tattered_remains Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 (edited) I wish I could pinpoint just how I got here... but I had probably 30 tabs open, and I have no idea which one brought me here... lolTo the introduction...I'm 27, I live with my fiance and my cat, and have been dealing with various mental issues and their fallout since I was 12.I developed my father's no-fuse temper at 11.By 12-13, I was taking my junk bike full-speed around gravel corners because the road-rash felt like something.14-year-old me discovered razors and how to keep dangerous secrets.22 found me in an abusive relationship, far from my parents, with insurance I couldn't afford to use, and alternating between not sleeping for a week and SHing every day for a month.23 brought me back to my home state, finally single, just to drop me into the worst suicidal depression to date.25 was the first time I've ever felt, well, normal. Healthy relationship, no SH urges, no depression, nothing.Then a few weeks ago, it all came back with a vengeance. Most notably, the agitation and the SH urges. I feel a little weird signing up for such a pro-treatment/meds board when I've somehow never received professional treatment. I'm not against it, but how it never happened is a long, convoluted story that probably doesn't belong in an intro post.The condensed version is that the extent of 'care' I've received was a let's-play-catch-up conversation with my general doc some time after moving back to the Midwest, where she said (paraphrased): "I'm aware you've had problems with depression, and some of that sounds like some kind of manic, I'm sorry I didn't push your mother more when you were younger, but you're doing okay now, so I'm not giving you a referral your insurance requires to see a specialist ".The only reason I haven't completely given in is that I'm getting married next month, and I'm already wearing gloves to hide my past mistakes. And I know me, if I start SHing again, I won't be able stop.I know I need to seek professional help before this gets worse... but I have no idea how to deal with it.Thanks for reading. Edited September 25, 2015 by tattered_remains Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angeni Mai Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 Welcome to CrazyBoards! I too came here when I had received no/ extremely limited professional treatment. It's actually quite common for people who have never received professional treatment to find Crazyboards before deciding treatment is best. I'm sorry your GP wouldn't write you a referral. Do you think that finding a new GP would be wise? It would seem that that is the only way you'd be able to get a referral, unless you went to a clinic and had them write you a referral. Either which way, I hope you are able to receive the care you deserve. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! I'm sure it will be fabulous! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Co'crispy Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 Hey tattered your story is concerning to me, also it seems like cats have a way of making it into the hands of people with MI lol..I have 2. But I can relate a bit, I think I need professional help..but Idk how it got to be this way. I've bad a little feud with depression myself never suicidal..yet lol. But there are days where if the anger knob was turned a little higher I just might get too familiar with a blunt object its odd my moods are out of whack I use to be good with temperament. But I wish the best of luck on your marriage ..congrats. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tattered_remains Posted September 26, 2015 Author Share Posted September 26, 2015 Thanks to both of you!Typing the last 16 years out like that makes it seem... awful. Good things happened in my past as well, I promise! The bad just overwhelms it.As for finding a new GP, finding a woman Dr who is taking new patients is like finding a unicorn! And she's not all bad. My sister had talked her into writing numerous prescriptions that she was abusing when she was 16-22. So when I would see her she'd be very on guard, and I wouldn't push the topic. I don't really blame her, my sister could talk a starving man out of his last meal. And my new insurance doesn't require a referral, so I can go anywhere that takes them now. I just don't have the courage to contact anyone... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angeni Mai Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 Thanks to both of you!Typing the last 16 years out like that makes it seem... awful. Good things happened in my past as well, I promise! The bad just overwhelms it.As for finding a new GP, finding a woman Dr who is taking new patients is like finding a unicorn! And she's not all bad. My sister had talked her into writing numerous prescriptions that she was abusing when she was 16-22. So when I would see her she'd be very on guard, and I wouldn't push the topic. I don't really blame her, my sister could talk a starving man out of his last meal. And my new insurance doesn't require a referral, so I can go anywhere that takes them now. I just don't have the courage to contact anyone...It's scary to reach out for help, I know it is. It seems impossible, the first time you go to find a therapist or psychiatrist, that you'll find somebody who can actually help you but they generally really do know what they're doing. I can also guarantee you that your story is likely not the "first of its kind" that they've seen. I hope, for your sake, that you are able to find the courage to call someone on Monday and set up an appointment. If you need someone to walk you through it or just a friend for moral support, feel free to message me anytime. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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