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We've all been here, but this is where I am right now. Back to my full blown habits, which I've been free of for probably over a year, give or take a few minor nicks here and there.  I'm weird in that I was never that passionate about recovery, I just kinda swapped around bad habits because cutting just wasn't cutting it for me haha. 

I'm not sure how to feel. It's kinda shitty, and definitely a terrible idea, but I've been aching for this for so long, I've wanted this 

pain, this reason to be the piece of shit that I am, for so fucking long. It's something to feel, it's something to fixate on, it's something to not just be this haze of a feeling that's analogous to a combination between a long-heaved groan and the feeling you get after hitting your head on a wall repeatedly. 


On another note, I'm now going to have scars on my calves because I'm an apathetic dumbass who can't be assed to stop because consequences to my actions are a thing. My dad giving me more shit and also feeling like shit is not my intention and now I am like bound to long pants and tights which aren't rlly my style, ya feel? 


I found and joined this forum today, post cutting relapse, and am feeling pretty flat and fairly numb. I got triggered talking to a guy I like as we were swapping shitty back stories-though it rlly just sped up the inevitable- and here I am. Being dumb and self destructive- nothing new though- and giving myself scars I'll totally regret later. 

Edited by psychobabbling
Missing Dead Ed (new member)
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Hi! As a pro-recovery board we really don't want to give folks any ideas about methods that they can use, be they instruments of heat or of sharps. So unless you edit them out of your post in the next ten minutes or so I'll do it for you. However, we can absolutely talk about how we swap methods around without naming the methods themselves.

Good for you for going a year without SI. I'm sorry that you relapsed. However, that year doesn't go away. You will always have the knowledge that you were able to go harm-free for a year - and you can try for that again if you choose. I find it really difficult to know dates because I tend to fall apart around milestones like that as well. 

I'm sorry that you know that you'll regret this and yet you're doing it anyway. That's an absolutely horrible feeling. Have you checked out our big list of alternatives? maybe something will work for you.

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