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Britton

Really need some advice/derealization/anxiety/medical marijuana

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Hello all! I'm really struggling, have been since the end of this past December. Long story as short as possible, I stopped sleeping in October 2014-December - 10 months ago. My OCD ruminating thinking and compulsive thinking got very bad during this time and the insomnia continued. On December 19th I had a bad panic attack that threw me into a state of derealization. I have been stuck this way ever since- nearly 9 months. 

Over the 9 months things have progressively gotten worse. I have had vertigo since the derealization started, but it was somewhat manageable. Over the past 2 months it has become unbearable. The only relief I get from the vertigo is laying on the couch. It has especially gotten worse over the past 2 weeks to where I'm almost spinning. It's the worst feeling. I can't stand it anymore. When walking down the aisle of a grocery store-which I rarely do, but went with my husband today- everything appears tilted, almost like it's upside down. Super scary. 

I am almost constantly in a state of fight or flight. I have insomnia, but if I am lucky/unlucky enough to fall asleep I have nightmares or night terrors. My skin feels like it's on fire and pins and needles from anxiety and I often vomit because my stomach is in knots. I have also developed a nasty case of agoraphobia. 

my OCD ruminating thinking is out of control always thinking the worst case scenario, or just scary weird thoughts or songs looping over and over in my head. Sometimes I have uncontrollable suicidial ideation. I'm constantly testing my brain to see if I can remember things ie. Celebrity names, street names, old friends names, etc. it's so weird, and I can't let it go until I figure it out. 

My my memory and focus is terrible. It almost feels like dementia. At times I feel cognitively inept like my brain has completely shut down. 

I am currently on 40 mg geodon, 50 mg Zoloft, 25 mg elavil (mainly for migraines) 3 mg prozasin at night and 1 mg Ativan 3 x a day. But nothing seems to help. I have been in 3 inpatient facilities since December being diagnosed with GAD, panic disorder, derealization and OCD but no one or nothing gives me relief. Some doctors say I have bipolar "tendencies" but not enough so to diagnose me with it. I don't get it. They say my racing thoughts and racy feeling, insomnia, irritability etc. may be more from OCD and anxiety then from bipolar. 

I am at my wits end. Not sure how much longer I can take this. Out of desperation yesterday I tried some high CBD low THC marijuana that my nephew bought for me at a medical marijuana dispensary. I took one TINY hit. Last night I felt that it helped with the anxiety, but not the derealization. I took another tiny hit this morning and then another this afternoon. The derealization is awful. I'm not sure if this marijuana has made me feel bad, or if I would have felt this way anyway, but the mental and physical anxiety seems to be a bit better. I know pot is a big no no for derealization, but because it has virtually no THC, I thought it would be worth a try. The strain is called AC/DC and is not supposed to have any psychoactive effect. I hope I didn't cause more damage or prolong this episode (that is if I was ever going to come out of it) is trying this form of medical marijuana a bad idea? 

does anyone have any advice for me? I'm so scared. I just want to feel better, better than I am now would be fine at this point. 

 

Edited by Britton

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Anxiety can cause dp;dr. Does your OCD cause you anxiety? It could be that your OCD running rampant is leading to the dp;dr. Dissociation can also present as vertigo. Also, vertigo can be treated with meds, although I mis-remember how exactly. Does your doc know that it's gotten this horrible? I wonder if they can help you to regain control.

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thanks for your reply winterrosie! I tried meclazine for vertigo back in December and again in February, but it made me feel awful, very speedy and didn't help my vertigo. the psychiatrists don't  know what to do with me. I've seen so many over the past 8 months. Unfortunately I almost always have adverse reactions to medications. Nothing calms me down, (I've tried everything from zyprexa to depakote to seroquel and a dozen or so more) including benzodiazepines. That's why I tried the marijuana. I really need my body to just calm down so that I can heal to some degree. 

I do think my OCD is what sparked all of this. in retrospect, that was my first clue that things were going downhill.  My mind never shuts down and just relaxes. I'm starting with a new therapist tomorrow. Im praying to God that she will be able to help me learn to cope with this. I'm just so worried that I'm going to be stuck like this forever.  Will this ever get better? Will I have to live this way for the rest of my life? I'm 39 years old with a beautiful son and husband, but I'm unable to enjoy life these days :(

Edited by Britton

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If you check out the OCD board you'll find that you can target the OCD with therapy. 

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I feel very similiar as far as dissociation. I just started feeling this way badly a couple weeks ago, like im on auto pilot or something. I do know that ive felt this way before, after smoking pot. It just hasn't gone away. I have also felt suicide was my only option several times but know its not the answer. I just started therapy. Hoping meds help, god i hope this gets better. Sorry i cant be of any help to you but its a little relieving knowing im not the only one feeling this fearful experience. I also feel the need to remind and quiz myself constantly about who i am where i am who people are and ect... almost feel dreamy, unreal like pinching myslef to see if i feel it. I hope you get better soon! 

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I only had issues with dissociation for a short time.  It was like watching someone else be "me"   Thankfully a small dose of Valium always worked to help click me back into reality.

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