things got better. No one knew who I was, and I liked that finally I made some close friends.
But anyway long story short
Recently the scars are numbering, there' more, I know that I should stop, but I cant find the will to stop. I see what it it is doing to my family and boyfriend they are all worried about me. *wipes away tears* sorry. Erm I know its easy just to stop, but when things get stressful or fuelled with anger or sadness, I cut to stop the pressure from exploding.
Kita the Shiny Ninetales
I had about a 2 month period when I thought we had figured out my meds and was feeling rather "normal" Well now i been crashing, and it got worse about 4 days ago... If anyone has read any of my previous post one of my biggest things that comes with my crashes is wanting to leave my husband. Again he is an AMAZING person, loving, supportive, loyal. I dont desire a divorce (though i often think that would be the fairest thing for him even though I know he doesnt want it either) I HATE MYSELF for these thoughts. I HATE MYSELF SO BAD. Id gladly deal with most anything else then wanting to leave him like this. Its so much harder this time. Maybe because its been so long since Ive felt this way.. I cant pinpoint why i want to leave except maybe because I want to be alone. But we have 2 young kids and I have no ways of supporting myself so im stuck... Ive often thought id be content to live in a tiny home on the same property as he. I havent felt "in love" with him for nearly 2 years now. But I do love him dearly, I still consider him my best friend. Id worry so bad if I left, and I know id be sick with jealousy if he moved on with someone else despite me also thinking he would have a happier life. I wrote him a very LONG letter about how I feel, and it included everything.. He didnt say anything but he did look hurt. who wouldnt? I even told him this time I wished something would just happen to me so he could grieve and move on. The only reason I wont entertain the thoughts of ending it myself is the kids and him.
Im also frustrated that my dr. had agreed that TMS but the one place she submitted my info to turned me down because of my drinking... Ive nearly quit now so I can get this treatment as im so sensitive to meds yet she hasn't updated my info or resubmitted me nor has she tried submitting my info to the other office that does it. My councilor recommended me call her and see her sooner but my appt is tuesday and my daughter has her recitals this week so I didnt call since we are so busy..
I dont know what to do anymore... I want to leave so bad, but I truly have no idea if that would solve a damn thing. I guess I need someone that has felt this way to give me some hope that things will get better, or at least fade away and our marriage will remain intact. Or just tell me not to leave because it will make it worse.... I just dont know what I need anymore....