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i loose all my creativity when i take Geodon.  i loose my muses, who are my BEST FRIENDS IN THE WHOLE WORLD, the people who fucking support me and save me from taking the plunge to hell.

i cannot write.

i cannot think.

i am asleep all god damned day.

so i'm pretty much non-compliant at the moment.  at my last tdoc appointment i was scolded by both my tdoc and my mother for fiddling with my meds.  BUT i would never do this if it weren't for the clonazepam to keep me in check.  i want to be myself.  i want my friends back.  but i also don't want to be depressed all the fucking time then manic a few days then blaaaahhh.

my muses are telling me not to take my Geodon or a low dose of it (and i agree, if i didn't i would ignore them) for fear they will disappear again.  i don't want that.  my tdoc says even if i go the mood stabilizer (topomax, etc) route it'll still make them go away.  is this true?  i want to be stable, but i also want my life back.  i want to be a writer.  but with these meds i cannot do that, i have no way of putting the words down.  i have the ideas, the flashes of inspiration, but when i actually sit down to write, nothing.

i feel happy some days, and some days not.  but most days i just feel like a shell with no snail inside.

suggestions, words of wisdom?

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I feel ya.  There are other meds besides Geodon.  Seeing as I just forgot if you had your rx at the bottom, I can't see what you've already been on.  When I was choreographing, I went through the same thing with med compliance, I wouldn't take my meds the night before I had to teach a class or choreograph a piece.  I felt dead, empty, everything I tried was a fragmented, emotionless mess.  There were positions, but I was relying on my background, because the personalness was missing. 

Same thing right now with my writing on the Topamax, but not nearly as bad.  I've been going back and forth trying to decide if the rage control on the Topa is worth my fluency and creativity.

On plain Zyprexa or Seroquel I had nowhere near the problems that I do now. 

I think that you should have a heart-to-heart with your pdoc.  If you find this an unacceptable side effect, which I did, because it was my heart and soul, not to mention my occupation, he/she can give you options.  Just stopping without telling anyone may not be beneficial to anyone. ;)

Good luck to you. :)

JBella

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I took geodon for a whole year and all that I could do was sit on the couch all day.  Luckily I have no job.  I switched to Trileptal and feel much better.  I still can't function fully but I am doing more.  It's only been about a month since I switched.  At the beginning of the switch I couldn't sleep because I was used to the dead sleep of Geodon so the doc had me add a little geodon back in and taper off it. I also take klonopin and wellbutrin. Good luck!

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Sometimes your creativity returns after you have taken a med for a while. Like the sleepiness from Zyprexa, it goes away after a couple of weeks.

Thing is, you have to keep taking it consistantly for a while. My husband always hated doing that. He would take the meds for a little while and stop. Eventually it catches up to you. Now, at 42, his BP is much harder to treat.

That being said, his creativity is fine with lamictal. Since he is a writer, he has to keep his creative abilities together.

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That being said, his creativity is fine with lamictal. Since he is a writer, he has to keep his creative abilities together.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

that is a med i have been considering.  my friend is on it and apparently it works for her.  we seem to have the same problems and the same tolerance....it's odd.

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i want to be myself.  i want my friends back.  but i also don't want to be depressed all the fucking time then manic a few days then blaaaahhh.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I used to think that being medicated meant I wouldn't be nearly as smart or creative or whatever.  I resisted treatment for a long time.  Having done so, I find that my disease has done all the things I worried meds would do.  I am an idiot.  I can't concentrate on anything.  I find myself searching for words all the time.  Writing this damn reply is exhausting my poor little brain.  I used to be smart and creative and every once and awhile, brilliant.  Not so much anymore.

If you need to try some different meds to try to find something that doesn't repress your creativity, do so.  But I would advise against going unmedicated. 

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Sometimes it seems like the meds make things worse overall and in the long run, at least for me.

I "normally" play guitar for an hour or two every day.  I work sporadically at recording music with a home studio setup that I have been streamlining.  I've been doing this stuff for a lot of years and it's all a big part of my life.

Since I started taking Topamax I haven't picked up my instruments at all or worked on my studio setup.

I can be the hottest guitar player in the world (a legend in my own mind ha ha) but right now I'm a big zero.

My hands are cold a lot and feel weak and my hands and feet tingle a lot after exercise or after I take a shower.  I just don't have "it", and I don't "feel" it at all.

I tried Lamictal in the late Spring to early Summer and I felt rather creative.  It made me crave alcohol like crazy which I had quit completely years ago.  I started buying red wine and in the evenings I would drink Burgundy and play guitar while watching TV.  For hours.

I got rashes and had to quit Lamictal.  Sores on my tongue were the last straw.

Anyway I can relate to losing creativity and it does suck real bad.  I'm losing weight on the Topamax which is a huge plus but I will stop taking it once I reach my weight goals because it's just not worth it to lose such a big part of my life. 

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asleep all day sounds pretty good to me

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

i miss everything (meaning going to school or work is out of the question on my current cocktail) while i am asleep and when i finally wake up, i feel like complete and utter shit.  not to mention the shit i get from my parents for 'sleeping all god damned day, you're wasting your life away'.

it's not like i can help it, yknow?

