Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Borderline Bitch from Hell


Recommended Posts

Unfortunately I succumbed to the voices and tried to kill myself on Wednesday evening. I know you will all balk at me saying so but objectively speaking it was quite an hilarious escapade with moments of pitch black comedy (though not for my poor woebegone mother)

The fun started when I mutilated my left hand very badly and took 20 zimovane, a packet of phenergan, a packet of nytol, some Robaxin and Syndol. I bought a razor blade with me into the hospital and they had to bust down the door of the toilets to get me out, I had slashed myself from head to toe. Then they tried hooking me up to a heart monitor but I went rampaging around the casualty department shrieking about giant bugs. They kept putting me into bed and hooking up drips etc, but I kept absconding. Then I passed out and the next thing I know Im in a wheelchair facing my psychiatrist and hes staring at me with a tragic look on his face and tears in his eyes (I shit you not!!!!) for about 30 seconds, he asks me if I think i should be in hospital, I said "well look at the state of me, oh theres a white guinea pig under your chair" (I cut a pitiful figure covered in blood stitches and gore) He replies very nastily "Well you are only staying for a couple of days max and if theres any alcohol you are out" to which I replied "well I managed to avoid cannabis for 2 years only to be offered a joint the very first night I was in the hospital over the summer" He looks at me like Im a piece of dogshit stuck to the sole of his shoe. In true borderline fashion, My psychiatrist has gone from being an object of adoration to an object of contempt in the blink of an eyelid.

Next thing I know Im in the smoking room of the hospital chatting to my pal ******* who I met there last stay and has since had a relapse of psychosis. While Im talking to him I notice that he is swarming with lice, his hair and his beard are moving all over the place. I deliver this news to him in blunt fashion, then I look around and see that everyone is in fact swarming with lice. Through a crack in the ceiling ants start appearing followed by Lilliputian sized lions trying to eat them and minature Egyptian Pharoahs with clubs. Everyones sitting there casually discussing my thoughts and actions. My cousin walks in with a bag of clothes. Then I start reading palms and become very popular "Wow you were spot on" Everyone wants my phone number so I can do tarot readings for them. Money and cigarettes are thrown in my direction. I collapse into bed. 

Next morning I decide to discharge myself to the palpable relief of the staff, especially the psychiatrist who leaves me with this parting gem of wisdom: "Stay away from alcohol" well duh!!!! The whole hallucinatory thing has made me want to take shrooms, it was awesome! Those cute little lions! As I walk out of the hospital a young girl on constant suicide obs is sobbing her eyes out and being comforted by a nurse! I want to be that girl!!! I want comfort instead of scorn! I want to be the centre of attention! I want the drama on me! And then it hits me, truly I am the biggest borderline bitch from hell ever to grace Gods Green earth!  :)   ;)   :P

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks Karuna!

Now I dont feel so bad about myself!  :P YOur comments were very soothing

I always self harm at this time of year very heavily between October and December since 1988 when my sister was paralysed from the neck down in an accident. This time I have felt possessed by the spirit of a dead woman who committed suicide last Christmas Eve and wants me to join her. I cant honestly say what triggered these episodes, just a terrible overwhelming compulsion. I think I was hell bent on doing something and noone could have talked me out of it.

Im on a waiting list to see a psychologist but as you know the NHS is so overstretched god knows when that will be.  ;) And I see a CPN for the psychosis and a social worker for my addictions, but havent seen them recently. But on the upside I think I have gotten enough self destructiveness out of the way to last me a while  :)

Thanks again karuna, you really are a wonderfully warm and insightful person and I know you have your own demons to fight. I hope you are keeping well xxx

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hi blackbird,

karuna makes a lot of sense. i am not bpd nor have i had a psychotic episode. but there is no way in hell that you deserve what you've experienced.

karuna seems to understand so well what you are experiencing. words are hard things to follow, but please follow those they have posted. i cannot imagine how frightening it must be to encounter psychosis, but i'm here in the every day world cheering for you.

take care and really look after yourself,

grouse.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

And then it hits me, truly I am the biggest borderline bitch from hell ever to grace Gods Green earth!  :)   ;)   :P

