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Cutting has had a place in my life since middle school, and I'm now a senior in high school.

 

Very long story short: 

Almost two years ago, I met a girl, we've been dating until a month ago. For the last month I've been trying to get her back. Tonight, Halloween, we were so close. We were watching a movie, I get up to get food, and when I come back, she had ended the call and showed me a screenshot of a message I sent to a friend earlier, followed by a "Fuck you." This relationship is and always has been long distance, this is an important thing to note. 

Anyway, she then proceeded to block me everywhere, except one place. It was close, but I got her to unblock me on Skype. However now, after simply seeing that message, she has no interest in continuing things. This is taking such a toll on me.

Tonight I cut, I've been trying to keep it to a minimum, as it has only ever caused me trouble in life. 

I had an idea to cut a heart into my stomach and chest. I put her name in the middle, and "I love you" over the top of it. 

I'm surprised I did it and that it turned out so well. Is this morbid to say? That I'm proud of it?

Anyway, the message she saw essentially read as follows: "I'm doing everything I can to get her back so that down the road I can crush her like she did me."

 

I didn't mean it, but suddenly it changed who she thinks I am. I just wanted to express that I wish she could feel my pain. I don't know what to do, and everything is becoming too much. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to kill myself, but I really don't. Instead I fantasize about it and cut.

 

NSFW: Pictures, if it is not allowed to share photos, please do not view them. And please ignore them. Please do not view if you are easily upset. 

I just need to show someone.

Edit: I removed the picture because I convinced myself that my cuts are embarrassing because they aren't bleeding enough.

Edited by Purlek
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That must be really hard, dealing with feelings toward someone who cut you off. I can relate in a lot of ways. And I can also relate to using cutting instead of suicide (especially what you said about not having the courage. I often have that thought as well). 

 

Do do you have plans for after high school? Sometimes a change of scenery (like college, if that's your plan) can help. Or meeting new people through a job, and realizing there is somebody you can have a better connection with. 

 

Anyway I wish you luck on your journey, wherever it does lead you. 

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Hi, welcome to CB!

Thank you for taking your pictures down - we're not a picture sort of place. We try to focus on recovery here and that means not "showing off" what harm we might have inflicted upon ourselves.

I'm glad that you're almost done high school. In my personal opinion it's criminal to stick a bunch of teens together and limit their exposure to the outside world. They may as well stick up a poster that reads "abandon hope, all ye  who enter here" over the doors (and then give everyone who gets the reference an A. It's Dante's Inferno, after all).

Trying to keep it to a minimum strikes me as a very good idea, and we're definitely all about that, what with our whole pro-recovery stance and everything. Have you found any ways to do that? We have a big list of alternatives that maybe you want to add to. After all, we're all different and you might have some good ideas.

I hope that writing out your story helped you. Looking forward to seeing your posts around :)

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