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I am seriously bummed out.  Even though I am taking 120mg of Cymbalta, I am still stuck in the abyss.  I'm not exactly suicidal, but I am just totally devoid of hope.  I am 50 years old, and my life is a wreck.  It has gotten steadily worse since I turned 18 and left home.  I've never been able to fully support myself,  I've screwed up every job I've had.  I just quit the last one on December 14 because I was being harrassed to death and would sit and cry in my office. 

I don't keep friends for the most part.  The ones I've known for 30 years I speak to maybe annually.  That's not what I'd call a close friend.  I have no family left except for a homophobic cousin who hates me.

and I have been in therapy and on meds since I was 28.  All that work and struggle for what?  This?  I have a BA and an MA, btw.  All that work for what?  This?  I get nowhere in life, no matter how hard I try.  Relationships don't work, jobs don't work, family rejects me.  All I have is my dog, which is a lot of love, but come on, most people who are my age have grown kids and grandkids and other built-in family and friends. 

i feel like I am just free-floating... no roots, no home, no nothing.  Yes, I own my house,  but I hate it because it reminds me of deaths and divorce and mental breakdowns.  I think that perhaps I am simply not capable of enjoying anything, ever.  It's all a struggle.  When I talk on the phone to friends, I fake cheerfulness, and it sounds so fake, that I figure they can hear it in my voice. 

I'm not going to kill myself for a number of reasons, and I realized recently during a health crisis that I really don't want to die after all.  That was kind of a revelation.  BUT, I have no motivation to live either.  I spend my days in bed, watching TV, and then coming on here. I eat, I drink, I watch TV, I play on the computer.  That is my whole day, every day since I quit working. 

My house is an utter pigsty.  My finances are a mess.  I don't have a job, and I haven't even looked for one yet.  I have medical issues that need to be addressed, and I haven't been able to get into the medical assistance program I need.  Every day they have a recording on, saying that all their appointments are filled and to call back.  I should add that I have followed instructions and have gone to 3 other clinics and an ER.  None of them would treat me because I don't have health insurance. 

I have checks in my wallet that need to be deposited at the bank, but I don't have the motivation to go deposit them.  I havent showered or gotten dressed in 3 days.  Yes, that includes Christmas, which I spent with my dog.

I have a new therapist who does EMDR, and that has helped with some things, but we haven't even addressed my non-motivation issue because I've been so sick that it was kind of a non-issue, meaning I could hide behind the sickness, and no one would blame me for lying in bed all day, but now I am feeling better, and it's my brain instead of my body that's keeping me in bed all day.  I'm on a megadose of Cymbalta (120mg), so I think it is probably my negative thinking that is keeping me trapped, moreso than fucked up chemicals in my brain.  But I can't seem to (don't want to?) stop that either.

I don't even know why I'm writing here.  I just wanted to get it out. Thanks for listening.

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Don't think you are alone Libby, cause there's lots of folks feeling exactly what you do...or what I'm reading anyway.

If you didn't have at least a trickle of hope you wouldn't have posted this thread.

So WHEN/WHAT was your last good memory.

Do you have enough funds that you could hire a high schooler to run errands for you? Maybe clean a little? You can get a lot of cleaning done in say 3 hours...I know I know IF it's somebody else's house I can anyway.

What IF you contacted a local non-profit and asked about resources available to you? It would be a start...and maybe some others will have some ideas also.

Hang in there ok will be rooting for you and sendin you lots of positive feel better vibes, ok?

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So WHEN/WHAT was your last good memory.
For real?  Being a kid and riding my horse.  Since I hit puberty and depression/anxiety kicked in, it's been stress, fear, high hopes and disappointment all the way.  Never a moment of peace.

Do you have enough funds that you could hire a high schooler to run errands for you? Maybe clean a little? You can get a lot of cleaning done in say 3 hours...I know I know IF it's somebody else's house I can anyway.
Well, I don't know any high schoolers, and this is a big city.  I tried to hire someone who cleans for $8/hr, but she blew me off because she got another job.