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

oh, stop!  you are not "the biggest borderline bitch from hell ever to grace Gods Green earth!"  i cannot tell you how many times i have said similar things about myself.  the fact of the matter is that to have BPD means that you go through such hurt, pain, and just all sorts of other emotions... the depth of which is almost impossible to describe. 

i'm sorry that things got pretty bad and that you felt that there was no other way out:

I cant honestly say what triggered these episodes, just a terrible overwhelming compulsion. I think I was hell bent on doing something and noone could have talked me out of it.
i know what that's like... all too well.... so i can sympathize with how you feel.  I'm actually sort of caught up in that right now.  Not to go into detail about my situation, but i know how it can feel to be in a place where you know you are going to go something to yourself no matter what anyone else says and no matter how good their arguement might be....the path you are about to take just seems inevitable....and its scary.

As I walk out of the hospital a young girl on constant suicide obs is sobbing her eyes out and being comforted by a nurse! I want to be that girl!!! I want comfort instead of scorn! I want to be the centre of attention!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

it isnt wrong to think what you are... i have too.  i think a lot about how i wish i could be treated differently by others.... if something happens, rather than being labeled, insulted, treated unfairly, etc, I think about how maybe at that one second possibly all I want/need is to be comforted... be able to break down and cry and be told that it's alright and that everything is going to be ok..... i dont know, my thought are really unclear and fragmented....sorry...

blackbird, I am very glad that you are alright.  I know all too well how frightening this can be.  I'm here if you ever need anything, so dont heitate to PM if the urge arises

be well and take care of yourself

~Ophelia~

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Gosh what a trip  ;)

I had a short trip when I was 16, woke up from a dead sleep and saw a flying saucer come out of the wall vent and then lava started to flow into the room from the vent ... but I wasn't drunk or anything.

I just registerd last night, because my sister told me about these crazyboards and when I saw some of the stuff I knew It was filled with cool people 'Ya gots 2 b cool 2 b crazy is my modo'

In my case I dont' need drugs or booze to be cool, it all comes to me naturally.

Oh, well I just thought I'd check out this board because I have DID with many MPs, so I'll go check out some other post and see what else is tripping.

Love and Light

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi echonchaos2u and welcome to the boards!

Well I have behaved myself over Christmas primarily because my mother says she will section me and throw me out of the house the next time I try anything stupid  :)

karuna Posted Dec 25 2005, 01:11 AM

  I hope that we all have a peaceful Christmas Day.

Blackbird, if a lesson is to be learnt, you're the kind of person who will learn it. I guess that you could push for seeing your CPN after Christmas to talk what happened over and get some real life assurance that you're not evil and you do deserve comfort. Yes I have my demons, but don't we all, not as bad as yours seemed to be the other day, and if I suffer it only means that I can help be an ear for others who do and need to talk. As always, pm or email me if ever you need me.

Im going to see my CPN on Friday so that shall be good fun, but he's really the psychiatrist's little catamite so Im sure it will just be the usual "wise the hell up" spiel which I probably deserve in any case.  ;)

Hope you all had a good Christmas

Link to comment
Share on other sites

karuna Posted Today, 04:34 PM

  I know that you see the psychiatrist as a bit evil, but from what you said he sounded genuinely upset that you were suffering so much.

But he was so nasty to me! Implying that I was going to get drunk in hospital and telling me I could only stay for a couple of days when all I really wantedf was to be saved from myself and sectioned under his tender loving care...

Sorry, I am totally in love with the guy, this is why Im obsessing about him and what he said. Hes not really evil, hes a nice guy. I once mentioned this site in passing. Bad idea. God if he ever reads this he will know its me I will just drop dead of embarrassment!  ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well the best advice I got was to immediately stop drinking which I know I have to do but isnt the easiest thing in the world if you are a dyed in the wool alkie like me  :P

I raised the issue of survivor guilt with my CPN but he was more interested in talking about the alcohol issue  :) He seems to think that without alcohol there will be no crisis issues which probably does have a ring of truth to it  ;) So gettig sober is the number one priority. Ill be glad to see the New Year.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

;)   :)   :P   :ninja:   :ninja:

