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How was everyone's Christmas?


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;) As soon as the kids were in bed I opened the fifth of Luksusowa vodka. My favorite. It was ice cold. I hadn't had liquor in months. Took my first drink. Did all my parently duties for Christmas Eve. Continued drinking. Heated up a fork on the burner and burned my forearm with it. I felt seriously compelled to do it. It felt good. I finished the bottle and went outside. I don't really remember a lot of this but I smashed the bottle and was trying to cut the same arm as I'd previously burned. I succeeded but only so-so. I wasn't trying to kill myself I was just feeling so angry I had to do something and hurting others (except for random douchebags in traffic who cut you off) is not acceptable. So I hurt myself. My wife later commented on the bleed streaming down my arm as we sat and smoked cigarettes. I said it was an accident which she of course knows is bullshit. I swore last week I wouldn't ruin Christmas like my Father nearly did with his suicide attempts when I was a child but it seems like I almost did anyway. Christmas sucks. If not for my lids I'd fucking cancel it for good. I hate sitting in a room with all those people even the ones in my family and talking about bullshit. Why do I take 1800mg of lithium and various other shit if this is all I have to show for it. Stability. I feel like I'm coming apart sometimes. That's a hard thing when you're the breadwinner and have 3 people depending on you. No more liquor.
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hi tiredofit,

my christmas wasn't as bad as yours. i have depression and always get into depressions at festive things like parties or holidays. i woke up christmas morning feeling really blah. and my mood worsened throughout the morning. then i went for a hike for an hour and was feeling worse at the end of it before i bumped into some tourists on the tram down from the mountain and for whatever reason it made me feel a bit better. my family knows i am trying to hold it together for them so they forgive me when i screw up, like not getting my dad anything for christmas, and only getting my nephew a single, little book, and picking up my niece a little cheapo jigsaw puzzle at the mountain's gift shop today.

so i'm not feeling so hot but there isn't anything anyone can do about it. i'm on effexor which i think is fucking useless. and seroquel which pretty much makes it possible for me to keep living.

so, yeah i'm not hurting as bad as you, but i know how hard it can be during holidays so you have my sympathies.

look after yourself,

grouse.

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Tiredofit,

The holidays are really difficult if you've had bad associations with them in the past. You mention your dad's suicide attempts.

But, you know what? It's just a day like many other days. Some people feel they have to do certain things or have expectations that they will feel good and Christmas-y no matter what they do. I say to hell with trying to fit into the round hole. If you are square peg, then just do what you like to do. I know with kids there is some difficulty as they get suckered into the whole commercial part of the holidays, but really, what do you like to do most with your kids and wife? Put aside some family time next holiday season to do that and that alone.

Of course, drinking and SI are off the list of activities for next time, you know.

Take care,

Weasel

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Guest FrannyNZooey

I did the really wanted to die, seriously try to kill myself two Christmas ago. I was found, revived, woke to pain, tubes, IV's, bright freaking lights and noise.

Guess how a new born feels coming into this world, not very warm or fuzzy at first. But hopefully they will have a chance at better.

I of course did not feel that way. I felt I just fucked up another thing. When asked by nurse how feeling, I replied ,"kind of not too great, guess trying to kill yourself is hard on your body."

The nurse turned away looking appalled. At that moment I really did not care, for I was not meant to still be here.

But then, my teen son's eyes when came to my house and yelled at me. Long story there, and must tell you no improvement in relationship. All the work, prayers I tried, why I felt not worth living. But now have to.

For after that one and only time, I promised him never, never again.

Never, have I thought of it, except the hurt in his eyes. So not about me. All about him. Bottom line, no matter how bad, how good.

I now know again, as I had thought would have known always.

My life is not just mine, it is also all those for whom I am connected with, all those I love, all those that love me.

I am so thankful I did not place such suffering on my children.

I pray always they will grow to forgive, and the memory, pain lessen for knowledge that was my desire.

Hell of a thought to live with, that you know you were planning to do such, especially to know your children will always feel you just did not love them enough.

