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apathy or depression?


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EVERY single afternoon I find myself feeling nothing, empty, blah. Nothing brings me enjoyment. I used to use my afternoons to paint, and I just can't. I try, I will hold the brush and make contact to canvas but I hate it, it's uninspired and really only done because it used to be something I enjoyed. Now there is just nothing. I have had to tell my husband not to ask me my opinion on anything to simply tell me what to do. I don't care what is for dinner, don't give me options because nothing sounds better than anything else. I live through the afternoon hoping it goes quickly so I can wake up in the morning and not feel this purposelessness.

I don't think I feel sad -- if I get sad or upset it is at the fact that there is no feelings left.

I don't know if this happens only in the afternoon or if my work (office computer job) in the morning is keeping me busy. I do know I can smile and have conversations and laugh so I think it's the afternoons.

I talked to my pdoc about it and I just don't think he understood what I mean -- he thinks it's a lack of motivation. I have motivation I think, I just  have no joy. I can clean the house and get things done.

As a caveat I have recently quit smoking marijuana, something I did all day every day. The problem has been around since before then. The pdoc says to wait 3 weeks before he considers any medicinal intervention to get the weed out of my system.

I need something. The nothing is so big and I want it gone so badly that I worry I will do something stupid, self injury or worse. It doesn't help that when I saw pdoc last I was jovial and smiling and he said I seemed better than I have been.

Am I depressed? I could use some words of advice or even just empathy. Something. I have no one I can talk to about it -- my husband just doesn't get it. My pdoc doesn't get it. Please help me put a name to this horrible nothing. Please help me figure out how to feel again. If this keeps going much longer I will stop taking the meds.

My meds are:

80mg geodon, 20 mg lexapro 1x per day at dinner

2mg Xanax XR in the morning

Thanks in advance

Magritte

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As an aside, my DX is bipolar with mixed states. The mixed states are gone and I am left with what I have described. Is this depression or something else?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE Magritte, he is my favorite-est of the surrealists.

But to your topic, look up depression in the dictionary and you will see my picture. You describe my own state of emptiness to a tee.

I wish I had words of wisdom, but I don't. I'm coming back from suicide land, and was satisfied for awhile just feeling relieved of that. However, I am still very depressed, and I'm going to be discussing this with pdoc in the next week or so. I don't feel like I'm on the edge of an MDD episode, I feel fairly stable. Just empty, lonely, apathetic, discontent, BUT stable...in this morass.

I'm also exploring perhaps some bi-polar aspect to my tweaked out gray matter. I have mood swings, without mania.

Suze

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Magritte: (one of by all time favorite artists as well)

You sure described a lot of what depression is for me. And I, too, can manage to be jovial, etc., when needed at work -- and still be depressed. An underlying depression.

I don't know what to tell you specifically. I don't have experience with the meds you're on. I do think your pdoc's advise about waiting isn't necessarily bad. Pot can take quite awhile to get out of your system; it's stored in your fat cells. That takes longer to excrete than other drugs.

But you do need to let your pdoc know how bad it is, and get him to really hear you. Don't put up the jovial mask. Let him know how much it hurts.

Take care. Keep us posted, okay?

revlow

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Thanks everyone... after I wrote the message I went to look up what depression really is. I was so used to the mixed states that I guess I was worried that maybe when you take those away what you have left is the nothing I am feeling now. But I do believe now that I am depressed. It seems so weird to me -- I wouldn't have thought I would ever rather have the mixed state but really it seems like anything would be better than this nothing.

I think I will hold off on calling pdoc, he is on vacation right now anyway. My next appointment is almost a month away. If I feel really desperate I will call him before then but for now I'll just think of myself as "detoxing" from the weed and try to be patient about it.

I appreciate everything you've all said, thanks.

Magritte

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Thanks everyone... after I wrote the message I went to look up what depression really is. I was so used to the mixed states that I guess I was worried that maybe when you take those away what you have left is the nothing I am feeling now. But I do believe now that I am depressed.
we also have a depression thread. TONS of experience there, with depressions of every flavor.

One thought occurred to me as I re-read your original post. I thought it was odd that after quitting weed (you are talking to a non-using, today, dope fiend) it would seem a more typical response would be your emotions would be all over the place. So perhaps you're in for a bit of a roller coaster ride.

Did you receive your dx when weed was a part of your daily regimen? Did your pdoc know that then?

As far as strategies for dealing with depression, read the boards, and don't be to quick to dx yourself, it could just be a situational blues type situation (fingers crossed for Magritte!)

Anyway, I don't work, disabled, so I live at CB, if you need some help getting through the day, hang out with the rest of us. Also, PM me anytime.

This too shall pass...sooner or later, usually later for me  ;) but it all passes eventually.

If you get uberdepressed call someone or get thee arse to the hospital. Don't trust your self to you're own reasoning (my experience) and take good care.

Hugs, (I'm a hugger!)

Suze

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One thought occurred to me as I re-read your original post. I thought it was odd that after quitting weed (you are talking to a non-using, today, dope fiend) it would seem a more typical response would be your emotions would be all over the place. So perhaps you're in for a bit of a roller coaster ride.

Did you receive your dx when weed was a part of your daily regimen? Did your pdoc know that then?

As far as strategies for dealing with depression, read the boards, and don't be to quick to dx yourself, it could just be a situational blues type situation (fingers crossed for Magritte!)

I almost hope there is a roller coaster ride coming -- that would be better than the blankness I've got going on. I've gone without smoking weed sinced the 13th, and have found it surprisingly easy to go without... but that probably gets back to the fact that I am pretty blah about everything these days, even gotten blah about marijuana.

I was DX'd with the pdoc knowing about my marijuana habits, he gave me a stern talking to and said I must quit but it took me a while before I was finally ready to do so.

Since I don't feel the upswings of mania anymore I will check out the depression board. I hope it is situational but other than it being winter (BLUH!) I can't think of anything that would really be keeping me down.

Thanks again,

Magritte

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