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i miss everything (meaning going to school or work is out of the question on my current cocktail) while i am asleep and when i finally wake up, i feel like complete and utter shit.  not to mention the shit i get from my parents for 'sleeping all god damned day, you're wasting your life away'.

it's not like i can help it, yknow?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

i understand that completely being both a student and working when not in school.  i get shit from my parents all the time when i just wont get up.  of course, i do it all because i am a lazy, moody, self-centered bitch and i dont care about anyone else.  I just came home from school less than 2 weeks ago and my parents have already decided that they dont want to deal with my not getting up and decided that it would be fun to kick me out of the house.  it was really bad.  it isnt my fault, though!  ugh!  anyway, long, loooong story short, im still at home, but i have spoken to some people just in case....

sorry things are difficult for ya.... im here if ya need anything...

xo

~Ophelia

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this isn't to harsh is it?  i find it reasonable.  though i don't really know what reasonable is.

Have I been misinformed; is it not possible to talk to two people at the same time?

Right now, I have no idea where I am and where I am going. I asked my best friend and easiest person to talk to about these sorts of things, [info]mythril to talk to me. Now it being Der's birthday on the 6th, I'm apparently not allowed to talk to her until after that time. There is no ammount of room, not even ten minutes, to talk to me, to help me CALM DOWN. I KNOW he is her husband and he comes first but I am asking for the teeniest of favors and I get slapped in the face. This is not the first time this has happened. I have no one else to talk to, no one else WANTS to talk to me when I'm like this. I don't blame her for not wanting to, but if she comes to me like this, I try to help. But she usually doesn't. She keeps it inside until she blows up in my face.

Not having a SO (and not wishing to), maybe I don't know what it's like. I'll admit I DON'T. But there is no way in hell anything would come before [info]mythril in my case. If something has before, it's been a misunderstanding or I've been in a bad mood. For whatever's happened in the past I APOLOGIZE. I try to be nice, I try not to start shit with you but it always seems that the shit hits the fan. It's because we're so alike, yet so different.

I do everything and anything for her, help her with her layouts, even make them for her yet she insists on paying me for them. I get this in return? And I get the worst scenario possible, the silent treatment. Being ignored to me means you are not loved or cared for. Bullshit. I have tried so hard these 2 (almost 3) years to be her friend and there have been many times where I just want to stop it all. It's not worth it and now I don't even feel like talking to her at all.

Right now I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm being ignored by both her and Der and my mother is not even home to help me. I can't go to the hospital because if I do my only option would be Highland, and there is no way in hell I am going there. That place as cockroaches the size of dollar bills.

I'm trying my best not to light any candles because I know if I play with the lighter I'll end up hurting myself. But does anyone care? NO.

I know everything is not about me, but when it happens that I need help, it just seems that I get smacked over and over until I have no hit points left.

There is no filter for this. At this point I don't care who sees it.

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Min,

it really does not seem to be the best thing for you to be playing around with the doses of your Geodon at the moment.  Believe me, I know all too well what it is like to have your creativity affected by meds and such... and it sucks, hardcore, truly.  it just does not seem to be in your best interest to put yourself through this right now... and without anything else to substitute for it.  I really don't want to seem like i'm lecturing you... in fact, i am kind of being a hypocrite since i have done it many times... but none ended positively...

i am nothing but a scratch on the wall.

don't even say that because it is not true.  from reading your posts, even some of which i hadn't responded to (when i am going through a lot, it takes a great deal out of me to even post a simple reply...), i have come to care about you and your well-being... do not sell yourself short...

now... what are some of the things your are refering to in the above post?

xo

~Ophelia

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i have a deadline and have to write a story by the 5th.  i need my creativity at least until then.  i'll just have to deal with it.

basically from the quote up there i was having a panic attack and a friend wouldn't help me through it because she said her husband came first but i'm not sure i think we worked it out, she has problems of her own and won't even come to tell me them so i of course have no idea on how to help her either.

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basically from the quote up there i was having a panic attack and a friend wouldn't help me through it because she said her husband came first but i'm not sure i think we worked it out, she has problems of her own and won't even come to tell me them so i of course have no idea on how to help her either.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

i understand completely.  relationships like that can be difficult.  ;)

i have a deadline and have to write a story by the 5th.  i need my creativity at least until then.  i'll just have to deal with it.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I know that i do not have the power to change your mind, i just wish that there were some other option you and your pdoc could come up with.  I know you say that you need you creativity to tap into in order to write a story that is due..... and i still totally understand that.... i have done it for the same exact reasons before..... being an actress, i have to play a rape victim in a show i was in.  I felt that the effexor i was on was amazingly effecting my ability to get to the emotional level of the character, so I went from my dose of 375mg to nothing.... with no tapering.  HUGE mistake i was sick as a dog from withdrawal and felt like i was going to die.  I don't know... my point is that i just want what is best for you, whatever that is, and to be able to achieve that in the healthiest way possible. 

always here if ya need anything...

~Ophelia

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Step 1 : Get stable

Step 2 : Evaluate side effects

Step 3 : Adjust meds for most effectiveness with the least amount on side effects.

Too bad being BP makes it way less likely for these steps to be followed in order. Your brain lies to you. Hell, it took 30 years for my husband to give step 1 a chance!

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