What IF you contacted a local non-profit and asked about resources available to you? It would be a start...and maybe some others will have some ideas also.
Not sure what you mean here.  What kind of nonprofit agency do you mean?  I've been to 2 nonprofit clinics plus a doctor's office plus a hospital ER for medical stuff, and I got nothin for it, but the runaround.

Hang in there ok will be rooting for you and sendin you lots of positive feel better vibes, ok?
Thanks, chuckit.  Some part of me does want it to get better.  it just seems so overwhelming and unlikely.  I've been hopeful and worked hard so many times, only to end up back in the Pit, always and forever.
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Libby, a big hug goes out to you.  I think had I not gotten married (god only knows how that happened) and had two kids (god does know how that happened) I would be in the exact situation you're in, probably worse.  I canned the Cymbalta last month, now on Lexapro and gonna go into see the Psy dr. tomorrow to see what the hell is going on.  Hopefully an increase in dosage will kick my ass and straighten me out.  Don't ya just wonder when it will end.  Like we're doing everything we're supposed to, therapy, medication, living, okay enough already.  So what the heck did we do anyway to get punished like this? 

Sorry, I just wanted to throw a big arm around ya and say I completely understand where you are coming from.  Perhaps one of these days soon one of us will come up with the answer/medication we've been searching for.

Take care of yourself.  Kris

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You just cannot compare your life with someone else's --just doesn't make sense.

And people who have way lots of family have all sorts of expectations thrown up to them. You can be armpit to elbows with people and still be lonely, ya know?

Are there stables anywhere near you? Could you just go and hang out tell the manager you just want to do some brushing, graining, or something? It's not impossible you know. Stables everywhere have all sorts of people working for free just to be around the horses. Lots of owners only show up sporadically.

There's something so comforting just being near a horse when it is eating...do you remember?

Are there any horse riding folks that cater to disabled children? Now that's a place to help out with. Kids that start out so withdrawn can you just see their 'tudes when they are on top of a horse, mobile as all get out?

Libby there's lots out there and there's many folks whose life you can touch...ya just 'gotta start' as Breeze says.

here's some googlin' results http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=horse...+disabled+youth

I was thinking the non-profit agencies like hospice will have referrals for folks that help others out for a living. I'm telling you 1-2 hours a week can make a huge difference in your life. Someone to run errands (bank, groceries whatever you hate doing) &/or clean.

Local churches, the Y, counselors all know some good kids who just need a break

those kids would be happy @ $8/hr

you probably just didn't have enough hours for the lady that blew you off

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Hey Libby,

We are so much alike, close in age and attitudes.  All of my friends are far away and I have lost touch with them.  I do have a son but he is grown and for many years he did not live with me.

I don't know why, but I am at peace with what I have now.  I work and at quitting time, I can't wait to get home to my little house and my dogs.

I don't understand why the ER won't help you, I thought they had to take everyone.  There is also a place here that takes people who either work/have worked and have no insurance/or are under insured.  They give free doctor visits and fill prescriptions free on site.  Maybe there is something like that near you.

I don't know what I am trying to say, except I do understand and I'm sorry for what you are going thru.

kane

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Guest billycat

HI Libby    A year ago I was exactly where you are with the health issues alone

a mortgage and no motavation to do anything. I can relate to how you are feeling

and the one thing...the only thing that made me feel good was my cat.    It was my only purpose and the only thing that gave me joy,    maybe there is some kind of dog rescue in your area that you could help out in some way, that may help

to get you out for a few hours a week.    Time can make some difference, if you can resolve some of the health issues...I realize you are trying and running into alot of dead ends...but continue to push.  once I started to physically  feel better that did make a difference and I was more motivated to get out of bed and do some cleaning. It can be very hard when you are alone.....I have lived alone almost all of my adult life and I have just recitently gotten to the point of making

my house mine and comfortable for myself and something to enjoy.  It took a very long time and years of depression that went untreated but I did it.    Libby you do have

things....you have your home you have your dog  even if you do one small thing each day you will have done something.    After a few days you may feel a little

better about yourself and your home.  Don't give up on yourself...keep posting

if that is all you can do for now.

