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I'm going through a very severe depression right now. I have had ADD since I was a child, and have been on medications for that from childhood through adulthood, with a several year break. I went back on the adderall 5 months ago. It seemed to help my focus for a while, but lately I have had a depression so overpowering that I can barely do anything. I am in a relationship with my girlfriend that has many difficulties: She has a debilitating autoimmune disorder that frequently leaves her paralyzed. She is prone to frequent episodes of agonizing pain, and I am forced to watch as I try to help her. We have issues of codependency. I try to help her and be kind to her, but it seems that every action I take is stupid and insensitive and wrong. I think it would be best if I just disappeared from the world, but I won't actually kill myself. I just want to disappear.

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Welcome to CB! It's tough taking care of a loved one when you yourself are not well. But kudos for all that you do. I'm sure your girlfriend appreciates it all, even if sometimes you don't know what to do. I'm sorry that you are slipping down the rabbit hole of depression. It's not fun; been there, done that. However, there is hope. I have found a cocktail that has been helping me immensely, and you will do the same.

Do you have a psychiatrist? I would also recommend getting a therapist. I have found that therapists are immensely helpful for helping situational depression and stress.

Welcome again to our little funny farm. If you have any questions, please feel free to PM me or any other staff member and we will do our best to answer them.

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I have a therapist, but I am not sure that she is capable enough to really help me. I am seeking out a psychiatrist and a psychologist and group therapy. I can't go a single day without having a terrible outburst of sadness and illness plunge me into a desire to not exist. My life would be easy if I just didn't have to be alive. It feels like too much now.

 

 

Welcome to CB! It's tough taking care of a loved one when you yourself are not well. But kudos for all that you do. I'm sure your girlfriend appreciates it all, even if sometimes you don't know what to do. I'm sorry that you are slipping down the rabbit hole of depression. It's not fun; been there, done that. However, there is hope. I have found a cocktail that has been helping me immensely, and you will do the same.

Do you have a psychiatrist? I would also recommend getting a therapist. I have found that therapists are immensely helpful for helping situational depression and stress.

Welcome again to our little funny farm. If you have any questions, please feel free to PM me or any other staff member and we will do our best to answer them.

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I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you can get a psychiatrist sooner rather than later and also a better therapist. In the meantime, while you are waiting to see a psychiatrist, could you talk to a GP? The GP could perhaps at least get you started on some meds.

That being sad every day sucks. You should not have to suffer like this. As I mentioned above, there is hope.

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 I have actually gone through my GP to get meds. He is actually the sweetest, best GP I have ever had, but I fear he is not an expert on psychiatric meds. I came to him with my concerns about depression several months ago, and he gave me buproprion, because I said that in my adolescence I did okay with wellbutrin. The buproprion gave me immediate flu-like symptoms and intense anxiety. I went back to him complaining of these effects and he immediate switched me to lexipro. Soon after I took my first dose, I went into a near-psychotic episode of anxiety and hyper-focused fear. I felt like Gollum in his caves, turning his head at every sound that echoed through the rocks. Again I went back to him, and he gave me effexor. That time I read about it and was so afraid of the side effects and withdrawal stories that I didn't even try it. 

I'm open to trying it, or other things. I'm ready to try anything now. I just want to do so under the supervision of someone who is allegedly a specialist. Someone who can listen to what I've gone through and will perhaps be able to make a more informed choice about what to try next. I know antidepressants have a long warm up period, but my first two tries completely debilitated me.

At this point, I have reason to believe that my lack of insight and depression are so deep and unhealthy that I need a specialized environment in which to receive treatment. 

I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you can get a psychiatrist sooner rather than later and also a better therapist. In the meantime, while you are waiting to see a psychiatrist, could you talk to a GP? The GP could perhaps at least get you started on some meds.

That being sad every day sucks. You should not have to suffer like this. As I mentioned above, there is hope.

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I hear you on the specialized environment. Unfortunately without a psychiatrist, it is nearly impossible to get admitted to a hospital unless you are a danger to yourself or others. And even then it's tough because beds (places) are so few.

It is common that SSRIs (like Lexapro) induce anxiety before they begin helping, ironically even helping with anxiety. Some doctors will prescribe a benzo to help get you through the first week or two. I take citalopram which is the same psychoactive molecule as escitalopram (Lexapro), and I can attest to its efficacy against anxiety. It really helps my anxiety even better than a benzo. I'm not too familar with Effexor though I did take it several years ago. It's tough to get off, but there are strategies to wean people off painlessly (such as using Prozac to taper off the Effexor). The bottom line is that a good psychiatrist can get you through anything.

However, I urge you to stick with a med once you decide to take it. The initial side effects are just that - initial. They either go away completely or lessen in intensity so as to not even be noticeable. Quitting meds too early could possibly lead to treatment resistance.

I agree that lack of insight is a problem with depression. We tend to view everything through the depressed lens and listen to the lies depression tells us. However, the right meds will clear that up, and you are certainly not so deep that you can't be pulled out. 

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