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Drowning in the deep end


Guest JonInTrouble

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Guest JonInTrouble

Ok. Things have gotten really outta hand and as I sit here letting the zyprexa kick in I look back over the past few months and almost vomit. Long post here, one of those venting times...but ah well they say this is the place to do it.

This all started a few months ago, I'm not quite sure when because my memory doesn't seem to be keeping time right. I started drinking again, which opens a whole can of worms on it's own. I drank a few drinks every night, didn't get too drunk, figured I would switch my zprexa for alcohol, and lose some weight for a month and hopefully level out my blood sugars. Anyway, so I went off zyprexa. Trouble trouble trouble. I'm now living in government subsidized housing, half of my shit is gone, and I got alot of people around town talking really bad things about me. I did some stupid shit. Won't rehash everything because I'm sure many of you know what it's like to go into a full-blown mania. But the stupid shit I did recently is what has me posting here tonight. I'm gay and get very sexual when I'm manic, so I've been having alot of fun lately. Most of it was unattached stranger sex and it was good and worked. Then I started talking to the brother of this guy who I've been involved with in the past. Well, we end up hooking up one night when I was all crazy. I let him have sex with me without a condom, multiple times. After a couple weeks of different guys (protected) and this guy I start seeing this other guy, and have unprotected sex with him as well. Then, to put the cherry on top I slept with the first guy's (unprotected #1) brother, the one I have a history with. He is HIV positie. I DID have him use a condom though, but I still put myself out there on the line. So I get obsessed with unprotected #1 the last few weeks. We see alot of eachother, but he lives near me and I drive by his house after work to see if he has anyone else over. I asked him if he'd been with anyone while we were together and he said no, but multiple times, like tonight, I drive by and see someone else's car in the driveway (at 11 p.m..humm...wonder what theyr'e doing JEALOUSLY) anyway it's got me all screwed up. So I get home tonight all messed up and completely wacked out so I popped my 15mg of zpyrexa and sat in the bathtub drinking gin waiting for it to kick in. Now that my head is clearing a little bit I think about these things. STDS!!! FUCK No money, a shitty car, dropped out of college, might have HIV, pile on loads of self loathing for all the things I have subjected myself to and you get me right now. I honestly feel like I'm going to vomit this shit upsets me so bad right now. I'm a total hypocrite, I lie to unprotected #1 all the time about being with guys and get pissed when he does the same. I slept with his brother, and the brother would be totally crushed if he found out about this. I'm still struggling with drinking. I'm in a mixed state now that makes me want to pop another couple pretty little blue 15mg zpyrexa pills and really sleep. I don't know what to do. I've been chainsmoking most of the day and I can't hardly breathe with all the coughing. The drinking has destroyed my GI system and I'm always in pain down there. Then my mind goes back to STDs. I just hate myself for what I've become. How did this happen. I just want to close my eyes and die.

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Guest FrannyNZooey

Jon, first of all stop drinking and get out of the fucking tub! Sorry just been there and did not end up good for me.  Mixed states are the worse, but you know you will get though it.  You probably been here before right?

Ok you need to start thinking logically, I know you can from how you wrote.  You are going to do what ever it takes to calm you down, or just get thru this night.  If think really can't ,check in ER, tell how feeling, and get done while there, what is next on your plan.

You are going for HIV test, tomorrow, I know some waiting time, but sooner done, sooner know.

You know why you are feeling all these feelings for unprotected guy don't you?  Because you put yourself so literally on the line, your life for him.  But was it out of love? Or it just happen right, and now you feel betrayed pissed that he is seeing others.

That is not a caring person, and he should have taken care of you knowing he is infected.  I mean God he lives with that knowledge every moment, it should be just second nature. That does not sound like the kind of person you are looking for or need.

Take Care of You!

Aly

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JonInTrouble:

Hi. I'm sorry you're feeling so crummy. I think Aly is absolutely right...get proactive. You'll feel better for it.

Besides getting testing, perhaps you can find out about the possibility of prophylaxic medication to prevent HIV from infecting you. They do this in situations where people become exposed to HIV at work (for example, needle sticks for doctors or nurses). I don't know whether it's available to people exposed through unprotected sex, but I would sure call around to find out. Free clinics, gay men's health organizations, university hospitals, etc. Probably with hospitals you'd want to ask for their infectious disease department.

I did a search at google using "unprotected sex" "medication" "exposure to HIV", all in the same search. I got 998 results. The first one I looked at seemed to address this very issue: Prophylaxis Following Nonoccupational Exposure to HIV. You may want to get to get in touch with the author of this, Michelle Roland, MD, at the University of California San Francisco -- especially if you can not find out anything in your area. Maybe she or her department could refer you to someplace close to you.

Personally, I wouldn't wait to find out the results of an HIV test -- it can take a while, and in the meantime you may be missing out on a window of opportunity to get effective treatment to prevent your actually seroconverting to HIV. I'd get on this immediately.

Please keep us posted, okay?

Take care,

revlow

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Guest JonInTrouble

Thanks for your replies. I wanted to say that I had protected sex with the guy with HIV, it's the other 2 unknowns that have me a worried. The thought of being positive isn't all bad though, it's a means to an end. I think I'm more upset about the guy lieing to me and that kind of bullshit. I'm just a total mess right now, and I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so out of control crazy with racing thoughts and such...I'd write more but my brain is hurting and I really need sleep.

