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For a while there I thought I was going to just rot. Since moving back home in November I had been staying at home, alone and in bed most of the time. The only time I'd get out of the house would be to go to therapy once a week. And, sadly, the only times I didn't feel like killing myself were two times when I went out with friends and got drunk and once when I took 6 Darvocet 100's and layed in bed, "floating" for the rest of the day (that was two days before I went into the hospital).

The way I got the Darvocet was during a slight dissociative episode when I took a hammer to my left arm and tried to break it. I went at it for about an hour. It was just badly bruised.

I decided I'd try a repeat of the floating episode the next day so I took 6 more Darvocet and for god measure, 10 mg of Valium, a shot of vodka, 2 mg of Klonopin, and a shot of 100 proof cinnamon schnapps. The only thing that happened was my mom came home and found me in a crying fit--and severely suicidal. My mom hid all my meds from me and wouldn't let me sleep alone in my own room that night. She called my therapist and made me talk to her.

The next day, my grandmother had to babysit me because my mom didn't trust me and because I didn't trust me not to do something dumb. She took me to therapy and 20 minutes into the session my therapist called the hospital down the road from her office and asked for a mental health assesement for me. She and my grandmother walked me down there. In the interview, I told the guy what I did to my arm, I told him about all the pills I'd taken, about being suicidal and how I'd do it if left alone, about how badly I wanted to self-injure and how I didn't trust myself with anything sharp, etc. My grandmother was nearly in tears.

I stayed in there 11 days. I went to every single group no matter how stupid I thought it was or how bad I was feeling. I listened to every suggestion and every coping skill they had to offer me. After a week there, I was still feeling unstable and not ready to go home and all of a sudden I got suicidal again. I had planned on tonguing my meds and saving them up so I could OD...or at least try to OD. I'd snuck a plastic knife from the dining room and used it to cut on my legs, I'd hit my thighs hard enough to cause bruises. My doc put me back on q 15's and threatened to put me in a camera room. I told him it'd make things worse if I had to stay in a camera room. I stopped the SI'ing and so he didn't move me--thank GOD!

When I went in, this was my med cocktail:

AM:

150 mg Effexor XR

0.5 mg Klonopin

500 mg Glucophage

120 mg Calan SR

Evening:

0.5 mg Klonopin

500 mg Glucophage

43 Units Lantus Insulin

PM:

100 mg Seroquel

30 mg Remeron

Mid way through my stay, he'd added 50 mg of Trazodone to my PM meds, increased my Seroquel to 200, and found out that I have hypothyroidism and added 50 mcg of Synthroid to my AM meds. When I got really suicidal again he added 25 mg Topamax b.i.d. (I want it increased to 50 mg b.i.d *at least*) and increased my Effexor to 150 mg in the AM and 75 at bedtime.

Three days before I got out my mom and I had an explosive argument on the phone. I cried, she yelled, etc. My case manager told my doctor, I told my doctor. He ordered a family session for the following day. It went well. We got a lot out. My case manager suggested ongoing family therapy.

Finally, after spending 11 days in the hospital, I got out. And my med cocktail looks like this:

AM:

150 mg Effexor XR

120 mg Calan SR

0.5 mg Klonopin

50 mcg Synthroid

25 mg Topamax

500 mg Glucophage

Evening:

0.5 mg Klonopin

500 mg Glucophage

43 Units Lantus Insulin

25 mg Topamax

PM:

150 mg Effexor XR

50 mg Trazodone

30 mg Remeron

200 me Seroquel

I know I am not completely cured and that I never will be. I have accepted the fact that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that requires medication to be regulated--just like my diabetes and hypothyroidism and there is no shame in that. I also have learned that I have to take things one day at a time, or if that is too much for me, one moment at a time. I bought two books that were highly reccommended to me (and many other patients) Codependent No More and The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. Both have been a great help to me. I have also reconnected with my Higher Power. I had felt like He'd abandoned me but now I know that He hasn't and He won't. I have really taken to the Serenity Prayer. I learned that it was written by a Jewish prisoner in Auschwitz. If a man who knew he'd be put to death could write something so beautiful and truly believe it use it to go on living his life, there is no way I am going to let depression beat me. I have to fight it. I will fight it and I will win.

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I have to take things one day at a time, or if that is too much for me, one moment at a time.

two books that were highly reccommended to me (and many other patients) Codependent No More and The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie.

I have really taken to the Serenity Prayer.

I learned that it was written by a Jewish prisoner in Auschwitz. 

If a man who knew he'd be put to death could write something so beautiful and truly believe it used it to go on living his life, 

there is no way I am going to let depression beat me. 

I have to fight it. 

I will fight it and 

I will win.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

wow

thanks for the recommended reading

big hug for sharing

wow

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