Ok, so Ive started having flashbacks to the long lost night at casualty, I can remember going outside for a cigarette and this drunk old smelly man came up to cadge a fag off me. I gave him one and he started trying to kiss me and put his hand up my jumper. He then tried to persuade me to go out into the gardens and tried to drag me away into the grounds. I was so out of my face I was going to follow him. Luckily the receptionist at casualty leapt to my rescue

I also remember being a total pain in the arses to the nurses, smashing a perfume bottle in the bathroom and cutting myself with it, covering the toilet so badly in blood it was out of order, pretending to cry and threatening to run away, screaming for help at the harrassed staff, wasting precious NHS resources and just generally being a stupid borderline bitch from hell in an Emergency Room where there were GENUINELY ill people who hadnt been asking for it.

I feel so disgusted and ashamed of myself that I have mutilated both hands and arms very badly, left it too long to get stitches because I cant face going back to the casualty department, developed a haematoma and an infection. Ive stopped taking all my medication because when I go through SSRI discontinuation syndrome I get suicidal and the next time I end up in hospital I only want to trouble the morgue workers and not the poor A and E nurses.

I seriously fucking hate myself and cant stand to be in my own skin. Dear god please grant me the courage to leap in front off a train or off a cliff so I get my just desserts the next time....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

BB,

You are an ill person, someone with a severe disorder, one that messes with your decisions, perceptions and your behaviour. You are are NOT an attention seeker, a waste of NHS time, you do NOT deserve to leave your wounds untreated or to throw yourself in front of a train. You are a person who is very precious and valuable and needs help comfort and support.

I know that you feels a lot of shame and pain about what happened. Please understand that parts of that night displayed as severely psychotic, to have slashed your that badly would cause shock and that can manifest in weird ways, it sounds as if some patient tried to attack you, you were in a place of weakness, not one of rational sane decision making.

Please do not allow this to derail you or make you feel like you deserve any further self harm or deprivation from help (not allowing yourself medical and psychiatric care is a form of self harm, I believe) please keep posting here so that we can support you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

In fact I am posting again because I feel that you need hugs and support and loving kindness and want you to stay with us and not get down on yourself again.

;) (ninja hugs)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hey black bird.

genuinely ill people? sorry to tell you babe, but you are sick as they come right now. you have every right to walk into casualty and tell them to help you. most of the people turning up to casualty leave without getting admitted - that's hardly "genuinely ill".

maybe go to a different hospital. tell them you were trying to cheer yourself up by going on a little holiday, and so that's why you're out of your area.

be calm. i cannot stress how important this is for greasing the wheels of the health system. it's fucking fucking wrong, but the loud, crazy people get seen last.

ask for help. if you start feeling out of it, or anxious or getting nutty, then tell them as early as possible so they can help you out before it becomes a big issue for them too.

i'm sorry honey. nobody should be stuck in our heads. but we are. dammit. and an infection and haematoma needs help. the staff at casualty will probably be pleased to have something concrete to deal with for a change.

try and keep safe.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for your comforting words stinky and karuna, Im beginning to feel not so self-hatredy now and I have started taking small amounts of medication again. I went to the doctors and got my arms sorted out, they are a bit of a mess but hopefully I'll live through it.

I made a list of all the positive things in my life and I realised that I do have lots of potential. This has cheered me up a bit. I wont be cutting my arms anymore because I found out that the local hospital is riddled with MRSA so that has made me a bit more circumspect. Im still hoarding sleeping tablets but Im trying to figure out what I should do if I have another episode - I think the goal is to reach out to somebody before things get out of hand. Should I ring the doctor? tell my poor sainted mother? phone the Samaritans? all these decisions...

But thanks again for your kind words, they really mean a lot to me.

Blackbird x

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think that having a plan is good but it totally depends on the situation. Like if you feel a balck mood coming on, maybe the Sams would be a good start, but if you feel that you're sitting down with the glass of water and the pills Casualty/your mother is a better option.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've gone a week without drinking, bingeing and purging and cutting! Yay for me! All the while unmedicated and without psychiatric supervision. I feel this is a big step forward for me, my mood has improved without the alcohol, every time I was drinking I was a major liability to myself, all I need to work on now is to quit hoarding pills.  ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...