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I was okay for months


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When I got to a high enough level of lithium back in April, it took all my compulsions to self-harm and all my suicidal ideation away.  Even when I was deeply depressed after that, I was fine w/r/t the above.  Friday a week ago, for no apparent reason, I became both mildly depressed and mildly anxious, and they came back. 

It's particularly upsetting because my brain keeps trying to trick me into thinking it would be a casual, normal thing to go SI.  Also because with so long without suicidal thoughts or compulsions to SI, I thought I was safe. But I'm not.

I'm not comfortable talking with any of my friends about this, though I will bring it up at my next pdoc appointment.  I feel like it's too messed up for how bad I feel, which is not very bad.

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When I got to a high enough level of lithium back in April, it took all my compulsions to self-harm and all my suicidal ideation away.  Even when I was deeply depressed after that, I was fine w/r/t the above.

congratulations on not self injuring for so long.  that's very comendable. 

Friday a week ago, for no apparent reason, I became both mildly depressed and mildly anxious, and they came back. 

It's particularly upsetting because my brain keeps trying to trick me into thinking it would be a casual, normal thing to go SI.  Also because with so long without suicidal thoughts or compulsions to SI, I thought I was safe. But I'm not.

i don't know how long you did SI before your stopped.  i know for me it's been 2 years since i've cut.  but when i'm hit with a wave of depression and anxiety, the urge to cut still pops right into my head.  the urges are getting further and further inbetween, but when under a lot of pressure and depressed, the urge still comes up.

i think, for me, this is because i cut for just under 10 years before i stopped.  it was a habit, a comfort, a knee jerk reaction.  i may have learned to live without my dysfunctional comfort blankie, but i still crave it when the chips are down.  perhaps it is something like this for you?

remember that SI is an addictive behavior. 

i think it's natural that these thoughts would come up again, and the thoughts aren't wrong, just work as hard as you can to not give in. 

I'm not comfortable talking with any of my friends about this, though I will bring it up at my next pdoc appointment.  I feel like it's too messed up for how bad I feel, which is not very bad.

i've never found there to be a 1:1:1 relationship between a triggering event : the emotional reaction to that event : the person's response to the first two things.  some days the smallest things can really set you off, you know?

i'm glad you're going to talk to your pdoc about this.  i hope he/she will have some good suggestions to help you with this.

penny

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Hi M.A.G,

Don't feel like it is a personal failing or yours to have these feelings return.

The most encouraging thing is that you have a med cocktail that has worked for you. 

One thing about lithium (and possibly other meds) is that its effectiveness, and blood levels, can vary with time, seasons and how your illness is overall.  This is well documented. 

As you said, be sure to tell your Pdoc.  Hopefully he will do some bloodwork and check the serum levels for the lithium. It may take nothing more than an as small increase to bring it back up to a therapeutic level.

Use all your compensation skills to avoid SI. If it is still overwhelming then call your Pdoc, tell them what is going on and that it is urgent that you get in early.

Feel free to come back here and post if talking about it helps.  Many of us have been thru this as well.

A.M.

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congratulations on not self injuring for so long.  that's very comendable. 

Thanks, although I'm not really sure it was something I did - I just didn't have any urges to resist. 

i don't know how long you did SI before your stopped.  i know for me it's been 2 years since i've cut.  but when i'm hit with a wave of depression and anxiety, the urge to cut still pops right into my head.  the urges are getting further and further inbetween, but when under a lot of pressure and depressed, the urge still comes up.

i think, for me, this is because i cut for just under 10 years before i stopped.  it was a habit, a comfort, a knee jerk reaction.  i may have learned to live without my dysfunctional comfort blankie, but i still crave it when the chips are down.  perhaps it is something like this for you?

remember that SI is an addictive behavior. 

I SI'd for under six months leading up to getting put on lithium.  I'd done some a much longer time ago as a result of depo provera.  Maybe it really is that addictive...but if so I don't understand why I didn't have any problems up until now.

i think it's natural that these thoughts would come up again, and the thoughts aren't wrong, just work as hard as you can to not give in. 

Have managed not to so far. hope it keeps up.

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happy ending (or maybe happy middle of story) - after a lamictal raise kicked in, I stopped feeling urges to hurt and kill myself.  I will probably still ask for a lithium level check, though.  I haven't had one in a long time.

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