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billycat, rayzunkane, chuckit, SD, Lee, Kris,

Thank you for your compassion and support and ideas.  I got out of bed to see if anyone had responded, and lo and behold, a lot of people did. 

I'm holding my dog on my lap.  He is a constant source of love and even laughter.  I don't know how he makes me laugh even when depressed, but he does.

Tomorrow, I am going to TRY to get up early and go to the bank.  And hopefully call early enough to make an appt. with the medical assistance program.  If I do those two things tomorrow, that will be a lot.

I'm also supposed to have lunch with a friend if she's back in town.  I'll just keep asking her how her Christmas was because mine was blech.

That's 3 things.  Add taking a shower and getting dressed (required for the 3 things) and that's 5 things.

I have lived alone almost all of my adult life and I have just recitently gotten to the point of making

my house mine and comfortable for myself and something to enjoy.  It took a very long time and years of depression that went untreated but I did it.

billycat, that is a very big deal.  I don't feel like my house is mine, and I don't feel like it should be comfortable.  I feel like it should be uncomfortable for some reason.  It's really strange.  I've never heard anyone else say that, but you.

I have another weird thing which is that I hate taking the trash to the curb.  I didn't take it out last night, and the garbage men came today, so I have 2 bags of trash on my front porch, and the kitchen trash can is full too.  I wish I would take the damn trash out.  It's some weird little rebellion thing, but I'm the only person it hurts.

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Guest billycat

Libby,  Your dog looks so cute!    Ilove dogs so much..Iwish I had time for a dog ...I could have one at my condo, but just don't have time to commit you are lucky that way!  I'm so glad that Iwas able to make a connection about the house thing...it's true though...because I have been alone for so long and I guess I thought that a long time ago that I wouldn't be...so it was up to me to make things nice for myself and you can do that for yourself.    I kind of had the same thing about my mail that you have about your garbage so I can understand that to...

I am starting to get better at checking the mail...sometimes some things take more time.

It sounds like you have planned a good day for yourself......feel proud and give youself credit...and do something tomorrow.  good for you Libby!

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I'm so glad that Iwas able to make a connection about the house thing...it's true though...because I have been alone for so long and I guess I thought that a long time ago that I wouldn't be...so it was up to me to make things nice for myself and you can do that for yourself.   
Billycat, This whole thing is so hard for me to figure out.  So, are you saying that you were kind of waiting for someone to come along and clean it up for you?  Or that you thought someone would come along and then you'd want to make the house nice for them?  I'm so frustrated with my own behavior about this.  I don't know why I live this way.  I want to change, but I'm frozen.

I kind of had the same thing about my mail that you have about your garbage so I can understand that to...
I do the same damn thing with my mail!  Oh, Lawd.

btw, I did one thing on my list already.  I woke up at 8am and made the phone call for the medical assistance eligibility appt.  Then I went back to bed with the dogs.

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OK, so here's what I did today.

1 called about that stupid medical appt.

2 took a shower

3 got dressed

4 went to lunch with friend

5 went to bank

6 went to gas station

7 got a haircut

8 went to grocery store for milk

I think most of it happened because I had a reason to get out of the house, ie. lunch with friend.  In order to do that, I had to shower, dress, and drive.  Everything else was on the way home.

I'm going to post a pic of my living room.  I'm ashamed of it, but I'm going to do it.  Why?  I don't know.  Public humiliation?  Or maybe someone will have some insight about how to fix whatever is wrong in my brain/mind.

In the forefront is a new shopvac which I haven't taken out of the box yet. ;)

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i see REggie!  i see Reggie!  i have guests so i can't call....they're watching south park but i will have pay attention when its over.

living room looks cluttered but not bad.....if i knew how to do pix i'd show you mine.

