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I had a horrible thought tonight.  I'm not going to act on it, I'm just having fantasies about it and I'm really getting scared.

Here's the thought:

If I kill myself, I will leave my husband alone and miserable.

If I kill both of us, he'll never be without me.

Having this thought utterly terrifies me...

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Is this thought being provoked by anxiety?  I know that in my case, anxiety always made my suicidal thoughts get really intense.  If so, can you take your Risperdal early?  Or something else for anxiety?

Or will it help to talk to your husband about it?

I almost forgot-- will knitting take your mind off it?

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If I kill both of us, he'll never be without me.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Would thinking about the look on his face, the terror, in that moment, knowing you were going to kill him; would that thought be enough to end the fantasy?

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Would thinking about the look on his face, the terror, in that moment, knowing you were going to kill him; would that thought be enough to end the fantasy?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I was thinking about slipping poison in his drink, something painless...

I took my Risperdal after I wrote that post.  I told my husband what was going through my mind.  He held me and comforted me until the med kicked in...  The thoughts have died off, and I'm now feeling kind of horrified that I was ever thinking that...

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Would thinking about the look on his face, the terror, in that moment, knowing you were going to kill him; would that thought be enough to end the fantasy?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I was thinking about slipping poison in his drink, something painless...

I took my Risperdal after I wrote that post.

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I took my Risperdal after I wrote that post.  I told my husband what was going through my mind.  He held me and comforted me until the med kicked in...  The thoughts have died off, and I'm now feeling kind of horrified that I was ever thinking that...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

caligatia,

i'm really glad that you were able to calm down and that you were able to be honest with your husband.  The fact that he comforted you until the med kicked in shows that he cares about you.

I am very glad to hear that you are safe and that the thought have died off.  you should speak to your doc about this, though, no matter how horrified you are by it.  dont keep it to yourself...

be well, hun 

~Ophelia~

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Thanks for the kind words, everybody.

My husband is indeed wonderful and caring.  I'm very lucky to have him.

Part of the reason this happened is because I forgot to take my Risperdal for a couple of days...  I'm going to be careful about it now, though.  Thoughts like last night's are things I don't want to have to deal with again.

I'll tell my doctor what happened next time I see him.

Thanks again, everybody.

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What you did that was good was ask for help. My suggestion is not to tell your doctor, unless you want many future visits to revolve around whether you're thinking about harming yourself or someone else. Doctors are bound by law to have you committed if they feel uncertain about how you are thinking about this. How any one doctor may deal with such things is individual, but I have found that opening this can of worms can derail a relationship with a therapist. If you really feel unsafe and don't know how to stop such thoughts and you'd consider hospitalization to ensure your safety, then yes, discuss with your doctor. Since you know that getting back on your meds has helped and you're not feeling this way now, think about what you have to gain by sharing this with a doctor. Also keep in mind that extreme mood disturbances and distorted thinking are common side-effects of sudden withdrawal from anti-spychotics.

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Such thoughts are, in fact, far out of the ordinary. Very few people ever become suicidal in their entire lifetime, and even fewer actually kill themselves. Such thoughts are definitely cause for concern, but I'm in favor of finding ways to deal with them that don't alarm everyone and create paranoia. Feeling better any way possible is the first step, which can take a while, and sorting out why life seems so hopeless is the next step. I've become suicidal because of med changes before, but once I felt better I had to sort out what the things were in my life that were so intolerable. It doesn't necessarily solve any of these things, but for me, I'll be damned if I ever consider ending my existence again because of how other people have treated me. Seeing that my life has not been "my fault" has made me a lot tougher dealing with difficult times, because I don't feel so helpless to affect the quality of my own life anymore.

Sorry for the threadjack Cal. Still feeling improved today?

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Yeah, I'm still improved, thanks for asking.

My doctor already knows that I get suicidal (and occasionally homicidal) urges.  So this won't be a big surprise to him.  I'm very honest with him, because he trusts me to tell him if I get bad enough to warrant a hospital stay.  And I respect him more for trusting me.

I have a good doctor.  I'm lucky.

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