So, still not seeing children. They do not want to yet.

Christmas was the best I could make it. For that I feel Blessed.

Aly

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Guest PinkToo2grrl

I pray always they will grow to forgive, and the memory, pain lessen for knowledge that was my desire.
They will Aly, they will ...  keep that knowledge close to your heart.

pinky,

who thinks of her mom and smiles now where the rage used to be

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Guest PinkToo2grrl

my christmas was weird.  no excitement.  flat, going through the motions.  my family is scattered, all wrapped up in their own hells and torments.  no where to go really, so quiet time at home with the wife, which was nice enough, but there was something missing.  guess it could be worse.  much worse.  so i'll settle for being grateful, but i wish i could have felt something, anything at all.

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So not about me. All about him. Bottom line, no matter how bad, how good.

I now know again, as I had thought would have known always.

My life is not just mine, it is also all those for whom I am connected with, all those I love, all those that love me.

Aly, thank you, first of all, for sharing so honestly your story. That takes guts, just like living when we desperately don't want to.

I have 2 kids I stay alive for. I had a close shave this summer, changed meds, changed attitudes, etc. I was hospitalized, my 17 y.o. and his g.f. were the only people who came to visit me. No one else even called.

You are right, unfortunately, when we bring people into the world we raise the stakes and the variables in the choice to live or die are not the same anymore. My Uncle hung himself a few days before my oldest was born. His 3 sons were all teenagers, they are all still sooooooooooo damaged.

So, still not seeing children. They do not want to yet.

Christmas was the best I could make it. For that I feel Blessed.

Keep staying alive and they will come around, and more than likely sooner than later. Your message sounds strong. Feeling blessed is itself a blessing, IMO.

I live in So. Central PA. If you want to correspond on a more personal level, PM me. It's always comforting to know there are like minded individuals nearby.

Stay strong!

S

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No more liquor.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Yeah, that sounds like a pretty sensible idea. I hope you're not feeling too crappy today. Well, it's tomorrow now.

The best part of this Christmas for me was that after years of pleading with my parents to not spend money on presents for me, but to give to the Hospice that took care of B instead, this year they actually did!

This means so much to me, on so many levels, not the least of which is that in some way I feel like they are finally starting to accept that my non-Christian spirituality works for me--even if they can't even begin to grasp it--and that the materialism and circus atmosphere of Christmas bums me out.  S

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had no liquor, that's good.

had a good time present/social wise.

today i just freaked after eating at my aunt's house.  luckily i had a clonazepam on hand for emergencies.  god the whole family was there to witness it....thankfully it wasn't too bad, i was just sort of...paralysed.

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Christmas day was fine, if a little dull. But yeah, reasonable overall. Ate too much, didn't drink....good little me.

Family coming up to day. Arghhh.

Min- I feel your pain. I'm slowly spending more and more time hypomanic, yesterday I started hallucinating again, so guess a really big spaz out mania's coming. Upped my Seroquel another 100mg (pdoc is away so made an executive decision) but nothing seems to help. Alas. Anyway, I have family here for the next week- so yeah. Anyone want to place bets on the chances of me going batshit in front of them?

To everyone that had a shitty Christmas- thinking of you.

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Guest FrannyNZooey

Pink~ you know I always think of you, and how much your story hit me, made me freeze, then sob.

I so wish I had come here two years earlier.

Thank you again for your words of encouragement for I know how much they mean.

Saturn~ I had two brothers killed, one had three children, youngest son just 11, oldest daughter 17 to graduate from High school that year.  I saw first hand what pain loss of a parent did to a child.

Yet I became so dark, so different, as if I could no longer bear anymore new days, new years.

It is so hard to explain to someone how you can reach such a point, unless they have been there.

It is Hell, and you just so badly want, need to escape.

Truly it only took just seeing also that only my teen son came, cared enough to yell, hold, fight back tears in eyes, some falling, making him madder. That picture will never escape my mind.

So, no matter how dark, I must and I do fight it.