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Thanks for your replies. I wanted to say that I had protected sex with the guy with HIV, it's the other 2 unknowns that have me a worried.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I understood that. But you have still had unprotected sex, and you are in a high risk group, and as you said you are worried about that. I honestly don't know if prophylaxic medication is available for someone in this situation, but it might be. If so, I'd say it would worth it for your peace of mind.

The thought of being positive isn't all bad though, it's a means to an end.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

As someone who has had friends with it, some who have died...no. It's more treatable nowadays, but it's still a lousy disease, and certainly a crappy "means to an end".

I think I'm more upset about the guy lieing to me and that kind of bullshit. I'm just a total mess right now, and I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so out of control crazy with racing thoughts and such...I'd write more but my brain is hurting and I really need sleep.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You've been in a very bad place, and we all make bad decisions when we're there. The important thing now is to do what you can to take care of yourself and by doing so, you'll get in a better place. Stop drinking. Talk to your pdoc about what's going on, and do it ASAP. I take it you have a pdoc; you mentioned zyprexa. If you don't have a pdoc currently -- get one! Get yourself seen as soon as possible, and be honest and let them know what is really going on. Whether you feel like it or not right now, you deserve to be treated well, to get the help you need. Don't try to do it alone right now. You need and deserve support.

Take care,

revlow

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Thanks for your replies. I wanted to say that I had protected sex with the guy with HIV, it's the other 2 unknowns that have me a worried.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I understood that. But you have still had unprotected sex, and you are in a high risk group, and as you said you are worried about that. I honestly don't know if prophylaxic medication is available for someone in this situation, but it might be. If so, I'd say it would worth it for your peace of mind.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

IIRC, many of the outreach organizations that can help with testing and a prophylactic course of meds

would also have some counselling services. If you're stuck in gov't housing and so forth, maybe a

case could be made for a detox/rehab program referral  - anything to get a chance of getting the

BP back under control, without a bottle at hand (and not much else to do?)

Don't try to do it alone right now. You need and deserve support.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

What revlow said.

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Guest JonInTrouble

ok an update. I went to the health dept. and took the orasure test and came back negative. She told me I"ll need to come back in 3 months because sometimes it takes that long for the virus to become detectable by the test. So, still in limbo on that one. Now that I'm back on my full dose of zyprexa things seem a little clearer. I do need to enter some sort of drug rehab place, but when you're drunk and feeling good detox sounds like hell. But, on the other hand,  I feel like I'm trapped in hell when I'm not sober sometimes. It's kinda weird but thinking about the possibility of having HIV has become less scary. In reality, with my family history of heart disease, diabetes, and my drinking and other partying habits I will probably die of a heart attack or something before the HIV does me in. Earlier today I was in a horrible mixed state and just having a hell of a time until I popped a couple extra klonopin and a spare risperdal I had laying around.  Now with a few drinks in me I actually feel at peace, and hope that this is a turning point mood wise, to anything besides the anxious tense racing thoughts mixed state I've been in lately. Still need to find a drug that helps me with those.

I do have a pdoc, he knows about everything that goes on in my life. I've been seeing him so long I only go every few months for med checks, I should probably give him a call and get him up to speed and see if he has any ideas. Ironically his wife is the only infectious disease specialist on my insurance coverage. Anyway, all these drugs are making me sleepy, bedtime. You guys are very kind and sincere and I really appreciate it. I don't run across people like that in my daily life so it means alot to actually have someone respond (and probably understand) all the crazy shit that's going on. So thanks guys.

Still hanging in there...Jon

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Jon, glad you went for the test right away.  Waiting would have just been more hell.  I was once in a position where a paranoically almost "convinced" myself that I was infected too.  I think it was more the awful guilt I felt after some drug binge induced, manic sex deed with a guy (and I'm gay) which was just a real messy scene.  It was protected but still, I thought FOR SURE I was positive.  I know our stories are totally different and you knew that the person you were involved with was in fact pos...I didn't even know the guy I slept with...he was just some stranger.

Anyway, I just wanted to say I know the angst and I'm glad you got yourself tested.  In three months, go back and hopefully you'll be negative then too.  My bets are you'll be fine.  You used a condom so that reduces the risk substantially.

Now the rest? I don't want to get preachy but self medication ain't the route, 'bud.  I'm just wondering if your meds are working.  It doesn't sound like they are because you're still having mixed states and some manic activity? And still feeling the need to self medicate.  I know.  I've been down that road too.  For several years.  It's hard for a lot of us.  That desire to drink or do drugs whatever the choice may be...it's hard to stop but sometimes it's really necessary for our mental health.

Okay, I won't say any more because I think you get my point.  But I'm not a saint either.  Just so you know...I still have trouble with alcohol, my drug of choice.

Keep talking to us.  We're here for you.

Karen

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Guest FrannyNZooey

Jon, as Karen said we aren't any saints for sure.  I also had time when just knew after such guilt and I am OCD, so I thought of all the maybes and probabilities and why would I be spared of such a disease?

So, I snuck off to clinic as if in some hidden spy movie, when questioned they even truly wondered why there, I must have looked like a real nut, but to me it was so real. I went back in the 3 months and 6 months, how it was then, don't know if changed now.

My choice of drug was and surely could be quickly again alcohol, and in those times I was in the Hell I saw in your post.

I do care, I feel very much for others pain.  And please don't tell me of all the things you could die of.

I lost very young healthy brothers just like that, plus so many, and much more.

Guess who is still living? The miserable, depressed, drunken, sad of a old man, my father.

Aly

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