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Libby, gosh, do I understand exactly what you're saying.  I think that my biggest problem is getting into those times of being completely stuck and not being able to accomplish even the smallest tasks.  I think the fact that you accomplished what you did today is a good sign.  At least you moved.

As far as house cleaning goes, mine right now is not too bad.  But last week it was horrid.  It's like stuck energy.  The way I feel inside is reflected directly in my immediate environment.

  I accomplished my clean up by starting absolutely one small thing at a time.  I would decide, okay, tomorrow I will clean off one table--nothing more.  The first day or two I could accomplish nothing but the one thing I decided the night before.  But it was one thing.  I would clean off the table and light a candle.  The next day I would clean a sink and burn insence.  I opened up windows so I could breathe.  I played music that I liked.  It took about 10 days, but I finally accomplished having a feeling of space in my place.  My head feels clearer, and I can think better.  But I did it slowly, and didn't harass myself during the process.  How I accomplished this I don't know.  Usually I'm so full of self criticism about my place that I can't move at all.

My place wont stay clean.  I know from experience that eventually everything will get really messed up again.  But at least for this small period of time I can breate.  Good luck.  Your place is messy, but really not that bad.  I wish I could be there to help you.  I'm always a lot better at cleaning other people's houses than my own.  Hang in there.  You're not alone.

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I can't believe y'all are saying it's not that bad. ;) I didn't even realize Reggie was in the picture.  I'm taking these pictures, thumbnail versions, to my therapist tomorrow.  I don't have the guts to show her the full-size pictures, but I've taken pictures of every room of my house, so that she can see how bad it is.  I'm hoping we might be able to figure out how to apply EMDR to this.  I would feel so much better about myself if I didn't live this way.  And vice versa.

Cyndy, I don't know what it means, but when I read your very reasonable suggestion of one table a day, I just feel this fear and anxiety well up in my chest.  What the hell is that about?  Fear of housecleaning!  Is this some weird ocd thing?  Self-punishment?  I don't know, but I am sick of it.

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Libby, I don't know anything about therapy, but I think it's a great idea to take the pictures to your therapist.  You also need to tell her about the anxiety you feel when you read the posts about cleaning one table or whatever.  There's depression, and there's anxiety and it would seem to me that you react to them differently.

Depression (for me) means a lethargy and lack of motivation---so the cleaning takes a back seat.  I don't have anxiety, but it sounds like for you the anxiety interferes with your desire to pick up your place.  (You don't deserve a nice clean place?  Bad things will happen if you clean?)  It would be very interesting to hear what this is about.

(I understand confidentiality---I'm just saying the psychology of all this is fascinating to me.) And I don't think it's weird to post the photo---I think you're trying to show us that your life feels like it's in the dumper and you want to get OUT.  Don't blame you at all.

A good cleaning lady could have that living room picked up, dusted and vacuumed in less than 2 hours.  With help, I could have it done in less than an hour.  (I used to clean for a living.)  So it's not that the job is "un-doable."  But your head is telling you that it is,......or something.

Like I said, I don't know anything about therapy---I will be interested to hear what your therapist says if you're willing to share it.

olga

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Heya Libby,

Just to lend my support for your plan to chat about this housecleaning issue (with visual aids) with your therapist.  Likely your therapist will have some good suggestions, as this is I think a common problem, at least on CB.

Basically at this point I have sort of resigned myself to one room being in a constant state of chaos, and try to keep the rest of the place reasonably neat, although parts of me still hate any messes at all.  I haven't yet found that balance for myself, so I don't have a lot of words of wisdom for you ;)

The anxiety sounds nasty.  There have been days when I won't go down and check the mail because (1) I might have to talk to the guy at the front desk and/or (2) there might be mail for me.

I hope things go well today and you can start to chip away at these problems.

We're here for you anyway.

--ncc--

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