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Long Sleeve Weather...

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the last time I cut was earlier this year, and I remember because it was warm enough to wear short sleeves, and I wore short sleeves to work and somebody commented and I made an excuse about it being the dog or whatever (I think he knew it wasn't the dog).

And then I didn't cut after that because I didn't want to have to talk about it, and it hasn't really occurred to me to do it again until now. It's been really cold, and I haven't really gone anywhere without a sweater. And now I could cut in my usual places because who is going to see? Who is going to ask questions? Nobody. 

I'm just so depressed and anxious, and this morning I am quite literally alone and it would just be so easy. There's a pair of scissors right on the kitchen table. 

I feel so angry with myself, angry at certain friends who were worse off than me a year ago and now are nearly fully recovered and doing well and have meds that work, and I am stuck here with the same horrible, hopeless feelings about life that are not going away no matter how much I ask for help. 

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Hi. How are you doing now?

Sometimes I try to read through the alternatives to self-harm thread or think about the reasons not to thread. Sometimes the second one especially gets me out of my head a bit. It's really hard to feel so jealous of your friends. Everyone's journey is different and yours seems to be going slower right now. You may be going quicker still than others here, and I'm glad that you posted both here and on others' threads. That's a good method of distraction, too. 

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Thanks WinterRosie! 

I managed to distract myself by working on my reading list. That seems to help quite a bit, because I can really get lost in a book, so long as I give myself the time. 

I also have found that exercise helps a lot (I know that's a broken-record type thing that everyone says), and focusing on my weight loss journey has helped me feel like I have some semblance of control over something. 

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I totally get that too. I'm not one to have multiple cuts on my arm usually (although sometimes it really is my cat). Living in southern AZ, winter didn't always call for long sleeves. So I left my arms alone mostly. However now in Wisconsin, I'm wearing long sleeves everyday and for the first time in a while I gave in to going crazy on my arm because "hey who's going to see my arms!" 

I realize now that is not a good justification for cutting on your arms. Also trying to distract myself, it's worked in the last few days. Tea has helped. I bought a glass cup a few months ago. It always makes me feel so peaceful sitting down with a glass cup of tea. Seeing the tea relaxes me.

I'm glad the reading and exercise help. 

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