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Laidback vs. not respecting oneself


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Great post Sat!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You inspire me. I've been reading closely your advise to Danna.

My pattern with respecting myself is, as I said, changing my rules to suit me. But typically when it's not going to be a good outcome.

For example, I am outraged at J right now. The aforementioned parasite who has basically brought me nothing but misery. We have been broken up since February, yes, almost a year. Except for 1 weekend, misadventure (totally at my expense) in October when I went to see him in NY.

I'm not talking about him specifically, but my pattern--the one I want to stop NOW--is the going back and forth. Breaking up with them, then being miserable for a few months, and asking, begging, buying them back. It's like a drug, it really is.

I've been told so many times and I tell other people, if you've broken up once--that's usually enough evidence it ain't gonna work. Except maybe in those cases where it's a marriage, there are kids, there are problems that can truly be resolved, counseling, committment from both parties, etc. But this bullshit that I do, of fuck off, no fuck me now...is crazy. And I think I'm seeing in for what it is in that it's a distraction from healthy intimacy, which I have not been ready for until recently. For a myriad of reasons, but mostly just getting over the dead guy.

It's my belief that the solitary walk through the desert is key. I have been physically cut loose of J for almost a year, and have not been with anyone else. IOW, I didn't go straight into another relationship. I don't feel like I've left this one, even though I haven't seen him in so long! But I have been alone, if you don't count obsessing about the ex. It has given me the chance to learn how to be alone again and to get to that place where I can say, "it's not bad, in fact there are many things I like about being unencumbered." So, in no small way, I am free. I have choices next time, and I'm going to be selecting a life partner, not a distraction from my pain, so I better know what the hell I am about and what I'm *truly* seeking in that partner. Other than a healthy libido.  B)

Thanks, K, you have helped me immeasurably in this thread and the other one Danna started.

Danna, I hope you're listening to K and Croix and the others who are talking with good sense. Let's stop loving losers! 2006--NO LOSERS!

Hugs, S

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I talk from experience, I have got very good at leaving people, but am and always have been disasterous at picking people to start with. I just assumed right from being a teenager that getting breasts and periods and attention from men signalled the start of dating, dating as if it was something that hapened to you, rather than something you chose. I swallowed the typical ideas of 'man the aggressor and woman the receiver' and 'being alone sucks' and did what everyone did. During that time I miscarried a baby, was raped, beaten, verbally abused, stood up, criticised, brainwashed, I lost my possessions, I had to move across the country, I very nearly failed my exams, I made career choices based on my love life... it's wonder I have a life at all now. I have physical and mental scars that may never heal.

Now nine years later, I have a long list of exes that I cannot explain why I ever dated. The shame is enormous. I finally had to courage in January to come out and accept that I was gay, and had been ever since I was little. I had repressed so much to fit in, to deal with the duty that I thought I had to play along. I got the nerve up to date a female friend, and although it was wonderful, it ended amicably. I decided on my 21st birthday in August of this year to be celibate for a year, and am about five months into that. I had to do an all or nothing approach, being so caught up in my BPD patterns I had to break the cycle.

I think that people can make their boundaries out of fear of being unloved, to keep people out, or out of self love, to protect themselves because they're very worthy of love. If you're motivated by the first, the boundaries will weaken or crack, because deep down you believe that you never were worthy to start with. I am certainly not in that place yet, but one day I will be.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You are a woman of extraordinary wisdom, and obviously an old soul.  Good luck on the celibacy thing. I'm done with pardon the expression "fuck buddies", so I'm in a voluntary celibate mode too, since February. I *relapsed*  ;) once, a few months ago. I'd have to say it was worth it. But I know I can't do the sport sex thing. For sex to be good for me, I have to have that ego boundary dissolving thingee happen, and when that happens then attachment to the person begins. If sex isn't soulful it's not worth it, and for it to be soulful it has to include the warm fuzzy stuff. I think this might be a conundrum.

Thank god Cymbalta has thrown a wet blanket on my libido. And before someone else suggests masturbation, to me that's like, "well, duh." I have no issues with autoerotica. It just gets boring after awhile. Yeah the release is good, and good for me (and probably those around me too, as I tend to get irritable when I'm sexually frustrated), but after awhile it's just like, ho, hum. Skin to skin.all the times we stayed up

"all thru the night

laughing and dancing 'til the sun come out

then later, when we're lying together

even our stomachs...

they're speaking to each other

i kiss the ground, i run my fingers through the earth

yes it feels so good to be alive" -- Luscious Jackson

S

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I talk from experience, I have got very good at leaving people, but am and always have been disasterous at picking people to start with. I just assumed right from being a teenager that getting breasts and periods and attention from men signalled the start of dating, dating as if it was something that hapened to you, rather than something you chose. I swallowed the typical ideas of 'man the aggressor and woman the receiver' and 'being alone sucks' and did what everyone did. During that time I miscarried a baby, was raped, beaten, verbally abused, stood up, criticised, brainwashed, I lost my possessions, I had to move across the country, I very nearly failed my exams, I made career choices based on my love life... it's wonder I have a life at all now. I have physical and mental scars that may never heal.

Now nine years later, I have a long list of exes that I cannot explain why I ever dated. The shame is enormous. I finally had to courage in January to come out and accept that I was gay, and had been ever since I was little. I had repressed so much to fit in, to deal with the duty that I thought I had to play along. I got the nerve up to date a female friend, and although it was wonderful, it ended amicably. I decided on my 21st birthday in August of this year to be celibate for a year, and am about five months into that. I had to do an all or nothing approach, being so caught up in my BPD patterns I had to break the cycle.

I think that people can make their boundaries out of fear of being unloved, to keep people out, or out of self love, to protect themselves because they're very worthy of love. If you're motivated by the first, the boundaries will weaken or crack, because deep down you believe that you never were worthy to start with. I am certainly not in that place yet, but one day I will be.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You are a woman of extraordinary wisdom, and obviously an old soul.

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