I made my son a promise.

Aly

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If I average everything the day was okay. But, I'm not going to fool myself. In the morning family came over to open presents. Once they left to go to church my husband felt the need to tell me I had "ruined" his day. It wasn't even 11 am. He wanted to know why was I such a bitch. Why can't I act nice? I told him why was he letting me ruin his day. I told him I was acting as "nice and normal" as I could.

He left the room. When I went to find him, he was in our room with the door locked. He told me was sleeping. I got irate. He wouldn't let me in. I had been the one watching our baby all day. I felt like shit and wanted to go to bed myself. I went off. I told him to unlock the door or I was going to cut the door down. He told me to "go ahead." So I did. I put the baby down for a nap then I took our camp ax and cut a fucking hole in the door so I could reach in and unlock the door.

So of course he tells me what an idiot I am. Why did I do that? I ruined a door that had been in the house for 40 years.

Believe it or not we're able to move past it. The rest of the day went fine.

- Atsiv

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Christmas day sucked.  My husband and I celebrated our Xmas on the 23rd because we both have a hard time with Xmas.  That was wonderful, all that I could have hoped for.  We did one big gift for the both of us and then I got him some little things b/c I wanted to.  (Ok I was a little hurt that he didn't get me anything for just me but oh well, right?)  We played Xmas music all day and had a nice dinner, some wine; I baked cookies.  We spent the day together in front of the fire place.  It was wonderful.

Then Xmas day rolls around.  We are both on guard.  I am nearly in tears the whole day, missing my kids, thinking of the Xmas mornings I had with them in the past.  They are 5 and 8.  I spend most of the time trying to fight back my tears.  DH askes me what I want to do for the day, and I tell him I don't know.  So he starts putting our present together which makes me mad that he doesn't want to spend the day with me.  I suggest doing some things but at this point he is already involved in his projects.  I call my son.  We talk.  My mom gets on the phone and tells me what a shit my xh is being.  I get pissed off and tell DH about it.  He tells me he doesn't want to hear about it.  By this point I am so overwhelmed, feeling like dirt for leaving my little one in that mess and I can't let it go.  DH gets pissed.  We argue, he hates arguing.  I can't stop, filled with rage.  He calls me names, I scream at him, he breaks my table top Xmas tree, I cry.  I try to save my tree but he makes me throw it out.  He says he wants me gone.  That he hates me. I fall apart.  Crying, suicidal.  I dissassociate to stop the constant pain.  Can't speak.  Sort of moaning.  He gets mad.  Pulls me out of my head.  The pain is back, stronger than before.  I want to die.  I need to die.  I cry and tell him how suicidal I am, he holds me, rubs my back, understands.  I finally feel a bit of the comfort I've been searching for my whole life.  He saved me in that moment. I was a minute or two away from that desperate act. Again, he saves me from myself. 

Things are still bad, still not right.  I know I break everything I touch. I want to be better but I don't know how.  I hate myself for this. I have to make this right.

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Well, I woke up all alone in my little apartment...I put the presents under the tree, turned on the radio on Xmas carols and resisted the impulse to start drinking rigth away because my kids would be visiting that afternoon. They are in foster care.

So my kids visited in the afternoon, I had this table full of snacks and some fake cider. They opened their presents and then I went to work on setting up all the stuff that was "assembly required"...took like 2 hrs. Some of the presents were board games and we tried them out. Then we sang and danced to Xmas music till they were picked up at 6pm.

After that, I had dinner with my SO...and got drunker than I've been in a long long time. Smoked a joint. Had sex. That kind of thing; a party of two.

I got a few presents. My kids game candles and body mist and one of those really fancy notebooks. My SO, a gucci purse and some chocolates (caramels, and I don't like them) and some other small stuff but the best was a Guns 'n Roses videos DVD...man I love love love that. Cool.

So, not bad. But I was still sad cus I miss the big extended family I used to have as a kid. I feel lonely, even if I'm not, techincally.

Sorry it sucked for so many of you...I guess I should'nt complain.

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